The house is for sale. So sad, Family is breaking.

[sandi2]

My thoughts are one of two things could be the reason she doesn't want to be open about her activities, email, phone, etc......and why she will not discuss the A. She is either still having the A (or wanting to continue it), or she still feels very rebelious toward you. Just b/c the therapist thinks it is "time", doesn't mean a thing to your W. If she's not willing to discuss the A, then pushing her only leads to more resentment toward you. The therapist pushed.....and that's why W was finished with her. Frankly, I am surprised she stayed that long.

I want to bring something else to your attention. You need to stop with these on-line quiz taking type of things, b/c it only causes you more frustration and wanting to get her involved. You have brought up more than once about her taking one and not revealing her score and how that is affecting you. Drop that kind of stuff....for your sake and for the sake of the R.

The other thing I see coming up in your post is reference to percentages. When you are on the brink of divorce....IT DOESN'T MEAN SQUAT!! That business of M being 50/50.....forget it. I have seen very few (up close) that even appeared to be equal in their efforts, responsibility, initiating sex, or anything else. In most cases, I believe there is usually one person doing & giving more than his/her 50%. But when you are in the place you're in right now......you can mark it down to nearly 100% being on you. Fair? Well, you can't measure this by a "fairness" measuring stick. None of it will seem fair. But if you're trying to keep your family together, you do what you have to do. After the MR heals, then hopefully things will be more balanced....but as the LBS, you can't expect any positive percentage from her. It's not a good practice to keep any type of score card. And, maybe that was just your way to telling us how things were/are, and if so...that's okay. Just don't go away with it still in your heart.

If I had been in your shoes and opened up, asked for forgiveness (btw, did she say she forgave you?), and cried over the things that caused her pain......yeah, it would have ticked me off when it came her turn and she had nothing to say about herself! I'm not saying you were wrong not to feel upset, I'm just saying if she's not ready or willing....showing her or telling her is not going to help. It puts pressure on her and a WAW does not respond to pressure well at all.

In a way, I know how you feel b/c my H said he hadn't done anything wrong.

"Apologies can mean a lot and maybe then you’ll see the change on your H’s."

Oh, I did apologize! However, by the time I was ready to apologize...he had already forgiven me. B/c you can forgive if you never get an apology. I knew he truly loved me in spite of me cheating.....and he does not hold that over my head (which if he had, we would not have made it)....and that was a very big part of what got us though the storm.


I just think that looking at these things in percentages, etc. makes it more difficult for you to be completely giving....and forgiving.


"She feels like she is in a prison, but she has been free to go whenever she wants and does. Common etiquettes and courtesies should be on her for that."

I'm not sure what you mean by the second statement. Are you saying it is common etiquette to tell you where/what/when about her going out?

The comment she made about feeling in a prison could be a couple of things. She may be referring to the "marriage" being the prison. B/c a WAW wants to feel free of that R that has her tied to a man she doesn't want to be with any longer. The other reason could be b/c a LBH can be very smothering and possessive. If you inquire about her activities, she may be feeling especially sensitive or denfensive. Both of you are sensitive toward her activities.

"A little give and take but when one is stuck it is all give. That’s the program I guess."

Yes, you said what I'm talking about it.

"I think I can get to a point to not hold OM/A over her,"

You must....or the M is doomed.

"I just want honesty, openness and truth."

Of couse! Where once it might have be an "understanding" and maybe part of your wedding vows.....now it is your life line. If she withdraws those two things, the M cannot survive b/c you won't be able to live like that.....and nobody should be expected to live with anything less.

"I want her happy, but yes, with some assurances to me."

Here's the thing Floyd, the more you need assurance from her....the more she feels like you are still holding the A over her head. I can't say I know how you feel, b/c I don't. I've never experienced what it's like to be the LBS. However, I do know about the other side and I'm pretty sure if you push for assurance very much/often......she will tire of it, and by that I mean.....it could be a big turn off! Not just sexually, but in how she sees you as a man. Not knowing her nature, she may have a kind, gentle spirit....but that usually goes by the way-side of a WAW. And I wondering if all the assurances you are needing is why she said she can never be the W you want her to be.

You said something that is rather common with many threads I've read from LBH's. You said it was a big emotional investment. Interesting. So many men want the answer up front before they decide. That's like wanting to know the girl's answer before you ask her.