My wife wants to separate

[SM34]

My wife and I met when she was 17 and I was 20. I was a college student and I met her online while she was in her senior year of high school. We hit it off and become boyfriend and girlfriend from our second date.

We were together for 7 years before we finally got married. There were several times during that period where she was going to end the relationship but we always patched things up and moved on. We are very close and I consider her my best friend. In fact she is really my only true friend because everyone else seems to want someone from me.

Her parents love me and think I am the best thing that has happened to her. I got a double bachelors in Computer Sciene and Engineering, and I did 1.5 years of an MBA and unfortunately did not finish it. I started a business right out of college and really assumed financial responsibility for my wife since the very beginning. My business grew over the years and so we bought a house together and got married and had a beautiful wedding. She got to choose everything she wanted for the wedding!

2 years after we got married, we had a little baby girl. Things were great except that the economy had started to take a toll on my business. I also had a partner who turned into a drug addict and for 7 years of the 12 years the business has been running, he was a drain on me physically, emotionally, and financially. My wife always told me to get him out but I never could. He was my best friend at the time and me and him were close. I kept giving him a second chance...thats the type of person I am.

Anyway, 2010 and 2011 were really tough for us financially. We still continued to act like everything was going to be fine and I sheltered my wife from the worry I was in. She is a stay at home mom and I really wanted things to be perfect for her to she could focus on raising our kids.

6 months ago, it started to get unbearable with my business partner. So, one day when he hadn't showed up to work for a few weeks and wasnt answering my calls, I finally told him either he gets out or I get out. He chose to take some money and leave the business. This was going to be a turning point for my wife and I, at least that is what I told myself and her. I had been working non stop for the last few years, 6 days a week and money was not enough to support the life style we had gotten used to.... a nice house, two brand new leased cars (business tax write off) and vacations several times a year. Life become about working, and trying to tighten the belt on the budget so we can get by. In the last six months after my partner has gotten out, it has not gotten much better.

I was so stressed out that my sex drive plummeted and I was in a constant state of anxiety and worry. I should have gotten some help at that point. I continued to think life is about to get better because this or that was about to happen at work. Amidst all of this, my wife has been neglected. We were not as intimate as we used to be, and it made her feel insecure. She told me about it several times, but I am not sure why it never registered as something I could fix. To me the fix was making more money so life could be good again like it used to be. then I would be happy and sex would be great again.

So at some point about 2 weeks ago my wife started chatting on facebook and messages on her phone with an old friend. he is actually her best friend's husbands brother. Anyway, it seems she confided in him that our sex life was not so great and he being a single guy, started praying on that vulnerability. He started telling her how beautiful she is, and that he has had a crush on her since he met her 3 years ago. He lives 1.5 hours away so we havent seen him since his brothers wedding that we attended 3 years ago.

After talking with him for just 4 days, my wife confronted me and said 'There is someone else'. I broke down and did everything I now know i should not have done. My wife was always attracted to my confidence and now I was crying and begging her to stay and give me a chance. She said me and this guy havent been physical but he makes me feel so good! He is just like you but only he makes me feel pretty and wanted. I tried to tell her he is single and needs someone, but she was saying its too late, I have told you about this many times recently and you have done nothing.

Then she had an intervention with her best friend (this guy's sister in law) and of course she came back saying that her friends think there is no need to think about anything and that if she was unhappy and this guy makes her happy she should pursue it. i wish people who are not licensed counselors would keep their mouth shut! Her mother and I begged her to hold off until we could see a marriage therapist and I quickly made an appointment with a GP and got anti depressant (Welbutrin because it helps with sex drive) and ordered a full blood test to check testosterone. The results were going to take a few days.

My wife insisted she had to go see this guy. There was nothing I could do but beg her not to make a big mistake. But she went anyway. I stayed home with our 3 year old! After the baby was in bed my research led me to this site. It is now exactly 11 days since the bomb. She has been to see him and stayed the night 3 times and the rest of the nights she has spent here in our house with me and my daughter. She sleeps in another room. We still get along really well and i have been DBing as much as possible.

She has been to see her therapist on her own accord. I did not force her. She also made an appointment for marriage counseling but the recommended person (by her therapist) is not available until after new year (Jan 8th). So we have one month to go! In the meantime, she has gone one more time to spend the night with this guy.

Now, I think she is very happy to have a guy who makes her feel good about herself as I had been neglecting that. But, I also know he is not really her type as far as looks go, and also he really cannot afford her. He told her he would get a second job if he had to.

