TheUF - Changing gears - Dropping the rope?

[theUF]

MORE OF THE SAME:

(For the sake of being up to speed : I'm currently working on a 3 week project with no time in weekdays for S. I ran it by her before agreeing to it. We agreed I could have him weekends instead. I actually took 1 day off anyway to have S during the day.)

I drive a company car, but if I'm not working and something comes up they need it at work. That happend today, and instead of me delivering S, my X had to come get him.
I helped her get some of her stuff down to the car as thanks, and will repay her what she had to spend on gas.

The moment we were alone she said I had told her it was a two week project and she was having troubles caring for S AND doing all chores before christmas etc. We agreed to disagree on what had been said about timeline for the project.

Then for the first time since BD, she brought up her reasons for leavig and talking about our R.

She basically said she tought I would change, but now (b/c of project and having to come b/c of me not having the car, I guess) she was just seeing the same as before.

I told her that after 8 years she had every reason to believe I would only be more of the same.
That I'm sorry she feels that way, but I understand why.
I told her I had said it was 3 weeks and obviously we have had some bad communication on that point.
I understand it's tough for her pulling the load, but that I tought we had agreed on the curciumstances during this project.

I said I would talk to the head of the company about car arrangements.
Also, I told her something like "After what you've seen before BD your disbelief in me is justified. However, when I chose to have a S it was b/c I wanted to be involved in his life and that is very much still the case and always will be. I lost my way after we had him, I didn't live up to my part as much as I should. I didn't realize it before it was too late. Money isn't everything, and I will gladly give up money to be with my S. It may be too late for us, but that doesn't affect my wishes to change. During this project it's full on, but after the project finish I plan to regularly take time off from work to be with S."

In between me saying this she said "I left b/c the last year you would choose work and money over us. I would never have left you the year before that. I thought you would change, but this makes me doubt"

Believe half of what they say etc.
For all I know she was trying to give me some hope, just to get me to step up and make things easier on her. IDK, and I shouldn't mind read.



So much for thinking you've done a somewhat good job at DB'ing huh?

We did agree it was OK for me to work weekdays during the project, but sure, I understand she is having a rough time.

I was surprised at what she said about my changes, lack of changes, and that she even brought up why she left.
She haven't said a single thing about R or us since BD.
She was calm when she said it, not angry.
At this point, honestly, I thought she didn't even care if I changed or not.

I called the head of the company just now, and he said they would buy a new car and that I was first on the list. I will have a car 100% of the time, work or not. That will ease my mind for sure

The changes I make are most for myself and for my S. I'm not sure what I want for me and her, but of course it was not pleasant to hear she thought I hadn't changed at all.

[theUF]

And forgot, I'm stopping by her place tomorrow after S is put to bed. I'm delivering some stuff and we agreed we could discuss how to arrange things better during the project.
I won't bring up any R talk myself at all.
I'm curious though to what she will bring up as she caught me a bit of guard today.

[bustingout]

Hi UF good for you for being proactive with work and calling the head about the car. :-) And making changes for YOU and for your S.

As for her saying you haven't changed, I think you are right about believing half of what they say.....

I think the WAS needs to keep looking for reasons as to why they left when they can't see them anymore. When they DO see change, they are afraid to believe it. We have to remember their mindset when they left...they most likely felt hopeless and truly felt nothing would change.

Keep changing for you. ((((( ))))

[Mach1]

UF,


I was reading through your threads a little, and you are in great hands with Chatter..

He is leading you on your way. And you are doing well. You have a great mindset so far...

Remember this about a WA...

When they decide to leave, it is NOT an easy decision for them. They are in pain the same as the LBS. Sometimes THEY have to remind themselves why they made the choices that they did.

Sometimes it is to re-enforce their choices, other times it is just because they are right.

There will be times when the WA's choices become very hard for them to live. And they WILL lash out at you, to bait you into reverting back into the person that they walked away from.

Keep calm and cool during those times, and keep the talks focused and civil. Do not let them push those same old buttons on you.

Did you DB well ? Only you know that answer...

Did what she say to you make the back of your neck burn ? Was there some sting in her words ?

THOSE are the things that you should look at when you think about making changes for you.

Maybe it is something you are already looking at, maybe it is something that you want to look at, maybe it is something that you don't feel you should look at....

If her words stung you a bit, then you should be asking yourself WHY her words stung.

