W has been quiet this week. Sunday was last conversation that wasn't just terse details. Last week she seemed much more open.
Reassure me that's just normal. I'm Not a mind reader but no, this is not unusual. Our growth, and our paths to reconciliation are NOT linear ones.
We go in spurts and bursts and take backward steps too.
W had counciling appt today. Dying to know how it went, or IF she went. Tell me not to ask her. Be quiet. Stop obsessing. Why aren't you working on YOU and YOUR IC?
Your happiness (or misery) is NOT connected to hers.
Take charge of your life.
IF her car breaks down, does that mean your car breaks down? Does it mean that you win the lottery (b/c she had a bad day and this is a contest)?
No of course not. So let her do her work and you do yours.
The not knowing is a killer. Not knowing WHAT? What does that even mean? This is a self inflicted injury.
Again, you must take charge of your life and
stop tying your hourly or daily happiness and worry to what you think she might be thinking/doing/plannning or feeling. You are responsible for your happiness. Do you get that?
Let go of what you cannot control, which is a lot in life. Focus on what you can control and keep it simple.
Back off and learn to detach...and then do it 100 times MORE than you think is needed.
Brain goes crazy thinking why wouldn't she call and tell me...she did plan to take a friend with her and hang out after...
I guess the topic will come up on Saturday....
Why on earth would she call YOU, after HER counselling?
Come to think of it, I don't believe I ever once called my h after a session...not once. And we reconciled!
I don't get it. You think she slapped her forehead with amazing revelations, all related to either divorce OR reconciling, (b/c those are the only options)
she HAD to share with you then and there?
stop with the wild expecations or YOU will make yourself nuts.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, DC Improv is where I'm headed...from DC? I'm out in the country, but it's the nearest city.
I bought tickets already online for the early show Saturday. Never done this before and didn't Know if it could sell out so got them yesterday.
I have not mentioned the anniversary, only shopping and dinner. Dinner will be at the club or maybe nearby.
Tickets totalled $41 so if she balks its not a fortune.
She likes surprises, likes me to plan things.
Tomorrow is actually the anniv. The plans are for Saturday. Do I tell her happy A tomorrow, if she doesn't initiate?
Thinking of holding the gift until later in the evening in case it makes her uncomfy.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
don't wait for her to initiate a "Happy Anniversary" but instead, initiate a warm but low expectation contact, like we've mentioned.
The "it's still worth remembering" TYPE of comment (obviously make it a comment that feels authentic for you. But saying "happy Anniversary" to a woman
who is in the home of OM will sound odd, imo.)
OTOH, you two SEEM to be exploring the possibility of rebuilding and she has given you a roadmap.
so doing something, whatever it is, seems like a good idea.
Keep the expecations reasonable, such as just showing her that 1) you guys can still laugh together AND let that
2) allow other funny moments and touching times, to resurface in her. But that only happens without pressure. Let the comedian do the work. And if she does not accept the invite, GO YOURSELF with a buddy.
Mercurio is one of the cleaner comics (b/c he's smart enough not to need the crude easy laughs)
I think the early show makes sense. Don't over imbibe...can you ask someone to join you?
TIPS--FOR LIVE COMEDY
If I recall correctly, the DC Improv is still general admission so you can sit wherever you want.
Do NOT sit in the front row of a live comedy show, where the comedian can see you- UNLESS
you are comfortable with being engaged with the comedian. That is risky if there's anything about your appearance or profession or a long marriage...that is easy to mock.
I've been an audience member who was the subject of lawyer jokes that did NOT bother me---(very funny actually) but would have hurt me IF my h had been there AND IF we were having issues and marriage came up as a topic...but I have seen many couples cringe...
Also, and I say this b/c I do stand up comedy myself and you said you've never been,
do NOT try to "outwit" a comic OR argue with a comedian b/c they said a joke you didn't agree with..and DC is a political town. You won't like every joke or quip...but no one is compelling YOU to respond...
I've never seen an audience member "win" ..ever. They are always humiliated (if not also beaten up by other audience members)
b/c they basically try to be funnier than the comedian or make a joke at the comedian's expense, which does NOT pay off. Ever.
Remember that audiences did not pay to hear another audience member talk; they paid to hear the comedian make jokes. So it's a fast way to be unpopular, ruin a date and maybe get punched in the face or kicked out of the Improv.
Believe me, I've seen it happen too often to count. NOTE I didn't expect you to be a weird problem person, DM.
I'm just telling you this b/c you said you have never gone to live comedy (so glad you are!)
AND b/c a dear friend of mine who is normal in most areas of life, used to go to those shows (before she knew me). The first time I went with her, a night in which I was going to do a set later in the evening, she heckled a comedian. She was tipsy and trying to be funny, I suppose...