She is now realizing I think how much of a hassle it is to drive 1.5 hours to see him. She is a wonderful mother and does not want to miss any time with our daughter so she leaves after she is in bed, and then I wake up and take her to daycare, then my wife is back by 12.30 in the afternoon to pick her up and take her home. she then spends maybe 2 or 3 nights with us and then goes to see him again.

Although she said we should get divorced during our initial confrontation when she dropped the bomb, she has not mentioned it again. She knows she has a wonderful life and a great husband and baby, but this guy is pushing the right buttons!! They text all day long while I am trying to act cool and confident. I know she will realize sooner or later this guy is a loser (he has a crappy job and has to pay child support for a 12 year old son he has). He does not have the ability to pay for her for anything.

So now today is Friday night, and my mother in law offered to take the baby for the night because she is trying to help me save my marriage. I told me wife I wanted to make dinner because I am an awesome cook and she loves that about me. The OM is not at all domestic i have discovered. So I am trying to show my strengths and contrast them with his weaknesses ....I can cook he cant. I am smart and me and her like to talk politics and he really doesnt know anything about politics and would rather play video games all night...lame.

Am I going too far? Should be backing off? I know my wife has always felt she got into a relationship too early because she was in high school, so i think she suffers from the grass is greener syndrome. She will realize at some point it is not, but i cant wait! i want my wife back. I want my family back. I can't stand that this guy is getting so much attention from my life partner!

What do i do?

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Most of us lose weight after BD.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

[Grocerykartman]

Niceguy,

In fact she is really my only true friend because everyone else seems to want someone from me.

This is the most striking thing of your whole post to me, believe it or not. I would ask you to answer the following questions:

Can you elaborate? Why do you say that? What are the kinds of things people want from you? Other than your business partner that did not pan out, would you say your best 1 or 2 friends also seem to do this a lot?

There were several times during that period where she was going to end the relationship but we always patched things up and moved on.

Can you elaborate?

But, I also know he is not really her type as far as looks go, and also he really cannot afford her. He told her he would get a second job if he had to. [quote=niceguy34]

You asked "what do I do?" This is an example of a thought process you need to STOP IMMEDIATELY. Because your are spending your time thinking, judging, assuming, and at least mildly obsessing about this guy. You have spent a lot of energy characterizing him. Do not spend one more ounce of energy comparing yourself to him.

Why? Because you know you are the better option, right?

Or do you?

Really think about this...everytime you compare him to you, you are actually second-guessing yourself. Cadet is right in his previous post, you have been given the gift of time, and I would also say, space here. With this gift, you can either stand pat with the way you act and spend your thoughts and energy cutting down the other guy...OR...you can dismiss the other guy's existance entirely and use the time you are separated from her to vastly improve and reinvent yourself for YOU, not for her.

So like I said, this means..stop thinking things like:

[quote=niceguy34]I know she will realize sooner or later this guy is a loser (he has a crappy job and has to pay child support for a 12 year old son he has). He does not have the ability to pay for her for anything.

and

The OM is not at all domestic i have discovered. So I am trying to show my strengths and contrast them with his weaknesses ....I can cook he cant. I am smart and me and her like to talk politics and he really doesnt know anything about politics and would rather play video games all night...lame.

If all these contrasts were enough to keep her with you, she wouldn't be doing any of these things. If cooking and politics were higher on her prioroty list right now than the affection she's getting from the other guy right now, she wouldn't be going to see him either. I think she has already made the conscentious decision to swap your ability to talk politics and your cooking (and so much more that you do have to offer) for his affection. And that's not even counting the time she is missing with her daughter.

So, in short, I would advise you to NOT think that by doing more of what you already can do is going to weigh in your favor of making her reconsider. She's already decided that's not enough at this particular window of her life.

It's up to you to grow now, and become an even better, independent person, for YOU, with no expectations of your wife that she will change her behavior, just the strong hope that she will.

[quote=niceguy34]...i think she suffers from the grass is greener syndrome. She will realize at some point it is not, but i cant wait! i want my wife back. I want my family back. I can't stand that this guy is getting so much attention from my life partner![quote=niceguy34]

Take a long deep breath, and RELAX. I know it probably seems almost impossible to at the moment. Best thing you can do is relax. And take note, that the last statement of your post, the actual conclusion, is that you can't stand that this guy is getting so much attention from your life partner. That's the thinking you need to evolve from.

Disregard him. Work on yourself.

[Grocerykartman]

Boy, my work with quotations left and lot to be desired with that post. I meant for that last post to look like this:

Niceguy,

In fact she is really my only true friend because everyone else seems to want someone from me.

