If you tries to gaslight you, don't react in a hasty and angry manner...stay calm no matter what.
I would suggest that you go to the bank first thing Monday morning and ensure that whatever funds you have jointly are protected. This could mean you setting up your own accounts. You do not want to be responsible or any spending sprees he goes on. Do the same w/credit cards. If they are joint and there are balances, there is a way around getting them changed over to your name so that he does not charge even more on them. I'll be happy to share w/you how I did it.
You have to get through the next couple of days and then the emotionally coaster will start for you, but I promise you...you will be okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You've been given great advice. Be ready for anything your H may throw at you. The spectrum for how he'll react is anything from crying to rage.
Be prepared to hear some ridiculous things as to why this is all your fault. As Snodderly said, remain calm.
Listen, and if there's anything he's says that stings, look at it carefully. It may be something you want to work on for you.
Afterward you may spin and wonder if you've done the right thing. I'll venture to say that most of us do. Come here and vent to us. It definitely helps with re-balancing.
If you tries to gaslight you, don't react in a hasty and angry manner...stay calm no matter what.
I would suggest that you go to the bank first thing Monday morning and ensure that whatever funds you have jointly are protected. This could mean you setting up your own accounts. You do not want to be responsible or any spending sprees he goes on. Do the same w/credit cards. If they are joint and there are balances, there is a way around getting them changed over to your name so that he does not charge even more on them. I'll be happy to share w/you how I did it.
You have to get through the next couple of days and then the emotionally coaster will start for you, but I promise you...you will be okay.
We don't have credit cards. I did make a hefty withdrawal from the home equity loan account just in case. I already have my own accounts. We are actually only together on one.
About the gaslighting, I am most curious to see what he'll spin. I have decided less said is probably the best. I'm hoping to get away with something along the lines of
"I know you are still involved with OW. That's a deal breaker for me. I'd like you to leave ASAP. You can tell the kids you are going for an extended visit to your parents."
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to stop by. I've spent most of the day overcome with guilt regarding the kids.
I am trying to remember that I am not the one who chose to break the marriage vows (time and time again).
Trying to convince myself that ultimately teaching them to demand a certain level of respect is a good thing.
Often falling short of making me feel like anything other than a homewrecker. Of my own home.
Tried for a while to look at it like a brain dead patient... the marriage is already dead and I'm just pulling the plug. That worked for a while.
Then S19 started talking about the SuperBowl, which is a HUGE deal at our house... and yeah, that wasn't good.
I 51% expect him to refuse to leave. Mostly because if he feels it is not according to his plan, under his control, he'll balk. And oh my, that's going to be interesting.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
All this info on how badly divorce effects kids. All this info on how parents are supposed to put the kids first and not divorce unless there is abuse.
Man.
I don't know what to do. There isn't physical abuse, AT ALL. Verbal/emotional? To me I'd say definitely. Possibly some to the kids, especially the oldest?
But I did this before, this "for the kids sake". Did it for a long time.
Does that mean I should continue? Or does it mean I'm entitled to say "enough"?
And am I talking about divorce yet? I really just want separation so I don't have to play house anymore. I haven't really thought past that.
H should be home anytime between now and 12 hours from now.
Hope the answer comes to me soon.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
One step at a time...one at a time. First see what happens when confronted and some time out of the house at his parents or however that works out. Be sure to do what all the others have advised, and maybe come up with a couple/few plans B,C,D and F depending on how each step falls out...
I am sorry you are at this point, be strong!!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm hoping for some sign? Some something. See how he reacts? I largely think his leaving would only be a matter of time anyway. I just don't know if I can be the one who gives up on the family. And I'm sure that is how H would spin this. "mom made me leave".
But now, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, knowing some things he says to her about me, and she to him (I AM DISCUSSED!! Man that rankles my very soul.) I can't go on as we were. Just can't.
Very likely if I do the DB prescription he'll high tail it pdq.
I just don't know.
Thanks again for stopping in.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I just don't know if I can be the one who gives up on the family. And I'm sure that is how H would spin this. "mom made me leave".
Chances are, your kids already know the truth....so they won't buy whatever H may try to sell...kids are soooo much more perceptive than we give credit for.
I am copying the below from from my own "done" info gathered from here...maybe it will help some?
Quote:
Told W that I agree with her: Our marriage is over, I don't know why I didn't realize it a long time ago. I told her to get a L and that I would do the same. If she won't leave, she needed to sleep on the couch. I am not going anywhere and not leaving my kids. She chose this, not me, and she needs to be the one to go. Also, we need to tell the kids that mom is the one who wants this, not dad.
Whenever she tells you what you are doing, thinking, feeling or might do. She's mind reading and needs to be called out on it. Ever heard this, "You are just doing that to make yourself feel better."
"No wife it is not fake. If you really want to know what I am thinking then just ask."
Here is how you lead.
"Wife, you asked the other day what we are going to do. Here is what I decided. I won't live in a open marriage. Unless you break off all contact and we have complete transparency, meaning I have access to your e-mail, cell phone and know where you are going to be. If you can't agree to that then this marriage is over and I won't move out of my house. . If you do agree to that then we will attend MC together and work on the issues that keep us from feeling loved and respected to each other."
Then don't be the next one to speak. She's either in or out. You are letting her off the hook, she get's to choose. You will look attractive to her because you stood up for yourself, your marriage and fought for her. You are leading your family. She will test you, be prepared. She wants to know you are strong and steadfast.
"Sorry honey, that my completely rational answer that would be accepted by anyone not in an affair and looking for the slightest reason to be annoyed by me so as to justify her looking outside the marriage is not acceptable to you."
Not all may be appropriate, but maybe there is some useful things and ideas for plans B and C...
I feel for you, I know that if I have evidence or a strong, gut feeling of a return to full-on replay (again) from W, then I would be right where you are...we have similar $$$ issues and the confinement and limited options of that scenario...hang in there!!! And breathe deeply as much as you can!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
