How did the two of you cohabitate then? I'm trying to visualize a going-as-dark-as-possible scenario... can't imagine my H putting up with it... no eggs served in the morning, no snacks and lunches served, no special health drink mixed up for him, no laundry done for him, no shopping done for him - that's what I'm supposed to do, right?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
That has been interesting....because I am a guy who CAN do everything for myself, it was a case of I just would take care of my own needs like breakfast, etc. To be honest, my not needing anything from her was probably a relief after the years of meeting the kids needs, so she most likely welcomed it.
I would only respond, not initiate with W. I spent A LOT of time away at my office and doing GAL stuff, at REI free classes, at the library, etc. When I was home, I was reading my "bag o' books from the thrift store for a buck a bag" library in our MBR...I would NOT leave for the couch, and had a boundary that no computer of hers was to be in the MBR for her online "activities"...
I guess a "middle ground" would be that if you are going to cook breakfast for the boys anyway, then a couple extra eggs for H would be good use of the energy anyway, just put them off to the side...same with laundry, maybe wash, but no fold and put away, know what I mean? Bare minimum and if it is something you would do anyway...special health drink? if no one else drinks them, then H can do for himself...make sense? It is a tricky, nebulous path to walk, so experiment and see what works, and what gets noticed.... I do remember having to "remind" W occasionally that we "didn't have that kind of relationship "right now", so I am sorry I can't help with that"...that's when you find what is important to them. Just try a couple few changes and see what works/hurts.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today. It's going to be a tough one for you, but you have to do what is right for you and your children.
One step at a time, i.e., 1) discussion w/him; and then 2) w/the children. You don't have to go into every detail w/the children and just might want to say that you both need some time apart. I do think that your children already sense that something is wrong and I hope that they will be supportive of this decision.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H is not home yet. Normally he would be here by now. Maybe he's making the decision for me.
I am sure at least 2 of the 4 know something's up. Especially S19. But no, I know better than to go into details. They are not here for me to lean on and I would not want to intentionally "turn" them against H. Although I don't think they are/will be too thrilled with him.
Its the really knowing what is "right" that I have problems with.
I think there might be a "right" for me that is different than the "right" for them. Their right should trump mine... I will have to feel this out very carefully.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I need all the help I can get.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I understand what you mean about what is best for you vs. what is best for the children.
I know my children would be sad if their dad didn't live here. And that thought breaks my heart. Every single day.
But... And this is a big but... I also don't want was has been going on for the past year (and longer) to be the example of what M should be. A one-sided M with no love or affection from a H? I would be horrified if my boys thought this was the norm and treated their future spouses or significant others that way.
Plus, it's certainly not best for the kids to have our savings all spent.
Good luck today, please let us know how it goes
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Just wanted you to know I've been following your thread.
And will be thinking of you today. And wishing you strength, clarity and patience.
You have been given some great advice. Let us know how it goes. Post often if you need to.
You are loving and strong in your core
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
H came in - I was lying on the couch because of the stupid dogs.
I sat up, asked him to sit down for a minute before heading upstairs. He sits. Rightnexttomeonthecouch. (Really? We do have chairs...) I scoot back just a bit, so at least I can focus properly and tell him. "I know yadda yadda"
You do not he says.
I sigh. H, you know me well enough to know that before I say I know something, I have to be damn sure.
He sort of conceded that point. So I continued. "I know, I don't like it and I consider our marriage broken because of it. So as of now our marriage is "suspended". I no longer think of you as my husband. You are a housemate - who at this point in time I don't particularly like. (Keeping tone light, conversational, NO TEARS!!!) You can go - be with your parents or OW, it doesn't matter to me.
So he spends the next 20 minutes talking about poker.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Well, I have to say that wasn't the reaction I was expecting. Maybe he thinks you are just upset and it will all blow over and everything will go back to status quo. I honestly don't think he is taking you seriously.
If you are going to set your boundaries now because he is a housemate, you will need to stop doing things for him. He is now just a roommate and he should do his own laundry, cook his own food, etc.
Sometimes actions speak louder than words...so, set those boundaries in place for your new roommate!
I'm glad he didn't get angry or cry, but his attitude does baffle me...I never saw that one coming! LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Maybe he thinks you are just upset and it will all blow over and everything will go back to status quo. I honestly don't think he is taking you seriously.
My thoughts exactly. After telling him he grabs my arms for a kiss. Which I declined. Then he said well gee, I was going to come home and ml. I shrugged.
He went upstairs. Back downstairs, on the couch by me again. Rubs his stubble and eyes me. "What?" I ask. Well, he says, continuing with the rubbing, I know you like that...
Pursuit and distance anyone?
Now he's asking for a glass of tomato juice. I told him to help himself.
Ah!! Reaction!!
"You better be careful! You are on a slippery slope!"
I haven't responded.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I do remember having to "remind" W occasionally that we "didn't have that kind of relationship "right now", so I am sorry I can't help with that"...that's when you find what is important to them. Just try a couple few changes and see what works/hurts.
