The house is for sale. So sad, Family is breaking.

[FloydMan]

I am not certain it is self-righteousness, at least not for me I know it is not. It is clear disappointment, hurt, anger and yes some guilt as well on my part. I cried and wept and pleaded for forgiveness. But in all I have read in After the Affair, Michele’s books etc and 4 therapists, she owns that and needs to make that part safe for the BS. I know where I failed prior to the A, problem is the A is the only thing she feels she is culpable. I had some grievances too and that is what I thought we worked on for months to get to the point where we were working well. That is why the therapists said it was time to deal with the A and learn to build trust. It went downhill from there as she avoided it and kept being private and secretive. That is what drove the anxiety right back up.
I did not look at it as punishing, at least not intentionally aware of it but clearly that is how she took it. Her actions and attitude after the A seemed as much if not more selfish in my view.
What a double edged sword this all is. I think stubbornness is at play with all of us 3 H’s and all 3 W’s. Your H’s are hurting and so are the 3 W’s.
I have protected my wife and not told anyone. That also eats away at me and the therapist #1 told me I should not protect her so much. Honestly, family and close friends cannot figure out the break-up and don’t get it. What they hear from her and from me is very typical marriage stuff. She has recently been bad mouthing me out there to friends and even MY sister-in-law. They don’t get her trivial complaints though she expresses it in such anger to them. Does W not realize this gets back to me? We both contributed to the breakdown, but I chose different outlets to fill the void, not betrayal. That is not self-righteous, just the truth and it hurts. I bent over backwards to change a multitude of things. All I wanted was openness, honesty and genuine apology, coupled with “I will never do that again”. It is important to hear that and see that.
It is a tough road, one that my W decided she could not travel.