Very sad to be here but H says he is leaving

[littleGTO]

Great DBing, brokenhearted! Let H pursue you!

And, the whole thing about him telling you he cancelled his hunting trip to be w D...is he looking for brownie points from you? I'm guessing so!

I have to say, I'm quite impressed how u are handling the news about the OW in the pict! I like your attitude about taking the higher road and not letting H's actions pull you down to his level! You sound like you have yourself so together even among all the chaos of your sitch.

OUr sitchs are similar so I can really relate to what you are going through. I don't feel nearly as strong as you sound--so u (and Sweet) are my inspirations!

[brokenheart71]

Oh, I have had my moments of obsessing and crazyness - I woke up at 2:30 this morning thinking about him/her. But I really am trying to make the choice not to let that control my emotion and my life. I have sort of come to the conclusion that if this is the "real" him then I am probably better off without him. And if the "old" h comes back into the picture Then we can work on things. But I don't have any control over it and either way, I don't want to end up as some bitter mean woman. Wouldn't it be ironic if he ever "came to his senses" but by then I was such an unpleasant person it still couldn't work. But more importantly I want to stay true to myself for myself.

[brokenheart71]

He called up to me when he was leaving. I went down, we visited for about 10 minutes. Pretty relaxed and we laughed a fair amount. He also asked if I've lost weight, I just kind of shrugged and he said " we'll you look like you've lost weight". I have lost close to 15 lbs since BD and compliments on my appearance have always been infrequent but I won't let it get my hopes up - just enjoyed it as a pleasant moment.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi BH71,

I woke up at 2:30 this morning thinking about him/her. But I really am trying to make the choice not to let that control my emotion and my life.

Good for you! I know this is tough, but you can do it.

I have sort of come to the conclusion that if this is the "real" him then I am probably better off without him. And if the "old" h comes back into the picture Then we can work on things.

This is NOT the real him. This is him in fantasy land. The real him is the one who loved you all those years.

But I don't have any control over it and either way, I don't want to end up as some bitter mean woman. Wouldn't it be ironic if he ever "came to his senses" but by then I was such an unpleasant person it still couldn't work. But more importantly I want to stay true to myself for myself.

The fact that you're here posting about it leads me to believe you will not allow his actions to make you bitter or mean. Bust On!

[brokenheart71]

Just trying to keep up my resolve from last night. Will be detaching and GAL-ing today but saw H this am and will see him at d's game. It also seems that each day brings more painful info. Looks like OW has been in the picture longer than I thought and things are more serious than I thought (it seems she stays with him with her kids). So I wonder a little if it is like ripping off a band aide and I should just how long this has been going on (like if it was long before BD) I am trying to ask myself if it makes a difference and the answer is maybe. I'll need t think about it longer but wonder if I could ever forgive him if he started R with OW while we were married (ie - still living together). It seems to big a bigger deal to me.

Oh well. Really I know that if/when we ever talk about our R I will have to try really hard to listen and not talk. Validate and not scold him. I really want to point our all his mistakes but know I need not to.

[brokenheart71]

ps - thanks FY and turtle girls for the words of encouragement!

[brokenheart71]

Had a great time going out with my girlfriends last night to celebrate birthdays for me and a friend. H did come to D's game. We talked after (she went home with my mom). I did ask him to please start being truthful with me. That I have two big issues. 1) finances - he keeps saying everything is fine. I took responsibility for not being more involved with finances during M, and now I am really nervous about how we are making ends meet. He said again, that he would get info together for me. 2) I said it was really hard to process what was happening and try to heal and move on when he kept lying to me. It makes it worse when I hear new thing about him and OW, especially from our kids. He admitted that having them with her was a mistake and apologized. I asked that he not do that again. I also asked how long they have been together. He said only 3 weeks. He had met her over the summer but not talked to her for months and then saw her again about 3 weeks ago and went to dinner. He said he had wanted to wait until after the holidays to tell me.
I felt ok after the conversation and had a good time out with friends (got sad a couple times when I heard some songs that reminded me of him but mostly it was all good).
But then my lake of sleep got to me. Awake at 4am I starting looking at Facebook on my phone and found where he had been tagged in photos with her back on Nov 1. There were other people in it and it was from the event over the summer. I had seen them at the time and wondered why someone (I still can't see who posted it - I'm not great at figuring that out but it's not listed by the photos like it normally is) would post it so long after the event. So then my mind was racing, figuring things had been obviously going on longer than 3 weeks, maybe I should call her h and ask if he wants to compare notes or what their sitch is. I thought of many nasty things i want to say to him. Later in the morning I took my girls to a holiday 5 k run (their 1st). On the way I totally calmed down and was reminded why it is probably good that he has moved out. I am back to a more normal state of mind and thankfull I didn't talk to him this morning. The girls and I have had a great day, and I will just enjoy that.
I'm thinking going to the bank and calling credit card companies to get print out of statements for the last few months. All our accounts are online and I don't have access to them. I need to get a handle on that info for my own peace of mind. There is also a little part of me that now wonders if he meant that he wanted to wait until after the holidays to file for legal sep or D. I am also wondering if I should at least do a consult with a L just to be prepared for the worst. By the way, I am pretty sure that things would tip in my favor financially if there are any kind of court orders. He has a much more expensive lifestyle than I do - I'm very certain he is currently spending more money than the kids and I combined. I'm repeating to my self. " let him live his life, make his choices and live with the consequences - concentrate on taking care of me and the kids"

[brokenheart71]

I swear I don't realize how long my posts are until after I've hit submit.

[brokenheart71]

Met with h today to discuss finances. He still seems generous as far as money (I have been SAHM for 12 years) and he shared log in info for our accounts. We discussed each using a separate credit card for spending as a way to track it and set a budget. Later I called him and asked if it would just be easier to take the income, subtract out set expenses (mortgage, rent, utilities etc) then sit what's left. I suggested a 60 40 split in my favor since I still have the girls more of the time and his company pays for a lot of his dinning and entertainment. He agreed

He also suggested that he spend Christmas with us. I asked what he meant. He asked our plans. I said mass Christmas Eve then dinner and celebrating (which includes opening gifts) with my family. He said he would like to be a part of all of it and stay at our house on Christmas Eve. I told him I would think about it. He gotta little annoyed and said "we'll what else am I going to do?). I said again I would think about it, that I liked the idea of giving the girls one more "normal" Christmas but worried if that sent them a mixed message. So I'm looking for opinions on how to handle Christmas - I know my family will be very uncomfortable having him there.
We talked some about the girls and how they are handling it but nothing very different or interesting. He did apologize for "hurting me" and not handling this well. I asked if there was more he wanted to talk about but he said no, he's already told me how he feels.