The bad thing is, I have been focused on her being the problem. I didn't fully see how much of the problem was caused my my insecurities, jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling nature. I knew I was co-dependent but I didn't know until today what my other actions had caused.
I have got to let go, and stop screwing up. I don't know why I am being this way.
I have started to see a therapist to help me get over my jealous, and possessive traits. Her texting and e-mailing those other guys is driving me crazy. Especially when she drops one of their names in a conversation she starts with me. I hate hearing how Steve is so nice and he looks out for her. I want to tell her that he is nice and that right up until you spread your legs for him.
Hi Terry ^^^ good re Therapist. Jealousy, possiveness and all are one of the most unattractive qualities going. Keep working on this whatever it takes.
You are being this way because your are focussing on your W, your M instead of you. Your W will not even think about coming back until you change, that is why working on you is so important - she is done with the old you and your focus needs to be that new better man. I am talking about real change for you and not just to win her back - she will see through it.
Not sure what advice to give re name dropping, texting other guys etc etc and hope others will comment on this. But they must be fulfilling some need for your W that she is not getting from you - do you know what this is - she comments he looks out for her - what do you think she means by this? IMHO this changes nothing, you work on you and be the better man. But if you can find out what need they fulfill (without asking W) then that will be a big help.
I know your ranting but whatever you do dont tell her the last sentence in your post.
No R talk, no M talk, no questions, no pressure, no snooping.
Not sure what advice to give re name dropping, texting other guys etc etc and hope others will comment on this.
Terry, you may want to consider setting a boundary on this issue. Decide what behavior you will not accept and tell her. It may be something like no texting other men in your presence and no bringing up their names in conversations with you. What ever you decide, make sure it is something you are prepared to uphold.
Tell her you feel her doing these things is disrespectful to your marriage. If you don't set a boundary she will continue.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Unfortunately I got this e-mail yesterday from her in response to some questions my therapist had me ask her.
You asked me for a list of things that you should change so that I would come back home. Honestly I don't know if there is anything you should change. Because I don't think it will matter. Yes, you are too controlling in a negative way, jealous, needy, you try to manipulate me by saying things, you say things to see what I will do and say, instead of just coming out and say what you want. We spend way to much time together and when I go somewhere you tease me about leaving, and if you are saying it some where you mean it. I have already put one husband through school and the thought of having to do it again is not fun. But you haven't been able to find something that you like to do for long term. Which cause a financial stress on the family. And yes I know that you have had a problem with jobs and the economy doesn't help. And if you want to finish school you should, you should do what you need to do. That is why I will be applying at several different nursing schools in the area. I miss annika and would love to have her with me but right now she prefers you but when she gets in her teens she may want to live with her mom and you need to let her. We don't have to be like Gary and April we can still be friends and raise her together but we have to do what is best for her, and not get angry and jealous. We can wait a few months before we fill, if you want, but I really am not interesting in working this out, because for me it is too late. And what you have to offer I don't want. I hate to hurt you and sound this way but I am trying to honest with you since you don't listen to me. And please don't put annika in the middle of this, sometimes I think you tell her too much of what is going on, and I think it just hurts her in the long run. And yes this is all my fault, cause I left.
Thank her for being honest with you and tell her you understand how she feels. Don't say you'll fix everything, she doesn't want to hear it. Just quietly work on yourself.
And now the important part for you: (I know your history!) Don't ask about the R, the M, or sex, just don't do it! She's made up her mind she's done, asking will only reinforce it and hurt you. NO PRESSURE. The only talk allowed is about D.
Concentrate on caring for you and your D.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
K, will do my best FY. I did find this Bach Flower Essences liquids. I got the Chicory which helps control Jealousy and possessiveness, Larch for self esteem, and Willow for forgiving. They seem to work. I have felt very optimistic, haven't felt the jealousy and I finally told her I forgive her for the original online affair.
I hope with those to help curb the urges, my therapy, I am seeing someone from Simply Healed for an energy clearance, and reading/following the steps of "Change Your Life and Everyone In It" I will be able to concur my problems and show her this is for real
"K, will do my best FY. I did find this Bach Flower Essences liquids. I got the Chicory which helps control Jealousy and possessiveness, Larch for self esteem, and Willow for forgiving. They seem to work."
Well, if it was that easy to get control over all those issues, I'm surprised there is any Chicory left on the planet!
The problems you have are not resolved quickly nor easily. Both of you need professional help, but especially you. You need to let go of your W and focus on becoming a healty person. And, if you are telling your D what her mother is doing......then you need to stop it before you screw her up into the emotional mess her parents are.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I understand the Chicory isn't a cure. I do feel better and have realized that this isn't all my fault. For the first time I am angry at my wife for her choices, I am angry that she wont stop chatting with these guys, posting nude pictures of herself on her site, and refuses to try for her daughters sake. I feel like it is now ok not to be married to her anymore. That I can make it on my own. I am no longer jealous, or acting possessive towards my W. Whether thins work out for us or not my D and I will be ok.
My W thinks I am telling my D things, I have told her repeatedly the only things I have told her are that her mom and dad may not be together again. I make sure my D knows her mom loves her.
Well she wants a divorce, and has started meeting the guys she has been chatting with. She wants to be single and explore her BDSM lifestyle. Today she went to Cedar City to have sex with one of the guys.
Thanks for all you guy's help. I have come to the conclusion that there was nothing that could have been done to fix things.