This is the most striking thing of your whole post to me, believe it or not. I would ask you to answer the following questions:

Can you elaborate? Why do you say that? What are the kinds of things people want from you? Other than your business partner that did not pan out, would you say your best 1 or 2 friends also seem to do this a lot?

There were several times during that period where she was going to end the relationship but we always patched things up and moved on.

Can you elaborate?

But, I also know he is not really her type as far as looks go, and also he really cannot afford her. He told her he would get a second job if he had to.

You asked "what do I do?" This is an example of a thought process you need to STOP IMMEDIATELY. Because your are spending your time thinking, judging, assuming, and at least mildly obsessing about this guy. You have spent a lot of energy characterizing him. Do not spend one more ounce of energy comparing yourself to him.

Why? Because you know you are the better option, right?

Or do you?

Really think about this...everytime you compare him to you, you are actually second-guessing yourself. Cadet is right in his previous post, you have been given the gift of time, and I would also say, space here. With this gift, you can either stand pat with the way you act and spend your thoughts and energy cutting down the other guy...

OR...

you can dismiss the other guy's existance entirely and use the time you are separated from her to vastly improve and reinvent yourself for YOU, not for her.

So like I said, this means..stop thinking things like:

I know she will realize sooner or later this guy is a loser (he has a crappy job and has to pay child support for a 12 year old son he has). He does not have the ability to pay for her for anything.

and

The OM is not at all domestic i have discovered. So I am trying to show my strengths and contrast them with his weaknesses ....I can cook he cant. I am smart and me and her like to talk politics and he really doesnt know anything about politics and would rather play video games all night...lame.

If all these contrasts were enough to keep her with you, she wouldn't be doing any of these things. If cooking and politics were higher on her priority list right now than the affection she's getting from the other guy, she wouldn't be going to see him either. I think she has already made the conscentious decision to swap your ability to talk politics and your cooking (and so much more that you do have to offer) for his affection. And that's not even counting the time she is missing with her daughter.

So, in short, I would advise you to NOT think that by doing more of what you already can do is going to weigh in your favor of making her reconsider. She's already decided that's not enough at this particular window of her life.

It's up to you to grow now, and become an even better, independent person, for YOU, with no expectations of your wife that she will change her behavior, just the strong hope that she will.

...i think she suffers from the grass is greener syndrome. She will realize at some point it is not, but i cant wait! i want my wife back. I want my family back. I can't stand that this guy is getting so much attention from my life partner!

Take a long deep breath, and RELAX. I know it probably seems almost impossible to at the moment. Best thing you can do is relax. And take note, that the last statement of your post, the actual conclusion, is that you can't stand that this guy is getting so much attention from your life partner. That's the thinking you need to evolve from.

Disregard him. Work on yourself.

[SM34]

Thank you all for the advice! So how can I detach when she pretty much lives with me? She is home just about every evening! Do I talk to her? Do I be nice? Do I ignore her? I want her to miss my company but the natural impulse is to up the kindness which I realize is not doing me any good.

Anyone actually recover and get their wife back? It seems everyone I see is still waiting after years. Do they ever come to their senses and realize they can actually work on their man and get us to be what they want? Especially after a situation like this. I think I am ready, more than ever, to change whatever ways she wants.

I feel at this point my wife is having her cake and eating it. She gets to live in our nice house and still enjoys having her nice new car. She also has my companionship because I can't help but talk to her at home. She also enjoys time with our daughter without stressing about anything. But, she also gets to take off whenever she wants and spend time in a bubble with OM. What should I do, if anything, about this?

When do you start a little tough love? I want to tell her she needs to start having OM pay for her expenses, especially the gas she needs to go see him. But at the same time I am hoping she will snap out of this quickly before all of that. Wishful thinking?

[Grocerykartman]

Others on the board can certainly give you better advice than I can on a lot of these things, especially since my wife moved out and it made it much easier to eventually detach. Any advice you get from me is more for working on yourself than how to ultimately make it work again with your wife, since I ultimately didn't.

There are success stories on here, see Denver 2010 (his wife moved home); from the female side 25yearssesismic is another one, and Sandi2's advice as someone who had the mindset as a WAW and eventually stopped and reconciled with her husband is invaluable. I know there are more but regrettably I don't recall whom at the moment.

I would re-ask you though, about your friends who always seem to want something from you and also about the times she was going to end the relationship before. I think that would help the board understand your situation better. Also, you say you think you are ready now, more than ever to change whatever she wants. What had she previously expressed to you that she wants? Was it just more sex and intimacy? Or did she have other complaints?

