Thanks snodderly and mrsrjd! Of course NOW understand the impact of what I have done with the profile. I did remove the profile last night after we finished talking. I did not actually think through the bigger picture. I'm not sure what pieces I can pick up at this point. I feel I've made such a big mistake that I've probably ruined all option of us ever getting back together and she's lost all trust in me. I guess I deserve this very uneasy feeling right now.
I think I should have posted something here before I posted on match. Then I'm sure there would have been a lot of good insight and I probably would have thought more about it before I haphazardly did something so foolish.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
What you did might not have been the BEST thing, but you are allowed to make the occasional mistake! Don't fall into the trap of thinking that there is some magic formula for you that will result in a reunion. There just isn't. Try to remember that this MLC sitch IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL.
YOU can't say you have
Quote:
ruined all option of us ever getting back together
because its NOT up to you or your actions. Its up to her.
So you made a mistake. You apologized. You remedied. Move on to other Sam-centric ideas.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Yesterday my W and I had our session with the mediator. I think I see a new side to the selfishness that I have never experienced. My W was completely concerned about the money she is making from the sale of some of her stocks and a bonus. At one point she became extremely adamant about the stocks that she would receive in March next year. She said at one point that if she had to split the stock 50/50 with me that she would in fact consider a divorce. She does not think that splitting her bonus/stocks is fair since we are separated (her decision). The state we live in has a 50/50 split of assets and she is extremely upset about the way the state splits assets. I agreed that we could split it 60/40 instead. The mediator said that even if we filed for divorce today, that the backlog for getting it through court would still make her split the assets and he was not sure what the judge would award.
The other interesting thing she said was that if she wanted to date while we are separated that she does not feel that she needs to tell me that she’s dating. Only if it got to the point that she is intimate with someone. I find this statement totally contradictory to her reaction the other night after she accused me of “dating” after I posted a profile on match.com.
As we were leaving my W was asking if I would still watch her dog when she went on her next business trip and if I would still let her come over and visit the other dogs. I said I would watch the dog, but I needed to think about her coming to the house daily to see the other dogs/cats.
I also said that I had never seen her act like this and was completely startled about how she was acting about the money. She said that she earned the money and it should be hers even if we were separated. She then went on to say that she would give it all up??? She did not provide any explaination as to why. She just kept saying that the money was hers, she earned it and it should be hers and I was being unfair asking for it. Which by the way I did not ask for the state says I’m entitled to it since we are married. We left it at that.
Today she calls and apologizes for the way she thought she had acted during the session. We talked a little and she said we had not really talked about our relationship a lot since we separated. I said that was her choice since she wanted to work on her issues. I said that us having a discussion usually escalated to you said/I said and we never really accomplished much and the only way I could see around that would be to get MC together. I know…I know I'm not supposed to do that, but I felt this was what she was pushing for with our conversation. She said she was going to IC to discuss everything and she was still 99% sure she wants a divorce. I said I can’t make the decision for her. The funny thing is that I almost feel at peace if she decides to leave, since I've been in such a turnmoil. I think my heart will be at ease.
I did say at the end of our conversation and I truly mean it that I hope she finds peace in her heart, joy and true happiness. With her being in a MLC I’m not sure she can find any of these right now.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
The mlc'er is very selfish and controlling about...well, just about everything, but especially money it seems. From what I've read here, there and elsewhere, whether male or female, they are in survival mode and money is a huge symbol of survival in society.
They do like to have us around right where they left us. Strange, since they seem to not be able to get away from us fast enough. That may explain the difference in her wanting to date versus her reaction to your match profile. And about the dogs.
I understand about the wondering if life would be easier some way if she left, I have an in-house mlc'er and often I've wondered if it would be easier if she were out of the house...from what I have read there are advantages and disadvantages to both scenarios.
Believe none of what they say, half of what they do is the mantra here. They are scared and not thinking rationally right now. FWIW, my W was 99% sure she was done and wanted out a year ago, she is still here and peeking out of the tunnel. You just don't know where this ride is going to go.
What are you doing for YOU?
