Posting part of Sandi's post from Floydman's sitch here because it relates and I want to reinforce these points to myself, I'm sure others have said them throughout my sitch and many are in stickies but apparently I need to see them again
Originally Posted By: sandi2
It's very important to not pursue her in any way. You need to have a lot of self-confidence. That is attractive to women. Being needy, clingy, etc., is not attractive in a man. Some women even see a man who wants constant reassurance as a sign of weakness.
You say you can't trust her and that she'd have to earn it. Have you told her exactly what it would take in order to earn your trust again? I'm sure it includes no attempts at contacting OM, but is that all......or have you lost trust in every other area as well?
Even though the house has been put up for sale, the fact that you are still under the same roof means that you have a lot of opportunities to turn things around. But I have some suggestions as to what does not work with a WAW, if you're trying to save the M.
Don't ask her how she feels toward you, the M, or a D. Don't ask about her activities that don’t concern the kids or spending your money. Don’t discuss past problems. Don’t try to point out good things about being M. Don’t try to guilt her about what she’s doing to the kids, you, or others. Don’t use punitive behavior toward your W. Don’t make negative remarks. Don’t act nasty, mean, or cold. Don’t expect anything from her.
This is not all of the “don’ts” but if you can handle that much, you will accomplish a lot!
DBing is all about working on “you”……not your spouse. Your biggest challenge will be to not focus on her. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and see what you need to do to be a better man. Set some personal goals. Don’t make them about her. These are just about you. If she’s had complaints in the past, that should help you get started with improvements.
Stay active with your kids and a personal life. You have to get a life that does not include your wife. Keep your calendar full throughout the coming weeks. Don’t “wait” to see what her plans may be, but instead, you inform her that you have made plans for that date. You don’t explain in detail what your plans are. She no longer gets an account of your activities…and you don’t ask about hers. When she is with you, be sure to show your best personality, manners, and charm. When other women are around, make sure you show them the same qualities.
Shape up your personal appearance and make sure you are looking sharp all the time. You may look sexy wearing nothing but a pair of blue jeans, but the point is that you look good.
Your attitude must be one that says you are enjoying life. Some men are afraid the wife will think he wants to split up. But in reality, you’ve already messed up by letting her know how clingy you are, so now she needs to see a guy who is suddenly having a good time wherever he is.....and him having a good time does not depend upon her! He may be playing with the kids while she’s cooking dinner or on the computer……but if she hears the giggles from the kids……well, it touches a woman’s heart like nothing else can. But seeing you enjoying yourself as if you’re moving on…..will get her attention and even stir her curiosity. It causes you to be a much more interesting man and one who people like to be around.
You may learn that the work in saving your marriage is nothing like you thought it would be. You have nothing to lose here, right?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
