Separation at 17.5 months

[adinva]

[Sweetbriar]

Adinva..yes, Fair Oaks does have a Starbucks...its kind in the middle of the mall...not an enclosed store...there are seats around...I can do Sunday. Could you do early, like 11 ish? My girls and I are doing a movie date on Sunday afternoon before church!

Let me know and also, how do we get in touch..I was advised I cannot post my email on the boards...

SB (Jenn)

[adinva]

OK I'll head over there and see if I see you there. It would be more like 11:15 by the time I can get there. I have a mickey mouse sweatshirt.

[adinva]

He said we should tell S14 today; no reason why we need to tell them both at the same time together. Then he asked when S12 was coming home and I said about 5 pm. He said oh, well then we can tell them both today after S12 gets home. Ok i said i will make sure and be available. 

I asked him if he has any idea what they will say or do or what questions they might ask. He said he didn't think they would say anything but oh okay. He said he didn't see why they would cry or anything. 

I told him that i expected they would have some emotions. My friend who is a psychologist said it will take much longer than their initial reaction for it to sink in. She told me kids might be fine one day, sad the next, and angry the next. 

he thinks that S 12 will be glad because he's not being told to pick things up and he won't have to do his homework or the dishes. I said that may be a possible reaction since those complaints have been about the extent of his  relationship with S12 lately and that's sad. H doesnt think s14 will say or feel anything.

I asked him again when he thought he might move out and he said well it's going to take more than one day. I waited a bit to see if he had more to say and hearing nothing i said that's not what I asked you. He said well he still wanted to stay in the house until we signed an agreement but he did not know how long that would take.

I asked him what his concern was about moving out without the agreement signed and he said something about abandonment of property. I told him I'd heard a lot of other people warn about not leaving the house but always in the context of child custody and he wasn't asking for custody so that seems moot. He said that hadn't occurred to him and he would think about it. I said ask your lawyer. 

I said abandonment could also look like staying in your room all day and not interacting with the kids so from that standpoint you abandoned them a long time ago. He said nothing.

I said I was afraid that Adam wouldn't want to be around him that much lately because he doesn't feel good when he's with H; they are not getting along well. I am afraid that H will just say fine then I don't want to be with you either and they'll have no relationship. I said you have to be the adult.

I said even when you do try to connect with him it's your way or the highway. Like when you invited him to a movie but you only wanted to see a movie that he didn't want to see. H said I invited him to lunch too but he didn't want to go out all he wanted to do was play video games. I know he doesn't want to be around you much lately  because of how youve been treating him. I said I can't create the relationship between you that's part of what went wrong with us all I can do is not make things worse that is all I can do but a boy needs his father. 

I told him about my conversation with a friend whose father divorced their mom after 34 years of marriage and three kids and my friend that has very little feeling for her father she's mostly sad about that but not about missing her father. They were never emotionally connected.

I told him I had compassion for what he's going through and that I understood that he was having a big problem and needed to try to fix it. But it was probably not good that he was leaving a weird relationship with us and getting right into a weird relationship with his friend, that he was putting his friend number one in this life and I thought maybe for a while he needed to put himself number one.

I told him i am meeting with my financial advisor tomorrow and her goal is to make sure terms are fair to both of us and that what we do allows both of us to live. I'll be meeting with my lawyer on Wednesday.

I feel relieved that he is finally taking some action for himself, agreeing to a time to tell the kids, so we can start to get out of this purgatory. I feel very frustrated that he is so emotionally empty and has reduced our kids to a set if behaviors. He does not act like he has any love or concern for them, like he just wants to wash his hands of them. I try to say things that might make him think more about this in hopes that he wakes up before doing irreparable harm to their relationship. And i feel sad that he acts as though any thing thats happening between them is their fault for not being the way he wants them to be.

I had asked him what he thought might work to get them to pick up or orher things he wants them to do better. He said i shouldnt have to make things fun for them, they should just do them, and so i shouldnt have to tell them any more what i want because i already told them. I asked if he thiught that approach was working and he said they will just get more mature. I said i didnt think kids will raise themselves. H think s12's trouble in school is related to his laziness at home, he just doesnt feel like doing anything he doesnt want to do. End of story. 

