My wife wants to separate

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome to the forums! There's a lot of ground to cover here. I'm going to say things you may not like or agree with, but please understand that when I read your posts I read a lot of what I said and thought after BD and it is incorrect thinking. Learn from my mistakes. First, have you read DR? If not then get it right away. It's your roadmap. You can't DB without keeping DR nearby. The first step is to begin with a beginner's mind. Stop thinking you know anything about what's going on, just clear your mind and try to be receptive. Here we go...

We are very close and I consider her my best friend. In fact she is really my only true friend because everyone else seems to want someone from me.

It sounds like you may have codependency issues, rather than get into that here you might want to check out the book "Codependent No More".

Her parents love me and think I am the best thing that has happened to her.

I can't tell you how many people have come here saying this, then confide in in-laws and are shocked when it backfires on them. The saying "blood is thicker than water" is absolutely true. They no longer think you hung the moon, they want your W to be happy and they will at some point encourage her to move on because they will think that is what will make her happy again. There's a chapter in DR on this. Bottom line- DO NOT confide in them AT ALL. Same with friends and other family. Because it WILL get back to your W and it will make you look controlling and manipulative and that is very damaging to your efforts.

She got to choose everything she wanted for the wedding!

I see this theme repeated a few times in your posts, that you may think material things are important to her and she should be happy because you have a nice home and cars. I assure you this is not the case. Emotional support is what she craves and what she feels is missing. All the fancy stuff in the world doesn't make up for that. Believe me I know, my W walked from a beautiful paid off home with an amazing backyard with pool and gazebo, lush landscaping, nice paid off cars, etc. etc. All to move into a tiny house in a lousy neighborhood with more weeds than landscaping. The material stuff doesn't factor in to your W's decision AT ALL.

I kept giving him a second chance...thats the type of person I am.

You stayed partners with a deadbeat drug addict for years. Maybe you see it as a character trait, your W probably sees it as a fault.

Anyway, 2010 and 2011 were really tough for us financially. We still continued to act like everything was going to be fine and I sheltered my wife from the worry I was in. She is a stay at home mom and I really wanted things to be perfect for her to she could focus on raising our kids.

What you saw as "sheltering" your W probably saw as you keeping secrets and not communicating with her. It would have been better to have frank, honest conversations with her and involve her in your business decisions than to pretend everything was fine when it obviously wasn't.

I had been working non stop for the last few years, 6 days a week and money was not enough to support the life style we had gotten used to.... a nice house, two brand new leased cars (business tax write off) and vacations several times a year.

Living beyond your means is unhealthy. You may have thought all the "stuff" gave your lives value, but it seems clear your W didn't share that vision.

Amidst all of this, my wife has been neglected. We were not as intimate as we used to be, and it made her feel insecure. She told me about it several times, but I am not sure why it never registered as something I could fix.

You may have felt like she was nagging you. That's often the way it goes, our W's try to communicate problems to us in negative ways and we view it as nagging and push them farther away. Unfortunately we don't get the message until it's too late.

I quickly made an appointment with a GP and got anti depressant (Welbutrin because it helps with sex drive)

It doesn't help, it just doesn't make things worse. Some A/D's ruin labido, but Welbutrin doesn't. But don't expect it to fix your lack of interest in sex. That is probably going to need other med's and/ or therapy.

She has been to see her therapist on her own accord. I did not force her. She also made an appointment for marriage counseling but the recommended person (by her therapist) is not available until after new year (Jan 8th).

I've been there and done that and have read many other similar sitches, so let me tell you how this is likely to play out. Your W's IC is simply there to help her sort out her thoughts, so they're likely to just reinforce your W's desire to leave. And when you get into MC, your W will pretty much ignore all comments that might help the M and embrace the ones that she feels justify her actions. MC very rarely helps anyone when they're in your sitch.

Now, I think she is very happy to have a guy who makes her feel good about herself as I had been neglecting that. But, I also know he is not really her type as far as looks go, and also he really cannot afford her. He told her he would get a second job if he had to.

Sounds like you think she'll "come to her senses" if you just wait around long enough. No, it doesn't work that way. You're trying to convince yourself that all the trappings you offer somehow outweigh the emotional component she's looking for and they don't. Not to her. If you stay the same old you, she'll never return. You have got to do some serious soul-searching, figure out everything you did wrong in the M and do 180's on those things. You have to do them consistently and wait months and months before she'll even start to take notice.

She knows she has a wonderful life and a great husband and baby, but this guy is pushing the right buttons!!

I have never heard of a single WAS that thought their husband was great. They might say they're a great father or a good person, but certainly not a great H.

I know she will realize sooner or later this guy is a loser (he has a crappy job and has to pay child support for a 12 year old son he has). He does not have the ability to pay for her for anything.

There's that trap again, you're convincing yourself that material stuff gives you the advantage and will win the day. It won't.

So I am trying to show my strengths and contrast them with his weaknesses ....I can cook he cant.

Don't do this. Fix YOUR weaknesses. Cooking is not going to trump the love she thinks she's getting from OM.

I know my wife has always felt she got into a relationship too early because she was in high school, so i think she suffers from the grass is greener syndrome. She will realize at some point it is not, but i cant wait!

You've admitted that you neglected her, that you have sexual problems and that she's complained and you've done nothing to fix the problems. So the problems are real and need to be fixed. The "grass is greener" phrase means things are better on this side of the fence and just "look" better on the other side, but right now for her things really are better on the other side. So you've got to work on your side.

Do I talk to her? Do I be nice? Do I ignore her?

Read DR and read Sandi's 180 DB tips (sticky at top of forum). Detaching is not about ignoring her. Ignoring her would in fact be "more of the same" behavior based on what you've described.

Anyone actually recover and get their wife back? It seems everyone I see is still waiting after years. Do they ever come to their senses and realize they can actually work on their man and get us to be what they want?

YOU have got to change. YOU have got to become the H only a fool would leave. Then maybe she will come back, not because she "came to her senses" but because you made yourself into a person she WANTS to be with.

Especially after a situation like this. I think I am ready, more than ever, to change whatever ways she wants.

She'll believe actions, not words. Words are cheap. Start changing right now.

But at the same time I am hoping she will snap out of this quickly before all of that. Wishful thinking?

Sorry, but I'm not aware of a M ever being saved overnight. I think 3 months is about the shortest timeframe I've read about, and that was very unusual. I want you to have realistic expectations. I too expected an overnight change of heart, it was 2 months after BD before it really sunk in that my W truly was done with me in her heart and that it'll take many months for her to decide otherwise (if she ever does).