And then ask yourself, why you are like that ?

Why are you more driven by Money, than the personal relationships in your life ??

UF....

While her words might not be true to you, they are very true to her.

That is the truth she is living right now. That is what is real in her world.

Her decision is to leave the relationship, and it will continually be her decision....until she changes her mind...


Keep up the work as it pertains to you and your Son....

Fight for it, and foster it...


That is one relationship that will never fail you...

Unless you let it fail....

[chatterbug]

UF ... That OR talk from her on changing you to suit her needs.

You have to remember that you explained to her about your job and your commitments to it.

She agreed. Full well knowing what she was getting into. That you have set work commitments that you honour.

So take that with a grain of salt. For it is very unfair for her to use this as an excuse for her actions.

Next time I would cut that conversation off with a reminder of this agreement she made back then.

Then drop the OR talk completely in a polite manor.

You really do not need to hear it at this time.

Just continue to lead with your actions.

[theUF]

UF,


I was reading through your threads a little, and you are in great hands with Chatter..

He is leading you on your way. And you are doing well. You have a great mindset so far...

He is indeed great help, and thank you for the encouraging words.

Keep calm and cool during those times, and keep the talks focused and civil. Do not let them push those same old buttons on you.

Did you DB well ? Only you know that answer...

I didn't let it affect me too much.
I looked at her side, and understood her reasons for reacting this way. I listened.
I didn't just give her the answer she wanted just b/c, I still let my opinions be known, but I did it respectfully and calmly.

Maybe she responded positive to it, maybe not. But I do know I handled it a lot better than what I would before.

Did what she say to you make the back of your neck burn ? Was there some sting in her words ?

THOSE are the things that you should look at when you think about making changes for you.

It didn't make me angry. It was unpleaseant hearing how she felt about it, but it didn't "get" to me.
Why?
Because I know my wish for change is true, regardless of anything.
Just like her I'm done! I'm done always putting work first.

I still want to be ambitious, that's why I'm on this project.

I also want to take care of my family/son, that's why I'm taking so much more time off from work otherwise.
It's why I asked for a car 100% of the time.
Why I insist on taking time of to go to arrangements with S and weekly appointments.

I love my line of work, but I told my boss that if we can't meet half way, then sorry, I won't be able to do this anymore.

I KNOW my wish is true, and I HOPE I won't loose my way ever again.

And then ask yourself, why you are like that ?

Why are you more driven by Money, than the personal relationships in your life ??

What I tell myself : "means to an end"
In our early(childless)years, I would work a lot, make a lot of money, and we would then travel the world so to speak. For 1 week, 3 weeks, 5 weeks, whatever.

It would be so we could have fun.

Later it would be so I could buy us an appartment, and now recently it was to provide financial security for us and to be able to build a house for us.

Those are good things, but I wish I could've seen the downside. The downside, was major. I let her suffer, and all the while I tought I did what was best for us. I see now how naive I was. There is soo much more to a R than money, security and a house.

UF....

While her words might not be true to you, they are very true to her.

That is the truth she is living right now. That is what is real in her world.

Her decision is to leave the relationship, and it will continually be her decision....until she changes her mind...

Yes, you're right. Spot on. That is why I do my best at detaching.

Just like her I can't truly change for someone else, it has to be my own free wish regardless of outcome. Otherwise it will be poisoned by disappointments and resent.

Keep up the work as it pertains to you and your Son....
Fight for it, and foster it...
That is one relationship that will never fail you...
Unless you let it fail....

So true. The single most valuable thing to fight for, and the thing that will matter the most in the end.


I may put myself in good light here, but don't get me wrong, I still mess up and do the wrong things more often than I would like.
I'm just starting to see how much work and change this will actually demand.
I'm trying to stay positive, but also realistic.

I still remind myself that I need to detach more, mindread less, and keep changing my mindset. I need to let go of any anger or resentment, and learn more about respect and how to be a better person.



Thanks for the thought provoking Q's!
I realize they are for myself, but venting here helps me reflect.

[theUF]

Been thinking a bit.

Positives:
*I'm finding myself less and less angry.
I'm taking control a lot more

[theUF]

ok just found, by accident, an alternative key to "submit" LOL.

Been thinking a bit.

