He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

So many responses and questions! Thank you!

Let's start with Chatterbug...

So how is your measuring on what is working vs not working going?

Not that well. I'm too emotionally invested and I'm down because it seems like nothing is working.

How long are you in this aspect of the plan now ? I think you said you would give it three months.

Denver said "Love him for 3 months". I think I got to 2 months of that strategy.

So let the ebb and flow of these talks take on the ebb aspect. Take a break.

Not a bad idea except I'm paying to see a therapist and I feel like the money's being wasted if no one is doing anything after these sessions. Not for lack of trying on my part. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Now I don't want to try at all.

I think you are feeling guilty about the self because you have always failed your marriage and commitments when you go down that path

Actually, that's not true. I was married for 8 years before OM1 came along. I did just fine with living my own life within the M. I feel guilty now because the family is so fragile and I feel like I have to spend a lot of time with the kids.

Wendylon -

Are you still giving him back rubs? You haven't mentioned POW in a while. I think there is positive movement in your sitch but I think your (understandable) impatience might be slowing things down

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No more back rubs for the time being. I don't want to and he doesn't seem to want it either. Haven't mentioned POW because she hasn't come up, and I'm not snooping because I don't want to make things worse for myself. This is a case where ignorance is definitely bliss. I do not want to know.

My impatience probably is slowing things down. Certainly it's pursuing as you said, and H has made it clear that he needs his own "space." I think if he wants space, he should get an apartment. I am feeling more ready to give him all the space he wants - permanently.

What was your H like at his best?

Great question. He can be a very loving, generous man. Smart and funny, engaged in what's going on in the world. Great dad. Fun to be around. Definitely brought out the more spontaneous side of me and has encouraged me to lighten up about stuff. He was pretty much there for me emotionally when I was going through all that cancer stuff (almost 7 years ago now).

I'd say it's possible for us to get back to that point, but it would involve a lot of work on HIS part. He is too depressed now and is not that person anymore. I'm not saying it wouldn't take work on my part too, it would, but he's not willing to do the work at this point, so that's a problem.

Rubytuesday-

You are allowing him to continue. Stop. One of two things will happen, he will say that R is not for him or he will realize you are not going to play this role anymore.

You are allowed to be happy, you just won't let yourself. It is time to forgive yourself, okay?

Thank you. I know it's time to push back. My IC has been encouraging me but I haven't been ready. Now I'm feeling ready to gently push back, because I finally know that if he responds by walking out, I'll be ok with it. Sick of being a doormat.

Finally, Mach 1 -

What do you want your epitaph to say ?

Another great question. Tough one too.

1. Genuine
2. Thoughtful
3. Warm
4. Cares about others
5. Good friend
6. Great mother
7. Inspiring
8. Can count on her
9. A good listener
10. Fun to be with

(some of these aren't exactly epitaph material, but you get it. This is who I want to be.)

I got a call scheduled with a coach - Tuesday is when we talk. I hope it will help. I also got a few books from the library today - one on empathy, one on happiness, one was The Dance of Connection and I forget the 4th. Plenty to work on.