Hopefully others whose spouses didn't move out but carried on their extracurriculars will chime in, so that you can get advice on some of your other questions.

I wish you well.

[SM34]

The comment i made about friends wanting things I guess is old news. Back in college i had a nice car and allowance from my parents so many of my buddies just seemed to want to tag. I had a crew of three guy friends that stuck with me out of college and then over the years I have lost contact with them, one by one. The last few years ALL my friends are actually my wife's friends or somehow through people she knew. See I didn't grow up in the USA, I moved here to go to college. So I dont have a million high school friends like she does, since she went to high school just 2 miles from our house!

So getting a life is hard now because I don't want to see any of her friends in case they know what is going on. I don't want to be asked what is going on when I myself am not sure. So, I need to sign up for some kind of fun classes or start volunteering (something I have wanted to do for a long time) and meet more people.

to answer your other question, she has wanted to break up with me before we were married pretty much for the same reason she has now. She has had this constant feeling that 'what if' we were not together .......'what is the grass is greeener'..... Last time it ended I relationship we were much younger and in our mid twenties. I gave her some space to think but i also seduced and woed her back to me shortly after. Her girlfriends and her mother and father were teling her he is a catch and don't let him get away. I now realize that I should have let her go back then, and seen if she came back to me on her own. I guess she has never gotten it out of her system.

I was the first man she has ever slept with, and the only until 2 weeks ago. It hurts that she had to throw away something that special! I always took pride in being the only one who has 'been there'. But, I am at peace with what she is doing because I think it is long over due. When she dropped the bomb she told me I need 6 months to find myself and figure out if this marriage is right. And if it is, our relationship will be sooo much stronger. I just think that jumping into something with someone so quickly was not the way to discover yourself! Although it may actually work in my favor since the dynamic of how her life will be with him was not thought out very well.

Once she realizes he is not going to assume any of her financial liability, which is already seeming to be happening, she will know what has gone wrong. Like i mentioned he lives an hour and half away and so she has needed a lot of gas money to go to see him. So yesterday I said casually in a loving way, 'Hey didn't he say he would do whatever it takes? WE cannot afford all this gas so I think he should be helping you pay for it if he wants you to come to see you. She didnt say anything in response but I could tell that she thought it would be akward to ask a guy she has only been seeing for 2 weeks for gas money. But he told her he would do whatever it takes, so he should honor that. If he doesn't this could be over sooner rather than later. Because she may just realize that he's blowing smoke up her skirt as her mother says!

Today we took our daughter to the park to play. We had a nice time with my daughter but I made her start conversation first, and she seemed to be trying hard to keep the dialogue running. Not looking at signs this early obviously but she is a very intelligent woman and can usually spot a bad situation. I just think in this case the OM is giving her so many compliments and so much attention (more than I have) that she is blinded.

But i definitely need some pointers from anyone out there who has a wife that lives with him because of having young children. How can you detach without seeming like an A-hole? Obviously the advantage of her living with me is she can see all the changes I am making.

to answer your question was there other things she complained about other than sex? There is this one thing that she blurted out during the anger days following the bomb. She kept saying you just never finish any projects you start, that drives me crazy! See she is an interior designer and has a business of her own although she has only had two projects. So, when we have something going on at home like a light fixture that needs a new bulb, or like we have a leaking toilet etc.... She hates that I dont take care of these things IMMEDIATELY. I am not as handy as she would like me to be in terms of fixing things around the house. So every time she is spending the night at OM house, I have taken care of and finished one of the half finished repair jobs in our house, after I put my daughter to bed. She has noticed and has complimented but I just acted like it is no big deal. I have not pointed it out to her though.

Something else that happened that was strange was that i got the test results back from the GP and my testosterone is fine, but the problem seems to be Vitamin D deficiency. Without vitamin D you might have low sex drive. So the GP has recommended getting sun as much as possible with work and all, and also taking a vitamin supplement. So the other day she asked me 'have you been taking the vitamins like the dr told you?'. I said yes, but I was wondering why she would care about my sex drive if she has moved on?

Again, I need input from someone with the same living situation. My wife still cares for me and our daughter so she is hard to read. I think she still feels like we are a family and so she does all the dishes, laundry, cleaning and even makes me a dinner that I can warm up while she is good. Its very confusing. It is like she wants to live a double life! Or maybe until I get my act together. Or maybe not? I don't know anymore!