Positives:
*** I'm finding myself less and less angry.
*** I'm taking more control over the business side of life(paperwork, arrangements etc) and being more decisive. At the end of our R I left alot more of that to her b/c I guessed it was nice for her to be able to decide, but I should have been involved a lot more.
*** More time off from work and more time with S, work is not "everything" anymore.
*** More tidy.
*** Less controlling. If she gets txt or sits on the computer, I let her be, I don't ask. If she talks about her activities etc, I stay away from "snooping-questions". More important, I'm not that affected by it.
*** As opposed to time after BD, she is now a lot more open, seems to enjoy our talks and company.
*** A couple weeks/months before BD I gave her a romantic gift. Since then she's moved, and now she has put the gift next to picture of S in her bedroom. Maybe positive, IDK. I for sure didn't expect to see it again, especially not there.

Negatives:
*** She is still short/blunt/ill-tempered on the phone, always has been to some extent.
*** Seems more content about her choice, than not.
*** Says she doesn't think I've changed.
*** Now I'm a bit detached, and I think that makes it easier to be less controlling less posessive. I need to keep those changes when I enter a new R(whoever it will be with). It will become a negative if I don't
*** Not as detached as I need to be.

[chatterbug]

you should think about adding some of the following.

Positives:
Learning to recognize OR talks.
Learning to understand my flaws and owning them.
Realizing Lady UF's flaws and learning to not fix them.
Learning how to detatch and understanding dependency issues.
Negatives:
Seem to mind read too much.
Seem to not be able to detatch from OR talks.
Seem to be focused solely on Son and Lady UF.
Need to build up on activities outside of work that make me a better rounded person.
Need to balance Career with son. ( Tough one as this is the time in your life where you get ahead... I think you really need to spend some energy here and revisit this. As it seems you enjoy your work as well. And there is nothing wrong in enjoying your work. As you were building towards a career with Lady UF guiding the home-front and she fell short on that and blamed you for her short comings. Trans-placed guilt. )

[theUF]

Thanks for the, surprisingly spot on, notes!

Positives:
Learning to recognize OR talks.
Learning to understand my flaws and owning them.

I do need to work more on those points.
I tend to have the mindset "if she brings it up, it's ok to go into R talks". And it could be, at the right time, in the right situation. Which it hasn't been.

Realizing Lady UF's flaws and learning to not fix them.

I think, ultimately, it was this forum which made me realize that I can't fix her flaws and that I shouldn't try. This was typical of me a couple of years ago, the need for me to get her to realize her wrongs in full. To teach her, and to fix. Now that I know it, I have to work on living it.

Learning how to detatch and understanding dependency issues.

Yes, true. I have read up on co-dependency and it certainly have applied to our R/me to some extent. I need to look into it more.

Negatives:
Seem to mind read too much.

Trying to remind myself of this as much as I can. Sometimes though, it's like telling yourself "don't think about an elephant" It's impossible, LOL.

Seem to be focused solely on Son and Lady UF.

THIS.
I would add/change this to "other people", but yes this is one of the things I really need to work on for myself.
I'm aware of it and want to work on it b/c I've realized that I've been too focused on pleasing others.
I've let myself get torn between my own wishes and others wishes and often I let things get stressful or awkward for myself by taking on too much at all ends.

Need to build up on activities outside of work that make me a better rounded person.
Need to balance Career with son.

Yep, this really is a tough one. I do engage in social activities, I have several hobbies, I exercise AND I have a S.

The problem is TIME. It's hard to balance, and hard to make time for all of it.

I do enjoy my line of work, it can be hard and demand a lot, but I enjoy it none the less.

We have two (different) main customer bases we work for. We work about 80/20 for the two.
I want to focus more on the 20%, where there is more challenge, more room for evolving, and more to learn. This is project based and runs for 2-4 weeks, maybe two times a year. 12 hour shifts.
So it's pretty full on when working projects, but it's a lot more flexible when working for the remainding 80%, which allows me to take time off from work. I just need to do it more.

she fell short on that and blamed you for her short comings. Trans-placed guilt. )

That would, in that case, be great bait for my people pleasing traits.

She has also said during our years together that I always think I'm right. I don't know how to term it in english, self-righteous maybe?
I'm not sure on this. Maybe I am, maybe it's just hard for me to acknowledge that I am.
I'm humble in a way that I can accept my wrong doings, but when I think I'm right I do think I'm right. It might be worth reflecting on.