Stuck between a hard place and the biggest rock.

[25yearsmlc]

I think there maybe is a language problem despite your English being very good. Maybe you just leave too many things out, and then drop a new detail in, OR maybe you just change your mind...
You'll see what I mean as I note some things along the way herein...

Good evening,
Not only I read the advice here, I also recopy it by hand on my thoughts book.
I think I'm giving you all the impression I am only asking for my son as a tactic to spend time with my wife. It is partially incorrect.

and it's partially correct. The problem with that Bruce, isn't that I'm sitting here judging you. What matters is what your wife thinks.

We can assume she'll assume a negative viewpoint IF there are two equally plausible ones. And you are admitting that you want your son, at least in part, b/c you want your wife. That probably makes her feel manipulated and controlled.

I think that shows more than you realize.

Primo, I have asked for 5 full days ALONE with my son (those are work week days where W is busy either at school or work). Therefore I cannot be accused of asking him to see W.

Sure you can. Just b/c you might have him alone for a day, or 5, does not mean you want that long term. IT may well just be a tactic. I don't know.

BUT as for clarity or lack thereof...

Here is what you wrote before.

Also, I wrote an email yesterday asking for my son for a FULL DAY, for 4 or 5 days before Christmas, because I have these days off I need to take. (which I could have used for anything else..)

Bruce, those are your^^ words. "For A FULL DAY"..."for 4 or 5 days before..."

To me, that meant you wanted him for ONE of those 4 or 5 days.

NOT very clear. Second, do you actually think she'll agree to that? Not many women would.

it means going from almost zero contact with your son, and zero ALONE time, to full time for 4 or 5 days AND OVER NIGHTS? Um, I think that is NOT going to happen. And no court would grant that either, btw. Not at this point in time at this age.

((And you never addressed my concern about you saying you could be "doing other things" instead of having time with your son. I assume/hope you had an awakening and realized how that sounded, esp for a man who says he wants to be a great father...??))

Plus, be honest AND Put your son's needs first for a minute.

Your son would not enjoy that much change all at once.

AND it's near the holidays, so your wife will probably see this as a wrench in the engine, designed to stress her out at exactly the wrong time.

Also, I did NOT realize you were separated since last Christmas. It adds up in some ways but not in others.

Originally you said you got there in July b/c you had to finish selling the house and tie up loose ends back in France... THEN when you arrived in Canada, you realized things were bad b/c she didn't welcome you there...

but in reality, it's not that you two were going to move to Canada, together...

it's that she left you to return to her home country? And that was a year ago? Is that the case?


Deuxio, I can't tell you what my wife told me because I was in "reaction" mode, so I didn't think to ask her to clarify or repeat. It was a 30 second thing, you know.(Good ideas always come after a conversation, not during, I don't know why..)

We know you were in reaction mode. But why not ask her the next day?

Why not pick up the phone and call her to talk? What's with all the emails?

It went about something like, let's work things out between us. But I don't know if she was talking about the R, or about the visitation schedule now.

I understand this^^^...but how will you ever know if you don't ask?

As far as we know, SHE thinks she was clear (and she might have been) and wonders why you are acting so weird, and not responding to her overture.

Tertio, her deal was twofold, her dropping the D, IF I gave up pursuing more time with my son.

so you seem to be clear on THIS^^^...but nothing else. Are you sure?

Since I sent her an email earlier this week saying I decided to continue the court proceeding (and btw No, there isn't an alternative to court system, because she is against me having young Bruce every other week, obviously,

why is this "obvious"? Did you two even discuss it? Wasn't the first time you've asked for him ALONE, just last week?

and I'm not going to take it out her hands and run away with him by force), there is no more doubt about the fact that having my son is more important than having her at this point.
--> I'm deciding having my son every other week, over avoiding the D !


"there is no more doubt about the fact that..." Bruce, this isn't math or an engineering problem. There IS doubt. Nothing has been "proved" by you...that takes far more time. These seem to be symbolic gestures and I'm not sure you have reasonable expectations.

did you simply assume since SHE did not contact YOU this week, you HAD to use the court proceeding?...Bruce, you act as if this is all clear to us but it's not.

IF this is the only way to see your son more, then by all means you did the right thing. I just don't believe you two talk very much...and not directly.

Which is going to get very expensive. MAYBE that was what she wanted to do...TALK instead of having to file papers to get a point across.


And quattro, the final goal is yes, to get my W back.


there is a big important goal missing.

Where is the goal of Bruce becoming the best man and father he can become? Where is your goal of personal growth?


So, the next movement is simple : -first see what she says about these 5 full days I have asked ALONE with my son before Christmas. She can refuse, after all the Court hasn't obliged her yet to share our son. (It is amazing that I have to spend/waste money to enforce such a basic right as this...).


She won't agree to that^^^ many days in a row, away from him, and you should not expect that, at this stage of things. (No mother would agree to it imo.) He barely knows you. So what are you going to do then?

The "basic right" a father has, is one which you never asserted til now, so please stop playing the victim AGAIN...and

Not to belabor the point, but like we said, you have not even changed a diaper of his in almost 2 years.

Seriously, you cannot expect this number of days to have him OR to have his mother not see him for that long...it's not going to happen this holiday.

So Have a back up plan for time with him. Use that time to let her teach you something about how to care for your son, so her comfort level is increased, which is NOT unreasonable, but is long overdue.

How come this still hasn't happened? Don't make it complicated. Just ask her to teach you how to change a frickin' diaper and anything else you'd need to know for an overnight stay.


