Spent time with S today and had a ball. X called to ask if I could bring some of her stuff when I dropped off S. I told her she could come get it if it was important as I don't want to constantly bring things over. The previous time she came by I told her to take everything and not some here and some there. She didn't have room, so alot was left.
Anyway, she was not far away so she would come get it.
Me and S eat dinner and play. I hear nothing from X and I figure she can take him home when she comes to get the things, as it's getting late anyway. When bed time is only an hour away I txt her telling she can take him home when she comes but it's starting to get late.
She replies she forgot and is already home(20 min away). What??
The original agreement was that I would deliver him, but it's still strange how she could just forget about stopping by and not care about when S is coming. Really untypical her. I felt angry, but let it go. Didn't answer, just drove to her place.
(I would normally have gotten angry about this, made a big deal about it and we would end up in a fight. Today I didn't make a big deal about it and let my anger go. And the outcome was; we had a relativly good time. I'm glad letting go of anger comes more naturally now than before)
When I got there she invites me in and we chit chat and laugh for a bit. She asks if I want to join in on giving S a bath and I do. We sing and play, S is enjoying it alot. I change him and put him to bed. Sing a bit for him. Same as a couple of days ago we lay down on each side of S. She even touched my hand by fault when cuddling with S, but super quickly pulled away.
They are both sick and S had troubles falling asleep so after some time I tell them goodbye and leave.
I get a txt an hour later telling he's been sleeping really heavy since I left and is doing good(even with a smiling emoticon, haven't seen those in a while LOL), as well as a question about what furniture I want to buy from her.
My problem is....what is this? Is she kind of cake eating? Why does she want me to stay for a while everytime I come by? I mean, she gives out no signals of wanting to R(not physically nor otherwise), but she obviously wants me around to some extent. Does she just enjoy my company or maybe she has some weak doubts?
I think it's a liberating feeling for her standing on her own two feet, I guess that affects her in some way or another.
Don't get me wrong, I'm just happy for every minute I get to spend with S, but at the same time it can take a toll "playing family".
I'm in the dark, and confused.
I'm trying to figure out what direction to take now. I have lapses of wanting to tell her look, I care for you and still have feelings for you but if you want me gone I have to start moving on. It would be like dropping the rope, but maybe I should give it more time. Still just been two months.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
If you want to give your marriage the best chance of surviving, and ensure you don't have regrets even if things don't work out, you should give her more time. No need to rush things unless you truly can't take it any longer.
If you're getting antsy, it's ok to start planting seeds that you don't intend to wait forever. As always, monitor results.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
UF, I know you want to give her an ultimatum... but don't. You will most certainly get an answer you DON'T want.
You are struggling with your expectations. That makes sense. It's super confusing at times which is why we say "believe none of what they say, have of what they do".
If you are happy spending all this extra time with your son, then keep that in the foreground of your mind at all times. Continue to make yourself believe that the toll of "playing family" is a price that you, as his father, would pay 1000 times over.
What would moving on mean to you? Spending less time with your son? If you dropped the rope, what does that mean?
Continue to let go of the anger. Us LBSers love to vilify our WASes. If it becomes something consistent, address it with her then in a calm and collective way.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It's super confusing at times which is why we say "believe none of what they say, have of what they do".
That's a good reminder. She will doubtly pour out her heart or show her true emotions at a time like this. Curiousity can get the best of us..
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
If you are happy spending all this extra time with your son, then keep that in the foreground of your mind at all times. Continue to make yourself believe that the toll of "playing family" is a price that you, as his father, would pay 1000 times over.
Yes, I see my son a lot, but I'm still happy for every extra time I get with him. This exact situation is what I always wanted to avoid for my child.
It's still bittersweet knowing that if she finds another partner this extra time might vanish completely.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
What would moving on mean to you? Spending less time with your son? If you dropped the rope, what does that mean?
From the top of my head, I've got no idea right now lol
I would not want to spend less time with S and I do want us to have a civil tone and be able to do what is right for S. But I guess the beginning goals of moving on would be:
-stop gauging her reactions to my actions -stop mind reading -give both of us total space, while still focusing on S.
and yeah, shouldn't I be doing this already?
-accepting there will be no reconciliation. In a sense giving up hope, which will be hard even though I'm not sure what I want myself.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Continue to let go of the anger. Us LBSers love to vilify our WASes. If it becomes something consistent, address it with her then in a calm and collective way.