It takes forever to get responses on this board. Thats hard when things are changing so quickly and you need everyone's input.

[Grocerykartman]

Make sure to follow Cadet's advice, post in small, frequent amounts so you get off of moderation. Ironically, when someone first gets here they need answers more quickly than at any other point of this lousy journey. Unfortunately, a couple years ago, as is the case with any walk of life, they were a few folks who ruined it for the many with some of the stuff they were posting, so your posts will be on moderation for a short while yet and won't show up right away.

Anyway, yes, until you get some input from others whose spouses are still living with them, all I can offer you is this: My daughter was also 3 when this happened to me. Not sure if yours is a young 3, mid 3, or almost 4, but one thing I found most ironic was that when all this started, my daughter was too young to really go anyplace or offer much in the way of conversation or attention span. So I'd been in the pattern of "not doing anything" because I always thought, "well, how much can I do? Can't take D much of anywhere."

But somewhere around 3 and half going on 4, I could at least take my daughter a whole lot of new places and the million and one questions would start about everything. Even a simple trip to the hardware store or a wild bird store becomes a great way to spend your time. So for starters, you will soon see (if you haven't already) an opportunity to really accelerate the activities and learning experiences you have with your daughter. This will keep you smiling and is the healthiest distraction possible to what your wife is doing. Putting a lot of positive energy into doing things with your daughter is very theraputic.

Of course, this still doesn't really qualify as GALing, it just gives you much more to do and look forward to and like I said a distraction from your wife's actions. So with regard to you, you have every right to join some group or volunteer for something. But I think it will work best if you join something that you truly have always wanted to or were previously involved in and just lost touch with. Your heart has to be truly into it or it will probably just come off as a tactic. What kinds of things would you like to get into?

Its very confusing. It is like she wants to live a double life! Or maybe until I get my act together. Or maybe not? I don't know anymore!

Difficult as this may sound, I say to you don't worry about it. Don't worry about what she's thinking, because I doubt she knows what she's thinking right now. Just worry about you and what you're thinking. That's what is meant by detaching. Detaching is not ignoring her, or not being nice to her, it's living your life not worrying about what she's gonna do or what she thinks.

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome to the forums! There's a lot of ground to cover here. I'm going to say things you may not like or agree with, but please understand that when I read your posts I read a lot of what I said and thought after BD and it is incorrect thinking. Learn from my mistakes. First, have you read DR? If not then get it right away. It's your roadmap. You can't DB without keeping DR nearby. The first step is to begin with a beginner's mind. Stop thinking you know anything about what's going on, just clear your mind and try to be receptive. Here we go...

We are very close and I consider her my best friend. In fact she is really my only true friend because everyone else seems to want someone from me.

It sounds like you may have codependency issues, rather than get into that here you might want to check out the book "Codependent No More".

Her parents love me and think I am the best thing that has happened to her.

I can't tell you how many people have come here saying this, then confide in in-laws and are shocked when it backfires on them. The saying "blood is thicker than water" is absolutely true. They no longer think you hung the moon, they want your W to be happy and they will at some point encourage her to move on because they will think that is what will make her happy again. There's a chapter in DR on this. Bottom line- DO NOT confide in them AT ALL. Same with friends and other family. Because it WILL get back to your W and it will make you look controlling and manipulative and that is very damaging to your efforts.

She got to choose everything she wanted for the wedding!

I see this theme repeated a few times in your posts, that you may think material things are important to her and she should be happy because you have a nice home and cars. I assure you this is not the case. Emotional support is what she craves and what she feels is missing. All the fancy stuff in the world doesn't make up for that. Believe me I know, my W walked from a beautiful paid off home with an amazing backyard with pool and gazebo, lush landscaping, nice paid off cars, etc. etc. All to move into a tiny house in a lousy neighborhood with more weeds than landscaping. The material stuff doesn't factor in to your W's decision AT ALL.

I kept giving him a second chance...thats the type of person I am.

You stayed partners with a deadbeat drug addict for years. Maybe you see it as a character trait, your W probably sees it as a fault.

Anyway, 2010 and 2011 were really tough for us financially. We still continued to act like everything was going to be fine and I sheltered my wife from the worry I was in. She is a stay at home mom and I really wanted things to be perfect for her to she could focus on raising our kids.

What you saw as "sheltering" your W probably saw as you keeping secrets and not communicating with her. It would have been better to have frank, honest conversations with her and involve her in your business decisions than to pretend everything was fine when it obviously wasn't.

