I am devastated. My husband had a nervous breakdown in July 2012. When this happened he cried and cried and said don't ever leave m, I couldn't survive without you. Since then I have been told I care about you, you are my best friend but I am not in love with you. Also he started an emotional affair that turned physical when he left home in October 2012. He claimed he was in love with this woman only for it to end six weeks later. Then he moved straight onto the lady he bought his Tupperware containers from. He has also been text messaging a third woman this whole time.
I know everybody out there says it. But this is totally out of his character. He was always the most devoted husband and father. He even used to tell other people how much he thought of me. Then overnight bam. Completely different person.
I look back and I guess there were signs. He was a little agitated at our children for simple things. He started having erectile dysfunction and this obviously affected our sex lives. I somehow got the blame for that. You know. If it wasn't working it was because he was no longer attracted to me.
When he first moved out he was talking about what he would do with our teenage boys. He has kept his promise and took them every second weekend. But if any conflict arises he drops them back.
He also when buying my sons things it's like he has forgotten who they are. A blanket that was for my 15 year old looks like something for a six year old. He also has been buying them food that they can't eat due to allergies. He has forgotten at I don't eat chocolate.
These women that he is trying to form a relationship with all have much younger children than ours. He is tired all the time and sore all the time.
I thought I was a good wife but now I fee lost. I have read enough to know it is not my problem but sometimes it feels that way.
Even though my husband has broken my heart I do not feel like hurting him. I do not think he is a bad man. He does not yell or scream or say this is my fault. The classic it's not you it's me. I see pain in his eyes.
What happened to my most beautiful kindest husband. It is like he doesn't realize he is causing me or our children pain. He thinks our teenagers aren't affected because of their age.
Is this MLC.? Has my husband just stopped loving me and will never love me again like he says? Is it his nervous breakdown? Should I give up hope like everybody else wants me too?
I have been trying to detach but I am not very good at it yet.
He is on medication. I don't think it is working because he always feels overwhelmed. He thinks it is because he stopped crying once he started taking it. It is also when he became very detached from any kind of emotion.
He currently goes to counseling for his nervous breakdown. A friend of his that is a psych said he needed some time alone so he went on a two day trip away. After he came back he said he felt lost. So she said go on a longer break. So he decided to take a week off the next month and go away again. Only in between the weekend off and the week he planned he decided that he needed a lot more space and moved out.
I am still just so confused. It is hard without answers. I feel like I have neglected my children in the last few months just trying to cope with my grief. Everybody I know wants me to move on and they don't even know about the OW.
I have chosen not to tell my children. I don't think even his friends or family are aware yet. He is very secretive about her. He never tells me anything about her. I am thankful at the moment about that.
Ok I know it is just the start for me. But I really don't think my husband has got any thoughts about coming home. Even deep down. My 15year old son said he wanted to be a family again. My husband said "we are a family, two different families now". Didn't even notice how devastated our son was.
So sorry that you are dealing with your sitch, but you have come to a good place.
All of us on here want to save our Ms, at least initially. This place is about that...but more about saving yourself from this crisis life has thrown your way.
Saving your M is no guarantee...but saving yourself can be if you follow the DBing guidelines. And, in doing so, you will give your M the best possible chance to survive this.
My H too is involved w OW. We have 3 boys- 1 teenage. The WASs don't have ANY CLUE about how what they are doing effects the kids. They will in fact justify their actions so in seems as though it isn't effecting them at all. DENIAL.
The fact that your H is bouncing around from one OW to next is a clear indications that H has NO CLUE what he wants. HE is in a state of confusion.
Give him the space and time he needs, and in the meantime GAL for yourself, LOVE YOUR KIDS DOUBLE, and detach from your "new NOT improved" H.
Come here alot, it helps!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
So sorry you're here and that you're going through so much pain. The things you describe sound very much like MLC. MLC is not considered a medical condition, so it's not possible to "diagnose" it. But the things you describe about your H sure sound like MLC. I suggest you read through the MLC forums and look for Cadet's posts to new people, he has a whole bunch of links that he posts to every new person to help them and there is a ton of info in those links regarding how to determine if your spouse is in MLC and what to do about it.
Quote:
Is this MLC.? Has my husband just stopped loving me and will never love me again like he says? Is it his nervous breakdown? Should I give up hope like everybody else wants me too?
You'll learn more when reading about MLC, but it's possible that someday he will "emerge from the tunnel" and be more like the old H you remember. Unfortunately it takes a long, long time in the typical cases and few people want to wait that long while dealing with an irrational, angry, flaky spouse.
Originally Posted By: Itina
I am still just so confused. It is hard without answers. I feel like I have neglected my children in the last few months just trying to cope with my grief. Everybody I know wants me to move on and they don't even know about the OW.
Unfortunately confusion is the name of the game in MLC. You're not going to get answers or satisfaction. The only way you can survive it is to focus on you and your kids and detach yourself from his roller coaster ride.
Originally Posted By: Itina
Ok I know it is just the start for me. But I really don't think my husband has got any thoughts about coming home. Even deep down.
Probably not right now, but that can change, so don't focus too much on what he is saying or doing right now. You've got to give him time and space so he can sort through his thoughts.
itina sorry that you find yourself here. have you read DB? If not do so ASAP. While you wait for the book read Sandi's 37 rules to start with at the top of the newcomers thread. Take care of yourself, sleep, eat. If you are feeling depressed think of talking to a professional. I have some questions. How old are you both, how long married, how many kids. What were his complaints about you?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Try to not focus on what is what for now. Don't try to label anything, because it won't do you any good anyway. For now, this is about him, and it will be, until it isn't. I know that may not make sense today, although it will down the road.
This time is about you, and finding what you want and need for you, and your children.
MLC is a different animal than you have ever faced before. There is no set agenda for any of them, except destroy everything that was once stable in their lives. No two are the same, and they are all different , as each of us is different.
Try not to wonder about that. If he is MLC, then time will tell that tale, and by the time you need to have those answers, then they really won't matter anymore.
For now, try to rest as much as you can, breathe, meditate (if you normally do, maybe start if you don't), eat, relax when you can, and take care of your children.
Keep a close eye on any joint banking that you may have. IF he turns out to be MLC, then he will fly through money quickly.
Those are the important things for now.
You will cry, you will grow, you will laugh, you will wonder WTF, and you will heal....
And there are some amazing people here to help you with that.
Post often, and ask questions as you have them....
This is a long journey, for the WA and the LBS...
And regardless the outcome, you will BOTH come out the other side different people.
The bigest things he has come up with are I put to much time into our children, one is high functioning autism, we didn't go out enough, apparently I didn't like going to his families place and I didn't like his friends.
In all fairness about 17 years ago I got really upset when his friend kicked our dog. But we never stopped seeing his friend. Sigh