Yes, my thoughts exactly. That is the reason I let it go. I should give her the benefit of doubt. If it becomes consistent I can adress it then.
In the R I struggled a bit with the two different sides of me. I love being a family man, but I also need adventure, adrenaline and physical challenges. My X is not that kind of person and would always worry about me getting hurt, especially after S was born.
What really kills me about the whole situation is that I was really enjoying family life and starting to settle in, and now it's gone.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
I'm in no immediate rush, but I would like to hear peoples opinion about custody.
As far as work go, my employeer has been willing to find an arrangement for time off from work. When projects are around (2-3 times a year)I may be working almost straight for 2-4 weeks, but mostly I will have the chance to take time of from work. Say 7-10 days straight each months(no pay). It will mean less income, but money should never be superior to the things that really matter in life.
At the moment my S is so young and our sitch so fresh, I think the best for him would be to continue the arrangement we have now. 1-2 days weekdays, every other weekends(with possibility for some hours other days).
In a month we will have an appointment with a family "therapist" to have a quick chat about how the arrangement have been working out.
However, I really want to play a big part of my S life. I may be bonded to him through blood, but I want to be there for him in good and bad. I want to be involved. There's so much more to being a father than blood relation.
When he gets a bit older(at least 3+) I would like to have more custody. I'm not sure at this point I can do 50/50, but at least more than I have now.
My X is so strongly connected to S, and she have wanted a child so bad for so long. Last time I mentioned more custody she initially went into crazy defense mode, before calming down a day later.
I may have let down my X, myself and our R, but I will not give up on my S.
I'm not sure when to bring the idea up for discussion though. I don't want to wait until he is 3, I don't want to do it now, and I even think it might be to early to do it at the appointment. I'm leaning against mentioning it at the appointment. Explaining my wishes to be involved as much as possible in my S life and the possibility of more custody in the somewhat near future.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
That is a good plan. Get it in writing to slowly move it up to 50% when your son is 3 to 4ish.
That way you can plan ahead with work as you will know all the days you will have son in your care.
That way your ex can adjust to this as well.
When you go to the therapist you go in with a plan to be with your son. Have it all mapped out and documented out.
I would recommend that you contact a family councillor to draft up a schedule ( Or let this current "therapist" know ahead so they can work up the plan as well ) I highly recommend that you do research on this. Research out the importance of a father in a son's life. Print out your findings and the references.
Therapists have a habit of going on feeling facts and not peer counselling so make sure you ready to back up what you want with facts and sources.
When this meeting occurs if this is not on the table. Fire the family "therapist" for not doing their job and get one that is more fair , less feeling and more factual.
If you even hear the words " a child is better with the mother...." End the meeting there as it will be a waste of time.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Maybe a different "therapist" (don't know the term in English, mediator? ) isn't a bad idea.
Our current one is married, and have kids. But she said "a new partner can be a good thing, b/c then the child will have yet another person in his life who loves him"
I just disagreed, but didn't go into it. She was good on all other points, but I mean, what? Who says that to a couple right after a break up? Yes, a long term partner will most probably give the child love. But when jumping into a new R straight away, I don't see this as the likely outcome. I've seen first hand how it can confuse a child when it turns out just being a rebound.
I will follow your advice and make the proper preparations.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
A good father/mother would not introduce the child until at least 6 months to a year in. No sleep overs either... Lots of conversation and lots of being open about what the priority is in your life.
Keep that in mind if you do end up starting to date. Put that as one of your red flags if you date someone.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I played with S, fed him, changed diapers, got him ready for bed and lay down with him. My X layed down on the opposite side of S and until he fell asleep we lay there on each side of him.
Way to go TheUF ! Changing diapers I've been advised, is the way to a woman's heart. No kidding, they see you're an involved father, and then, the sense of camaraderie takes over the hard feelings, and soon enough, you're laying down on the bed with W, but S is sleeping in his room, in another bed...
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
Thanks for the replies, always nice seeing someone stopped by!
chatterbug: I've had the talk with my X. I tried as best as I could to convey my wish that we would take it slow with introducing an eventual new partner. I'm set on doing it. However I don't know if she took it too serious, initially she suspected me of having "another" woman for bringing it up. BigBruce : It's important for sure. I don't have any expectations, and I don't want to rush things if a R is brought to the table. We will see. The only thing I truly know for sure is my wish to be involved in my S life. Everything else is basically on a "see how it goes" stage.
Unfortunantly she gave me a "more of the same" speech today, but I'll get into that in my next post.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