Anyway, this shows I want to be the best dad I can.

really? Putting his needs first, over yours, and over time, will show that. That takes TIME...remember?

- Second, find out what she meant by work things out, and if it is what I hope it is, whether she'd like to go for coffee.

good. How will you find out and when? Hurry up. Don't take too long, or what she meant might well change...


Going dark is maybe not the right thing now, but I have the impression she is tart eating, in the sense she has both the power and the control, and I am too nice.

1) going dark is the last thing a man trying to prove himself as a father, should do. How on earth could it help you? Besides, It's essentially what you were doing by being apart so long...and it did not help.

2) to me, she is not "tart eating" ("cake eating" is the idiom we use here, btw ) b/c she's living at her parents and having to care for her son full time. I don't know what she is doing for work or school...do you know?

Maybe I'm missing something. You are paying her more than you need to but she did not ask for that, right? So how is she cake eating? Oh, b/c she controls the boy's time and won't return to you? And that makes you mad...

See, I'm really more concerned about your anger.

You sound like you want to punish her for having the control over her choices and over your son's time.

The desire to punish and to 'teach her a lesson' is not admirable although it's also not unusual.

But "teaching them a lesson" is NOT the job of a spouse. Have you contacted a DB coach? I seriously think you'd benefit a lot by doing so. Please consider that. I had a good mc, and did a lot of things but I can assure you that if I could only do ONE thing to save my m, I'd hire a good DB coach.

You'll know if it's a good fit if you really connect with the coach and if their suggestions help. My DB coach retired but I can honestly say I think she was truly a Godsend. Perfect fit and her suggestions always helped...kind of miraculous.

3) how are you being "too nice"? What kindness and loving things did you DO lately?

You just filed for custody, refused her offer to work things out (that she MAY think is fair) and now are demanding 4-5 full days with him right before Christmas...and you are SUPPOSEDLY trying to prove to her that you are a changed man.

We all support your goal of seeing your son but you have to handle it right, and don't bully her with shocking demands that come out of nowhere (to her they are new, and to her they are going to look shocking. Plus, If she has nothing to lose by fighting you, she'll fight you. Where is her incentive to work with you?)

But mostly what I am bothered by in your post here, is the anger and the way you persist in seeing yourself as the victim.

You sound a lot like the man she left...not the man she fell in love with.

Which man are you? Which man do you want to be?

It is 6 months I am humble pie eating,

Again with the victimhood...I don't even know what you mean either. Where is the humiliation or humble pie? And where are you being "too nice"? Is it you Not losing your temper? Not filing sooner? NOT criticizing her as much, to her face...I mean the way you speak OF her is with contempt and condescension.

As for the "humble pie" and "being too nice" I think you might mean you did nothing...and hoped she come around b/c that is what you did in France. You saw her feelings sad or irritable (as you said, "bad humor" or "sulky") and you chose to ignore her feelings and left her alone and did your own thing.

Now, doing nothing and ignoring her has not helped her come around...and it's probably why she left AND it's why going dark is a bad bad idea for your situation. If you really read ALL of Crimson's thread...and it's a long one,

you'd know how far that man has come and how much he has changed...he's a better man and a much better father than he was before. And he's happier.
His situation is not the same as yours at this point.

Anyway I'm not clear on the humble pie part.

I know you were hurt when you were not welcomed there but she did warn you and said not to come. You still expected to be welcomed despite what she said...your expectations hurt you. Do you know what I mean by that?

and we've been separated since Christmas last year, I only came here in July, and she had our son all along when I asked her several times if I could have him more!

did you ask her to have him return to France to visit? DId you visit in that 7 month time period leading up to July? Or did you only ask for him when you first arrived in July? And when you asked to see him, was it meant to include HER or were you asking for one on one time with him before now?

Can you see why she'd not be comfortable with that, since you have not cared for him alone before now? Why did you go for such an extreme? Why not ask for a DAY at a time? OR is this b/c you got frustrated?

See, I'm not really sure I believe your requests were reasonable sounding TO HER...as if maybe she felt manipulated and forced to spend time with you herself...

You're going from NO care to wanting FULL care for days at a time. Without any prior effort to care for him. I don't believe she heard you saying you wanted time alone with him, until recently.

Saying you want to have him this many days all at once, might look like a maneuver, and it probably is. Be ready for her to react to THAT belief.

- Thirdly and last, my timeline is no timeline. Especially with Christmas coming up, I'm catching a plane back to France on the 23rd Dec., so it is very unlikely we'll holds hands by that date.
When I come back in January, I hope I'll have 50% custody of my son, my W will have to learn to live with it!

I don't understand why you'd leave at the holidays. Why aren't you going to share some of the holidays with him?

Did you talk to your lawyer? I can see why you don't want to be alone but if you and your wife could speak to each other you might have been able to share some of the holiday like other couples.

As for your w "learning to live with it!" --again your tone is one of vengeance. It may not be what you feel, but it sure sounds like it.

Dig deeper Bruce.

Remember to make your biggest goal one of personal growth. It's a gift you can give yourself and your family.


Tomorrow is my visit day, we'll see what's what.
B.

Good luck Bruce. And to reiterate, I totally support your goal of time with your son.

But if you come at this like a bull in a China closet, demanding immediate over nights and several of them, without the basics, it could backfire. It could look mean spirited and to me, it seems unrealistic too, which is not helpful.

So do your father thing and work on YOUR stuff too...can you tell us some GAL things you are doing

and some 180s? These basics of DBing apply to you AND will work for you too.