Melissa, the bad feelings will come and go. I see you've been riding the roller coaster, like all of us. Hang in there. Get some rest tonight. The better days will come...hopefully soon. (((())))
Still not feeling great today. Think I am getting sick. Still tired. This is occupying too much energy. Will see H today. Hoping to ignore him or at the very least sort of avoid him.
I'm not surprised at how you are feeling, Melissa.
You're dealing with so much at the moment. I'm impressed that you're functioning at all under the circumstances. You may not be aware of how much you are managing. I hope it will be your turn to have a rest from it all soon.
Good luck with today and (((((( ))))))) to you.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
So I wound up getting voluntary time off. Basically that means that not enough work for all of us for the day. I'm just fine with that. I had to get tires on my car and then when I got here H basically ran out the door. lol I did offer to go in the same car to conserve gas to visit S today and he said no. Whatever. I didn't push didn't say anything else. I did ask him to come the next few evenings after they get off the bus.
Who knows how that will go. He has at least been respecting my house. Not going through my things. Today I acted as if. Even managed a how is your day going today.
Visitation was okay. It's weird when we go we are normal. Like before- laugh and talk but of course the jokes are a bit more sardonic. Things are strange though. On some level I think h still wants some sort of relationship- for instance something ( insect) bit him repeatedly over and over on the neck. He wanted me to look at it- asked me what to do for it- if I thought he should go to dr. It just struck me that he trusted my opinion and judgement. I mean why not ask ow? Also he is still doing the be careful comments and that sort of thing which may mean nothing but I don't think so. He quit saying it when OW/XW moved back in now he is back to it and frankly often our relationship is just as contentious as always. Since S got in trouble H has willingly come every time I have asked which is very new. Asked D's to come over next weekend put up Xmas tree told them ow would not be there. I actually did invite him for dinner on wed if S gets to come home ( which he should I feel much more positive about that whole sit) he didnt respond looked at me a little strangely. I did say I promise not to poison you lol and made a joke of it. It was really an offer just to allow him to be a part of it for S. frankly H makes me uncomfortable for the most part. Something that made me smile- H brings a thermos of coffee in the mornings and I really wondered about it and even asked him basically just pointed to my coffee pot indicating it was on and some was made. He made it a point to tell me he was fine and had some. I think OW makes it for him which is dumb but whatever- we have already discussed how stupidly controlling she is- but the D's said as soon as I left (after he made a big deal about it) he had them pour his out and drank mine. Lol anymore it's the little things I guess. Maybe eventually they will add up. I did check his bank account balance via the automated phone thing just to see if he was lying about money. He wasn't. I don't think he is going the spending though which is ironic. There were several payments though that were bills and honestly at this point he has none. OW has used his debit card to set up payment of her bills. Lol I am willing to bet that 3 months tops is all he will deal with of this. I can't explain but I get the feeling there is already some trouble in paradise. Nothing specific but just a feeling. Some of the things he has done lately have been out of consideration for me. Like offering to keep D's while I visit S when we didn't have anyone to. I don't dare say anything more against her though because I am definitely being compared and measured against. Interesting though. I wonder how this will all go when he realizes I am serious about never going back and him needing to fix himself first? I also don't think he is in a hurry to divorce. Again weird. Mentally I am in a better place today although I have a horrifying stomach virus. I just keep replaying and going over things I my mind. I hate it when I do that. I am going to try to catch up on others threads tonight.
So what is Melissa doing? I know everything about H but nothing about how Melissa is working on herself.
There's lot of mindreading in your post. Do you see it? I know it's sometimes comforting to try and figure out what's going on in our S head because it makes us feel better that it's all their problem.
The only problem with that is we can only hope to change ourselves. Constantly looking at them and making them the problem doesn't help us. I will admit, your H has problems mine did/does too but knowing that didn't really help me become a better person.
I had to do that work and continue to do it every day and it's not easy.
You can do this, Melissa. Tell me as much about what you're doing as you've written about H.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hmmm I'm not doing a thing today except obsessing and being sick. Neither of which are helpful. I took a nap and got off the computer. Worked on some Xmas stuff for the kids. Things I am doing otherwise just gal - ing. Planning for my future, trying to take care of kids. Considering a move back to ohio. Also getting ready for school next semester. Seemingly nothing on the surface. I think my thinking is shifting though. I'm working on doing what I want. That's interesting. Trying to be me and be true to me. Working on my self esteem and confidence. Trying to meet new people and get outside of my comfort zone. Reconnecting with old friends that have long been neglected.
Oh yes- read them both. At this point my goals only pertain to myself though. That feels rather selfish.
1. Finish degree/graduate 2. Continue to help children transition 3. Get my financial house in order 4. Finish some repairs on my house 5. Buy new house/move 6. Clean up my body clutter 7. Rebuild relationships/friendships that have been let go. 8. Continue counseling.
As far as H - I really have no goals. I would like to just let that whole situation go for the time being. Sounds dumb probably. I guess perhaps I hope that we can have a non contentious relationship. I still tend to revert to the victim when I am around him and let him bully me in his way. Or that is how it feels to me. I really need to work on that and not letting him have that power. I think that is another reason why I say let it go. By that I mean just do nothing. Not deal with it. That way I guess I don't get hurt any more. Part of me still feels like much of what he does is intentionally to hurt. I would eventually like it if in some way he simply didn't have such a low opinion of me. I'm not sure that will ever happen so rather than worry about it I would rather not deal with him. Also, I have experienced lately (not just from him but his family) that they really want me out of the way. It's hard to articulate. You talk about fired but I have been all the way around. Straight up his family is rude and nasty to me. They do not even pretend to be cordial because of our kids. Ironic thing is that I am the one that was screwed over. I have just determined these people are crazy and I am better off avoiding them at all costs. Same goes for H at this time.
