Very sad to be here but H says he is leaving

[brokenheart71]

update
My suspicion about OW (from last Friday) has been confirmed. Trying not to overreact. But do feel sick to my stomach. I'm especially angry that while he complains about time with our kids, the one night he saw them last week he took them to an event with her and her kids.
I am expecting a call from him in a couple hours about plans for this weekend. Hoping to handle it well. I guess I shouldn't even mention anything to him. But I would like to suggest not to spend time with her when he has them. Is that out of line?
Thanks for any input.

[brokenheart71]

Specifically I wondering if I even let him know that I know (he had said he was not planning on dating during separation and would tell me if he changed his mind - but has told me anything)? Do I acknowledge it and appear indifferent, let him know I am disapointed but not devastated? Ask him not to bring our kids around her (I know I can't demand it but should I request it)?
I'm a bundle of emotion but trying to stay calm.

[brokenheart71]

just bumping up for some possible input

[longrun]

I can well relate to your feelings. Once you know the spouse has started a PA a painful new stage has been reached. Don't talk about it with your H. Just ignore her. Even ignore if he introduces your kids to her, as hard as it may sound. For your kids you will always be the best and only mother. Don't try to suppress the pain but don't nurture it either. Try to GAL as much as possible. Treat yourself as well as you can. All the best and take care.

[littleGTO]

Hi, again, brokenhearted,

I did ask earlier in your thread about a possible OW...too many signs that indicate there may have been one.

YOur H is trying to balance this other "fantasy" life he is living w OW w his "new family" life w Ds. And, it's an impossible task.

How did you confirm his involvement? Is it an EA? or PA? Either way is painful for you. I know first hand.

I disagree w longrun and WOULD address H introducing your Ds to OW and involving them in activities w her. I would absolutely set boundaries about this. NO OW W Ds present! You should have every right to state your feelings about this w H.

Also, as long as this affair is a "secret" it will keep and maintain the excitement for H...when he knows he's been caught, it will lose some of that for him. And guilt may set in, if it hasn't already.

I believe it is BETTER to have things out in the open...not all the dirty little details, but just what you feel you NEED to know. And, then your boundaries surrounding his time w your Ds not including HER. Sooner, than later, I say.

[brokenheart71]

Thanks for the advice. when i spoke to him yesterday about upcoming plans - again my kids don't want to go stay with him - he was unhappy about that and I said something like "I'm am going to tell you this because I love the girls and know that in the long term it is really beneficial for them to have a relationship with you, but in the short term you really need to make them a priority for them to want to spend more time with you" He reacted angrily with "What are you talking about?" I pointed out about three things he has promised/told them about and then either backed out or just not shown up (to Ds games). He argued that he had good reasons to miss the games (one of which I know is not true). I said that I am trying to encourage them to spend time with him but when he lets them down it is hard - he said he didn't think I encouraged them. So I said "last Friday I packed their bags, i talked about how much fun the light show would be, showed them the newspaper that had photos of the show. Then when they come home they tell me that you were paying more attention to other people. Don't take them on your dates." He backpedaled and immediately said that he is not dating and there were lots of people at the show. The discussion continued with him still denying dating but also telling me a couple other things I know aren't true.

Turtlegirl - not sure if it is PA but assume so. He was showing pictures of "his new girlfriend" one night at the bar at the tennis club where we both play. Not sure how stupid e thinks I am or if had drank so much that he doesn't remember doing it. I also did a little snooping (I know not DB style) and he unfriended OW's husband between Saturday night and and Tuesday morning.

Maybe it is because I only slept a few hours last night but I actually feel fairly calm about it this morning. I won't bring up OW again, unless he has our Ds around her again. The flat out lying has me more concerned right now. I am getting nervous about our finances (he keeps assuring me that we are "just fine") but still hasn't produced and of the paperwork. I am also worried about his drinking. Partly for him but mostly where it concerns our kids - I just can't trust him right now and don't want him to do something stupid when he has them.