In two separate incidents this week i challenged h to tell me things he wants. He texted me after dark yesterday to tell me he had worked five hours in a yard full of dog poop. I felt terrible, my autoreminders have stopped and its been a while since anyones been in the backyard- i had forgotten my resposibility. But he chose not to tell me all the while being mad about it. I would have come home. I said will you tell me next time while i can do something about it.

I accepted one holiday party invitation this year, and it was last night. I thought h wouldnt want to go but he did. We walked over together but i told him he didnt have to stay longer than he felt like. Usually neighbor parties are kind of unfun but i really like this family and there was one other i was hoping to see there. H talked to people about an hour and headed home. I stayed late till just a few couples were left. I had fun learning how everyone knew our friends because they had a lot of people i didnt know. I had a lot more to drink than normal and stumbled home way past midnight.

Went downstairs to greet s14 and his three friends who were over. Found out this morning that h didnt know who was in our house. He had gone straight to bed when he got home. This morning at 8:30 the dogs started going nuts and h laid there and said are you expecting someone? The doorbell rang.  After it was clear h wasnt getting up i answered the door, woke up the guest who was being picked up, and went back to sleep. H is just not there as a parent. I cant make him be there. When i bring up stuff like this to discuss i feel like i am shaming him but wtf. I want to be with a man who will answer his own freakin door in the morning.

[adinva]

Ok sweetbriar i gotta get back to the boys but will try again. I accosted a pregnant lady but she wasnt you!

[Crazyville]

Ad, I know I've said before how much I wish I had some of your coping skills, some of your approach to life, but unfortunately, I'm more like your H. I can completely relate to the issue with the dog poop, and I don't mean figuratively. When your kids say they want a hamster and promise to take care of it, a practical parent knows better. But when your spouse commits to something, isn't it reasonable to expect them to do what they said they would? Especially in regard to something that is "in their face" every day, like a dog? My H has always had the same attitude, that if I just "tell" him he needs to do it, then he will and in his mind, everything is fine. For me, it isn't. Far from it. Because then instead of feeling like I'm married to a partner that I can count on to do what he said, I feel like I have another irresponsible child that I have to play mommy to and tell him to do his chores. A one-time thing is different. But something like picking up the dog poop? That should be part of a regular routine, and reasonably at least once a week, I think. Besides, when he goes out into the yard to do his work and you're gone, telling you becomes rather irrelevant. For me and possibly for your H, it isn't nearly the issue of the dog poop as it is the dependability on the other person, which in a way translates to respect since your commitment was made to him.

The other side of this for me, and possibly for your H, is that I start to categorically define H by his irresponsibility. So anytime we look to do something together, or plan for the future, my thoughts are always, "That's sounds good, BUT..." In the case of you getting your new dog, H probably already assumed you weren't going to pick up the poop. Since he knows he's leaving, it wasn't worth the fight. If he were staying M'd to you, it means he either has to be the "bad guy" and say no, or be the "parent" in the relationship and remind you, or deal with even more poop. Lose-lose for him.

You're working on a ton of stuff so I don't want to bring you down with this, but just wanted to offer another perspective. It just struck me that your solution to your not doing what you committed to was for your H to point it out to you. Being on other side of that? That is not an inviting arrangement.

[adinva]

Thanks for your perspective. Now would you mind shutting up while my family explodes. Clearly I'm not fit to be in a relationship.

[adinva]

and my kids don't deserve to have a dad either, for the same reason. We're all incompetent cr*p and should be left. Thanks. I feel a lot more understanding now.

Did you get that we're telling the kids in a few minutes? That I'm feeling very upset and beaten down right now. I checked in to see if there was any moral support to help me through today.

[labug]

Ad, yes your world and that of your sons is about to be knocked off kilter for awhile.

You'll get through it and so will they.

You don't know what's on the other side of this, that's what makes it so difficult and scary.

But you can make what's on the other side better than what you've had up until now.

I just read this today, can't verify the authenticity but I like it:

Don't allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not —Paulo Coelho

[2thepoint]

AD, I know today was a very tough day. There is no doubt about it. But you and the kids will survive and very likely thrive now that the giant elephant in the room has finally been acknowledged.

My best advice having been through this exact same thing is to allow the news to settle in, assure the kids that they are loved, no matter what and then check in periodically to see how they are coping. Over time they will eventually open up and things will settle in to a new normal.

Hang in there AD. You will get past this difficult phase soon enough. ((((AD))))