Hi mrsrjd, the whole wait, breathe, think should be repeated over and over until you are feeling in control enough to make a rational decision. Trust me on that one, I know it's hard, but it's worth it.
Of course you are beside yourself. But the advice is sound. Wait. Breathe. Wait some more.
We've all been there, and we're right here with you now.
Breathe.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Alright. Now that God has given me the sign I prayed for while on my way to my job. That's right. I gave it up to God. I asked for guidance on what the right thing to do here was. I wanted to be absolutely sure I was doing the right thing. The kind thing - by setting the no spooning boundary.
I feel I got an "and then some" response. So my boundary has extended to "get out". And here is my plan. When H returns on Sunday I plan to tell him that I would like him to leave.
He will no doubt ask why. I predict his actual words to be "Don't be ridiculous".
I will tell him that due to his continuing relations with OW that I no longer am willing to live with him. I plan to tell him that he can go quietly with a cover story (for the kids. who prob won't ENTIRELY believe it) that H feels he needs to go be with his parents at this time. Keeping in mind that H LOVES to be in control I am a little concerned that he won't go. I am hoping he'll take me up on the cover story idea and "get" the veiled threat that if he doesn't go quietly I will not cooperate in any "cover story". That this mouse will roar.
BTW, after finding the phone log I went all out Nancy Drew. And I found enough - emails, and fb accounts that I am COMPLETELY confident. I have to get to this point for some reason, can't convict on just "smoke", need to feel the fire itself.
I have a question though. Now that H is for some reason contacting me - texting and phoning- and I DON'T want to talk to him, do just completely ignore the phone? I don't want to appear childish, and I am the one who asked for more contact, so this is a quandary for me. I'm only referring to the next day or so. Once he's home and I give him his marching papers I will have no problem ignoring the phone.
And Snodderly (or anyone else, but Snodderly does seem to have a crystal ball) what do you predict H's reaction will be?
Thank you all for listening.
We might get cold and hungry, but that might be better than this agony.
Hoping for lots of feedback!!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
When you turn things over to God, he will assist you and it appears that he has provided the answers you require to move forward.
When you sit down and have the conversation w/him about leaving, he will deny the existence of the ow. I know mine did for a very long time, even after we were divorced. They don't see anything wrong w/having the ow as a "friend". Unfortuantely, even if it is an EA, it is still an affair because he is sharing is thoughts, etc., w/her and not you. When you have this conversation w/him, speak in a very calm voice, look him in the eye and do not waiver. You have enough evidence to back you up. I may be wrong, but I do think he will put up a little fuss about leaving, but in the end, he will go and may even be relieved.
I think you will find you will have had a heavy load lifted once this takes place. You will find the stressors in your home will lighten up. You will be able to continue working on yourself and won't be worrying about what he's doing all of the time.
If your h texts you in the next couple of days, delay responding, but do find a time in your day to reply. You did request more contact...don't switch up your requests right now. The time to go nc is once you've had your conversation w/him.
Just remember, calm, even tone voice, eye contact and do not waiver when speaking to him. Do you have any idea when you want him to leave? You will need to state when you want that to happen. Set your boundaries and go from there. God will be right there w/you to guide you.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your post was the game plan I had already formulated so it is great to be validated (Although it developed after a few exhilarating and fiery scenes/fantasies - but I can't actually shoot flames from my fingers so they probably wouldn't have worked anyway )
I would like him to go ASAP - can't imagine spending another night in the same bed - and the only other option is the couch... and if "appearances" are to be kept up for the sake of the kids... (Who I am sure know way more than I think they know)
And I agree about the load. Whether its the particulars of our sitch or just my personality, I can't get around him/the issue while we "play house". Man am I terrified about finances!! But other people get through this so I guess I can too.
Bless this board. Sure be lost without it.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Everything will work out in the end. The first few months will be rocky because you will be trying to get your balance back. You'll need to watch your expenses, but you can do this.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Once I told him that he could go, I really wanted him to go that evening, but it took him another 11 days to finally hit the street w/no where to go, but bunked w/some of the guys he worked with. Poor planning on his part because it was the holiday season, but hey...he made his bed when he was tossing out threats of leaving.
Don't worry about where he will live...they tend to have nine lives and will land on their feet. God watches over fools and little children.
Your children know more than you think they do. They see things and can sense that something isn't quite right no matter how hard you try to hide it.
Come here to ask questions or to vent....we are here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I presume he will go to live with his parents. As far as I know ow is still married and I don't know ow-h's policy on live in paramours. But I hadn't given a penny's worth of worry to him quite honestly. He has family.
I have none.
(Except my/our 4, but I hope NOT to turn to them for comfort.)
Thanks for the attention.....!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Hang in there. You have ample time to work out how your are going to broach the subject w/him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
M, I am so very sorry that you found out the information as I know how hurtful it is. But, if it provided clarity for you, then it is helpful.
Snodderly, as usual, gave you all the right advice. If you plan on telling him what you know, he will try to turn it around on you. He will get angry and accuse you of snooping. Dont let it throw you.
Calm, resolute, and strong is key here. My quess is he wont leave right away although there is the possibility of him storming out.
No matter, you will be ok. If there is the possibility of him going on a gambling binge, it might be necessary for you to take steps to protect your money.
When you are ready in the next week, try to see a lawyer. Most allow for a free consultation. Have questions written down.
But for now, take good care. As Snodderly said, initially you will feel all sorts of things - anger, sadness, fear. But then you will feel a certain calm.
Trust me on that one, I know it's hard, but it's worth it.