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm not sure where I am....I must be on another planet, at least that’s the way I feel. I guess this is because I've been having a few bad days.
My W left for overseas Thursday. The only interaction we've had since we went to the mediator on Saturday was a call the next day to say she was sorry for the way I thought she acted. She also went on to say that we were not talking about our relationship, which is her decision. She sent a couple of texts on Monday about withdrawing money from the joint account for Christmas shopping and asking if she could drop off her dog a day early for me to watch while she travels. I responded that I would take her dog and alls I got back was OK, no thank you. Just before her flight I got a “Thanks” for taking care of the dog. I responded to her to have a safe flight and productive week. I really don’t know what else to say to her anymore. She’s seems to be doing a NC with me unless she wants something.
She gets to her destination yesterday and I get nothing to say that she’s made it to her destination, but I did see a post on Facebook that says, “I made It”. This morning when I got up she had taken a picture of some flowers and I did click “Like”, but left no comments. I’m trying to detach and this is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m not sure why she has now cut me off almost completely, but that’s in her mind.
When she gets back, I’ll be leaving the following week to spend Christmas with my family the following week. She doesn’t want to spend it with me. She will be taking care of all of the animals and stay at the house while I’m gone. She also is saying she wants to be in the house and having her family over to celebrate Christmas. I can say that Thanksgiving was hard and I’m not sure how I am going to survive Christmas. I feel so abandoned. Any advise, because this really isn’t a lot of fun.
T^2 – I am still working on detaching. I’m also continuing to read, re-read DBing and several other books. I’m meeting friends for dinner and activities. I was telling a friend the other day that my W insisted on going to the mediator for a legal separation because I had posted a profile on match.com. She said it seems that when I’m moving on, my W gets upset and reacts with some type of escalation to make her feel better and hurt me more.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
sam, The strange behavior of your wife is called the dance of the distancer/pursuer. Whenever you begin to move on, she will do something to draw you right back in. She expects you to be right where she left you. She still loves you, but the love is stuffed down really low within her soul right now. She's keeping you at arm's length and yet, she wants you close enough in case she needs something. You will need to think about setting some boundaries in place.
If I were you, I wouldn't respond to any more of her face book photos or comments she makes there for a while. She's asked for space and most likely may not like the idea of you going there and hitting the "like" button. It looks like pursuit in her eyes.
The holidays are going to be difficult, but you will get through them. You will be w/your family and please allow their support and love to surround you like a warm blanket. Even though she has plans for the holidays, she will be thinking about what she had w/you this time last year. The memories don't go away...they will spew fortha and it takes a lot of work to continue to stuff them down.
My question to you is this...what are you doing for yourself?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would also suggest that if your W is going to spend time at the house while you're away I would take any R books you have and hide them. If she sees them she would more than likely view them as pursuit.
The DB books are the LBS's "play books" so to speak. You do not want them falling into her hands as then she'll know what you're doing and it might not be as effective.
Make sure your computer is locked out, too. You don't want her to know about this site.
Sam, I totally agree w/seeking answers. Lock the books up, password your computer and be sure to put your financial stuff in a safe place if she is going to be staying at your house. During a crisis, you can't trust your spouse to do the right things.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks SA and Snodderly, I had already started to "cleanse" the house. I don't think she'd snoop, but during the MLC I can see that she would do things I would have never expected. I also have no control over who she allows in the house while I'm away and there is a very real possibility that someone else may may snoop.
I’m also struggling to figure out what to do for the holidays. Do I buy my W a gift or keep with the detachment (I’m not sure it’s really detachment since she’s not speaking to me at all) and leave her a simple gift under the tree or just leave a card? I’ve always bought her nice things that she’s wanted for Christmas. For the last few years she’s been quite vocal on what she wants for Christmas and the price doesn’t matter. She’s always said she has a hard time picking out anything for me. I always tried mentioning things that would be nice, but she seems to always “forget” those suggestions. So back to the original question, gift – no gift or just a simple well meaning (non pursuing) card?
Thanks!
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
I would get her a very simple, non-personal gift as well as a very simple card.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
