I agree with Bug- it is hard to be rational when everything else seems so surreal. Some days I feel myself detaching and others it's like everything is back to the start. This is a long process but I do think you wake up one day and say "oh" and you realize that everything you have been doing has lead you to this point.
Thanks labug and RT that helps cause my brain is turning into a monster, I cannot stop it lol.
My d14 had a basketball game tonight and it went pretty good. During half time I went and spoke to my wife. I commented on her hair looking pretty (it did). She asked me about a text I sent her earlier in the day. Where I said that I wanted our daughter tonight because it will be over a week before I see her if not. She said I'm not trying to keep her from you. I validated and said sorry that the text appeared accusatory, that was not the intent. I just want to see her. Then, I asked her how she was doing and did she need anything like money etc. She said no and thank you for not being a jerk during all of this. I said I could not treat you bad ever. I asked her how she was doing and she said good except she has her days, I said I understood as I have mine as well. I told her that if she ever needed to talk that I would be willing to listen and not try to fix things. Her eyes water a bit and she said okay. (If she does or does not is up to her, not trying to have expectations on this one). We talked a little about Christmas and what days we want our d. Over all it was a pleasant conversation. I am not trying to read anything into it, it was what it was a conversation.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Sounds solid subguy. It would be nice if my H said I looked good. I have commented on him a couple times but nada back except everyone says you look great...:P
Okay so last night while talking to my W I had an oh no moment. I texted my wife that I wanted our d tonight as I am going out of town and would like to see her. My wife did not respond. At d's ball game I went and talked to her at half time. W said that she would never keep my D away from me. I said I believe that you would not. W said well your text seemed like you were angry. I said sorry if the text seemed like that, I did not mean for that to come across as angry. W then said well, I planned on D staying with you for the next couple of nights. After D's game I told D she was staying with me and her response was "I am"? D then said that her stuff was at her Mom's house. D said Mom did not say anything about her staying at my house.
I then had a light bulb moment. My wife lied about her wanting daughter to stay with me, prolly because she was afraid I would be angry. Of course I wasn't as she probably did not think about the last time I had d. I realized that we both have manipulated and controlled each other thru guilt, lies etc. because we did not want to either argue or make the other one mad. While watching my W act this way I realized that I act this way as well. I don't want to be that guy, yet another 180 for me. I have been in a tail spin since realizing I have acted this way. I want to change that about me. It is really hard at times to come to a realization that my actions have hurt my wife in some way. At the time I did not realize this to be happening.
Now some may say I am mind reading here. I guess it really does not matter because I did not say anything to her and I realized another thing I want to change about me.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Me too. This is why I am now as authentic as possible and say what I mean. I don't think it is mind reading, I just think you made an important realization about the dance you two have been doing for years..
Yes, I think you had a realization of what was really going on in your sitch. It's a difficult place to go but go there we must.
Now, what will you do with that knowledge?
Oh how do I love thee!! I appreciate the question.
What will I do?!?! Hhmm well definitely gonna talk it over with my IC. Now that I recognize some of my behaviors I am gonna do my best to reverse the behavior. I'm not sure the best way to make it a habit rather than a desire. I guess I need to try to keep noticing when I am starting to act this way and either walk away from the sitch or just shut up. I know I will have to work at this as this is part of who I am right now. I do not want to continue to hurt my wife and children with this behavior, motivation is on my side.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
What are you all doing to help relax and get the butterflies out of your stomachs?
Reading for pleasure, reading the Bible and praying have helped but it seems like my stomach hurts all day long. I need to start running again.
Fear, I have lived with a lot of fear about various things. Right now their is a ton of fear mainly being alone. What are you all doing to face these fears?? Any techniques that are working?? Mostly I guess it's the fear of the unknown. When something is making me fearful like repelling off a 500ft cliff the only way for me to face it is to go over the side, this is different.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I cant remember the exact time frames, it's all blurry but for me BD was somewhere in the early to mid August and H had been very cold and distant for about a week before. The day of BD he moved out. He came back around maybe 4 days later. Final BD was I think the 12 of September. H moved out for the last time on 16 September. It was somewhere around a month between BD1 and him leaving for the final time. I was SO scared, That was a fear like none I had known before. I knew it was happening and it was out of my control.
Nothing is in our control but ourselves. Fear will not serve us, It will only hold us back. I think for me realising that ultimately, everything is unknown territory, has helped me some. You have fear of the unknown now but did you have it before BD? Everything was still unknown then, the only difference is perception.
Live one day at a time for now. Only plan ahead what you have to. Just be you, the best you, you can be.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