I had been working non stop for the last few years, 6 days a week and money was not enough to support the life style we had gotten used to.... a nice house, two brand new leased cars (business tax write off) and vacations several times a year.

Living beyond your means is unhealthy. You may have thought all the "stuff" gave your lives value, but it seems clear your W didn't share that vision.

Amidst all of this, my wife has been neglected. We were not as intimate as we used to be, and it made her feel insecure. She told me about it several times, but I am not sure why it never registered as something I could fix.

You may have felt like she was nagging you. That's often the way it goes, our W's try to communicate problems to us in negative ways and we view it as nagging and push them farther away. Unfortunately we don't get the message until it's too late.

I quickly made an appointment with a GP and got anti depressant (Welbutrin because it helps with sex drive)

It doesn't help, it just doesn't make things worse. Some A/D's ruin labido, but Welbutrin doesn't. But don't expect it to fix your lack of interest in sex. That is probably going to need other med's and/ or therapy.

She has been to see her therapist on her own accord. I did not force her. She also made an appointment for marriage counseling but the recommended person (by her therapist) is not available until after new year (Jan 8th).

I've been there and done that and have read many other similar sitches, so let me tell you how this is likely to play out. Your W's IC is simply there to help her sort out her thoughts, so they're likely to just reinforce your W's desire to leave. And when you get into MC, your W will pretty much ignore all comments that might help the M and embrace the ones that she feels justify her actions. MC very rarely helps anyone when they're in your sitch.

Now, I think she is very happy to have a guy who makes her feel good about herself as I had been neglecting that. But, I also know he is not really her type as far as looks go, and also he really cannot afford her. He told her he would get a second job if he had to.

Sounds like you think she'll "come to her senses" if you just wait around long enough. No, it doesn't work that way. You're trying to convince yourself that all the trappings you offer somehow outweigh the emotional component she's looking for and they don't. Not to her. If you stay the same old you, she'll never return. You have got to do some serious soul-searching, figure out everything you did wrong in the M and do 180's on those things. You have to do them consistently and wait months and months before she'll even start to take notice.

She knows she has a wonderful life and a great husband and baby, but this guy is pushing the right buttons!!

I have never heard of a single WAS that thought their husband was great. They might say they're a great father or a good person, but certainly not a great H.

I know she will realize sooner or later this guy is a loser (he has a crappy job and has to pay child support for a 12 year old son he has). He does not have the ability to pay for her for anything.

There's that trap again, you're convincing yourself that material stuff gives you the advantage and will win the day. It won't.

So I am trying to show my strengths and contrast them with his weaknesses ....I can cook he cant.

Don't do this. Fix YOUR weaknesses. Cooking is not going to trump the love she thinks she's getting from OM.

I know my wife has always felt she got into a relationship too early because she was in high school, so i think she suffers from the grass is greener syndrome. She will realize at some point it is not, but i cant wait!

You've admitted that you neglected her, that you have sexual problems and that she's complained and you've done nothing to fix the problems. So the problems are real and need to be fixed. The "grass is greener" phrase means things are better on this side of the fence and just "look" better on the other side, but right now for her things really are better on the other side. So you've got to work on your side.

Do I talk to her? Do I be nice? Do I ignore her?

Read DR and read Sandi's 180 DB tips (sticky at top of forum). Detaching is not about ignoring her. Ignoring her would in fact be "more of the same" behavior based on what you've described.

Anyone actually recover and get their wife back? It seems everyone I see is still waiting after years. Do they ever come to their senses and realize they can actually work on their man and get us to be what they want?

YOU have got to change. YOU have got to become the H only a fool would leave. Then maybe she will come back, not because she "came to her senses" but because you made yourself into a person she WANTS to be with.

Especially after a situation like this. I think I am ready, more than ever, to change whatever ways she wants.

She'll believe actions, not words. Words are cheap. Start changing right now.

But at the same time I am hoping she will snap out of this quickly before all of that. Wishful thinking?

Sorry, but I'm not aware of a M ever being saved overnight. I think 3 months is about the shortest timeframe I've read about, and that was very unusual. I want you to have realistic expectations. I too expected an overnight change of heart, it was 2 months after BD before it really sunk in that my W truly was done with me in her heart and that it'll take many months for her to decide otherwise (if she ever does).

[SM34]

So how do you show your W that you will can be more intimate and more mindful of her needs when she isnt giving you the chance to be intimate? It seems if someone has an anger management issue for example, then they could show their w they are changing. So how can you show it in my situation? How do i work on this skills in a way that will actually show?