I was mortified. The crowd turned on her...FAST. If she'd been a man they would have hit her.
I don't understand why people do this. If I go see the ballet, I don't throw marbles on the stage to see if I can get the dancers to trip, and when I go to a concert, I don't bring my boombox to play something louder...
I've never ever understood the goal of someone interrupting a comedian, unless THEY also want to be funny...in which case I say let them go audition for their own stage time. Alas, I DIGRESS...
Who knows? You may LOVE this and want to do it.
I did a show in 2006 'Dedicated to my STBXH & his MLC"
and it went over really well. H never saw that tape...never will either.
Point is, humor is a salve. Best case scenario is your stomach will ache from laughing.
and that's a good thing. Have fun.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Do NOT sit in the front row of a live comedy show, where the comedian can see you- UNLESS
you are comfortable with being engaged with the comedian. That is risky if there's anything about your appearance or profession or a long marriage...that is easy to mock.
thanks I'd thought of that already.
Wouldn't dare heckle... I do a lot of public speaking in my business and would never be a rude audience:)
I'm thinking tomorrow morning just texting "good morning! Today is a day worth remembering. Hope you have a good one!"
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
W has been quiet this week. Sunday was last conversation that wasn't just terse details. Last week she seemed much more open.
Reassure me that's just normal. I'm Not a mind reader but no, this is not unusual. Our growth, and our paths to reconciliation are NOT linear ones.
We go in spurts and bursts and take backward steps too.
W had counciling appt today. Dying to know how it went, or IF she went. Tell me not to ask her. Be quiet. Stop obsessing. Why aren't you working on YOU and YOUR IC?
Your happiness (or misery) is NOT connected to hers.
Take charge of your life.
IF her car breaks down, does that mean your car breaks down? Does it mean that you win the lottery (b/c she had a bad day and this is a contest)?
No of course not. So let her do her work and you do yours.
The not knowing is a killer. Not knowing WHAT? What does that even mean? This is a self inflicted injury.
Again, you must take charge of your life and
stop tying your hourly or daily happiness and worry to what you think she might be thinking/doing/plannning or feeling. You are responsible for your happiness. Do you get that?
Let go of what you cannot control, which is a lot in life. Focus on what you can control and keep it simple.
Back off and learn to detach...and then do it 100 times MORE than you think is needed.
Brain goes crazy thinking why wouldn't she call and tell me...she did plan to take a friend with her and hang out after...
I guess the topic will come up on Saturday....
Why on earth would she call YOU, after HER counselling?
Come to think of it, I don't believe I ever once called my h after a session...not once. And we reconciled!
I don't get it. You think she slapped her forehead with amazing revelations, all related to either divorce OR reconciling, (b/c those are the only options)
she HAD to share with you then and there?
stop with the wild expecations or YOU will make yourself nuts.
....just read that...made me laugh a little, because my reaction does seem silly now...
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
This day is harder than I thought...anniversary...21 years.
Texted her at 9:18am "Good morning! Today is a day worth remembering. Hope you have a great one! :)"
A "Thanks" would be nice...
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Maybe your message made the day harder for her. Why would she thank you for that, or even respond?
I think it was a nice message, but you should have just said it if that was important to you, not to get a thanks from her. Let it go.
Sorry (((()))) - anniversaries can be very hard. I hope you do something good for yourself today.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
For all the times you've made grief more bearable...
For the times you make joy more wonderful...
For allowing me to share with you in bringing to this world three great kids...
And most of all, for being wonderful YOU...
I just wanted to say...
Thank you,
Love, DM
I put love in Very small print, thank you in big print.
Wish me luck!
Prayers are coveted!
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Writing this down so I can come back to it tonight or tomorrow:
What do I EXPECT from this "date"????
First, I should not expect ANYTHING from her. Though I do have hopes....I need to recognize the difference.
I expect to get a large part of Xmas shopping done, and be agreeable about budget, and do a couple of 180's: take active part in selecting gifts (normally I loiter outside stores) and be the one in line to pay (I'm holding the cash)
I expect to be my best self...kind, loving, and fun. And since we had issue Last night w/S16, understanding and forgiving when that topic comes up.
I expect myself not to bring up OM or living arrangements. If she does it, my line is, you are intelligent and moral woman. I know you can figure it out. If you want ideas I'll think of some.
If she responds negatively to my anniversary overtures (dinner, show, small gift), my line is, I can see why you feel that way. I've always strived to be thoughtful and kind on special days, and I don't plan on stopping that. I'm sorry It makes you uncomfortable.
If we have a great time together, I expect to see it as a baby step, not major earth shattering news. This might be the hardest! Just another step toward her seeing a different me.
I expect to be the new me, which is the me she married. I smell good. I look darn good. I am the best man for this task.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