[JuneReN]

Hey BH, just caught up on your sitch and we have some similarities. I asked and asked and asked; he denied and denied and denied. When I said I found hairs in your bathroom, he actually got kind of mad at me and confessed he was seeing someone. I sad "Do you want a divorce?" He said my feelings haven't changed. I asked that he not tell the children or introduce her to them.

S16 overheard a convo I had and knows H is seeing someone. I told H that he knows and S16's response to H was "I ddidn't expect you guys never to see anyone else." But he was hurt because he knew I was hurt.

Now, your D's are younger and you are right. The boundary is: no OW, no OWs kids. If you say you are coming then you are coming, unless you are dead. Otherwise do not make plans. My advice is to say the Ds love you very much and they are having a little trouble adjusting to you being in a new place. They are young and will want to stay with you at some point, but that point is not now. I will continue to encourage them to see you and maybe you would like an extra day to make up for the loss of overnight? something in that vein.

Also, when he says he has kids, get out of house. Say "great, I will see you all at six then." I like to make sure H knows I am not the babysitting service. Of course, mine are older, so he can just drop them off if need be, but right now, he has teensy studio apt. and kids really don't want to be there esp. S16. D13 still goes, it is a novelty to "go to the city" and truth be told, she gets dinner out etc. so it is working for her!!

I have also asked kids not to discuss me with H if H asks. They can discuss me if they want to bring it up and they can say anything they want about what goes on here. H told D "what happens at Dad's, stays at Dad's". (after I found out about OW lol).

Just some of my boundaries and my thoughts. He is also welcome in our (my) house, but only downstairs. Bedrooms are off limits, unless I am here and he is fixing something.

Works for me and these make me feel safe and in control of MY life. Find out what works for you. Try your hardest to take H out of this equation when figuring it out. I know it doesn't always work, but if you can ask "Why do I want that?" and get some truth out of it, you are better off!


(())

RT

[brokenheart71]

Ok - trying to repeat the serenity prayer today and remember that I have no control over H. While finding out about OW is not pleasant I know there is nothing I can do. It is something that will have to run its course without any interference from me - if on the odd chance that they stay together long term then fine, I guess they deserve each other. I do want to use the opportunity to "be the better person". Really, I don't want to let H's antics change who I am - I am kind, generous, and classy - I don't want to turn into some stark raving mad B1tch. I won't let him do that to me.
However, I don't know if I can welcome him in my house at this point. I know that I can't trust anything he says. I can be polite and confident in his presence but I'm not sure for how long at a time I can keep that up.
I'm still struggling with dealing with kids' relationship with him. I am thinking I should look into a C for them but not sure where to start with that - how do you pick someone?
Thanks to everyone on here - I do realize that I will get through this.

[JuneReN]

Remember- believe none of what they say and only half of what they do. This I repeat a LOT and the serenity prayer (which I have changed to include a thou shall not kill clause)

[brokenheart71]

We talked yesterday. He kept asking if I had something to say, I finally said I don't really because I no longer have can believe what he says. I pointed out many of the inconsistencies, he disputed some but not about OW. I will not bring it up again, hoping maybe some of the excitement will be gone since its not a secret. I also said that I hoped he would find what he was looking forsnd it would make him happy but I was afraid it would come at the kids' expense. I said again that he can't keep letting them down.
Had a busy/fun day but didn't sleep well last night. Older went with H tonight (other d at a friends). He even took her to church tonight (he hasn't been in at least 3 months). And said he cancelled his planned hunting trip so he could go to DS game tomorrow. I was just hanging out and picking up a little because it is going to be a very busy weekend. Then h calls and asks if they can come back here to play some games (she had told me that is what she would like to do with him). I was pleasant but came upstairs fairly shortly after hey got here. Now d comes up and asked me to join them. I said I was putting away laundry and she she go play with her dad, she said he's the one who sent her to ask me. Not sure what to make of it or what to do. For now I'm going to stay upstairs.