He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[Wendylon]

His thesis statement tonight was that I don't understand the impact of my actions. That I have behaved sh!tty time after time and never really understood how it affected him.

It sounds as if your H needs lots of airtime on this topic. It's great that you did a 180 and listened instead of arguing. I suspect this is the way through your sitch: you validating and listening without defending yourself. You can validate his emotions without taking on all the blame. I think the less validated he feels, the more he will act out and try to punish you.

I know you have lots of resentments yourself but you are the one on this board so what about giving room to his first for longer? We're here to help you listen without being defensive. Your H at his best sounds like a great guy. As I've said before, the big thing going for him (in my opinion) is that he is the father of your children. I'm not saying that that trumps all else but I do think it's worth you persevering with DBing and especially with the detaching. Let him take his time but don't let him treat you badly. And who knows, maybe he will move out before things improve again.

And at the end, I mirrored it back to him and tried to reflect the feelings. I think he felt heard at the end of it and that's when the conversation ended.

That sounds great.

H suggested that I focus on my actions and how they impact other people.

You have nothing to lose by doing this. On the contrary, it could help you understand things from his position and make him feel validated.

By the way, I don't think that being in counselling means you need to be doing things actively and having R talks. It could be even more valuable to learn how to stop doing certain things and how not to react to certain triggers. Your changes can be very subtle and very effective.

Good luck with your coaching session on Tuesday. Do you have specific questions?