My wife wants to separate

[SM34]

My wife and I met when she was 17 and I was 20. I was a college student and I met her online while she was in her senior year of high school. We hit it off and become boyfriend and girlfriend from our second date.

We were together for 7 years before we finally got married. There were several times during that period where she was going to end the relationship but we always patched things up and moved on. We are very close and I consider her my best friend. In fact she is really my only true friend because everyone else seems to want someone from me.

Her parents love me and think I am the best thing that has happened to her. I got a double bachelors in Computer Sciene and Engineering, and I did 1.5 years of an MBA and unfortunately did not finish it. I started a business right out of college and really assumed financial responsibility for my wife since the very beginning. My business grew over the years and so we bought a house together and got married and had a beautiful wedding. She got to choose everything she wanted for the wedding!

2 years after we got married, we had a little baby girl. Things were great except that the economy had started to take a toll on my business. I also had a partner who turned into a drug addict and for 7 years of the 12 years the business has been running, he was a drain on me physically, emotionally, and financially. My wife always told me to get him out but I never could. He was my best friend at the time and me and him were close. I kept giving him a second chance...thats the type of person I am.

Anyway, 2010 and 2011 were really tough for us financially. We still continued to act like everything was going to be fine and I sheltered my wife from the worry I was in. She is a stay at home mom and I really wanted things to be perfect for her to she could focus on raising our kids.

6 months ago, it started to get unbearable with my business partner. So, one day when he hadn't showed up to work for a few weeks and wasnt answering my calls, I finally told him either he gets out or I get out. He chose to take some money and leave the business. This was going to be a turning point for my wife and I, at least that is what I told myself and her. I had been working non stop for the last few years, 6 days a week and money was not enough to support the life style we had gotten used to.... a nice house, two brand new leased cars (business tax write off) and vacations several times a year. Life become about working, and trying to tighten the belt on the budget so we can get by. In the last six months after my partner has gotten out, it has not gotten much better.

I was so stressed out that my sex drive plummeted and I was in a constant state of anxiety and worry. I should have gotten some help at that point. I continued to think life is about to get better because this or that was about to happen at work. Amidst all of this, my wife has been neglected. We were not as intimate as we used to be, and it made her feel insecure. She told me about it several times, but I am not sure why it never registered as something I could fix. To me the fix was making more money so life could be good again like it used to be. then I would be happy and sex would be great again.

So at some point about 2 weeks ago my wife started chatting on facebook and messages on her phone with an old friend. he is actually her best friend's husbands brother. Anyway, it seems she confided in him that our sex life was not so great and he being a single guy, started praying on that vulnerability. He started telling her how beautiful she is, and that he has had a crush on her since he met her 3 years ago. He lives 1.5 hours away so we havent seen him since his brothers wedding that we attended 3 years ago.

After talking with him for just 4 days, my wife confronted me and said 'There is someone else'. I broke down and did everything I now know i should not have done. My wife was always attracted to my confidence and now I was crying and begging her to stay and give me a chance. She said me and this guy havent been physical but he makes me feel so good! He is just like you but only he makes me feel pretty and wanted. I tried to tell her he is single and needs someone, but she was saying its too late, I have told you about this many times recently and you have done nothing.

Then she had an intervention with her best friend (this guy's sister in law) and of course she came back saying that her friends think there is no need to think about anything and that if she was unhappy and this guy makes her happy she should pursue it. i wish people who are not licensed counselors would keep their mouth shut! Her mother and I begged her to hold off until we could see a marriage therapist and I quickly made an appointment with a GP and got anti depressant (Welbutrin because it helps with sex drive) and ordered a full blood test to check testosterone. The results were going to take a few days.

My wife insisted she had to go see this guy. There was nothing I could do but beg her not to make a big mistake. But she went anyway. I stayed home with our 3 year old! After the baby was in bed my research led me to this site. It is now exactly 11 days since the bomb. She has been to see him and stayed the night 3 times and the rest of the nights she has spent here in our house with me and my daughter. She sleeps in another room. We still get along really well and i have been DBing as much as possible.

She has been to see her therapist on her own accord. I did not force her. She also made an appointment for marriage counseling but the recommended person (by her therapist) is not available until after new year (Jan 8th). So we have one month to go! In the meantime, she has gone one more time to spend the night with this guy.

Now, I think she is very happy to have a guy who makes her feel good about herself as I had been neglecting that. But, I also know he is not really her type as far as looks go, and also he really cannot afford her. He told her he would get a second job if he had to.

She is now realizing I think how much of a hassle it is to drive 1.5 hours to see him. She is a wonderful mother and does not want to miss any time with our daughter so she leaves after she is in bed, and then I wake up and take her to daycare, then my wife is back by 12.30 in the afternoon to pick her up and take her home. she then spends maybe 2 or 3 nights with us and then goes to see him again.

Although she said we should get divorced during our initial confrontation when she dropped the bomb, she has not mentioned it again. She knows she has a wonderful life and a great husband and baby, but this guy is pushing the right buttons!! They text all day long while I am trying to act cool and confident. I know she will realize sooner or later this guy is a loser (he has a crappy job and has to pay child support for a 12 year old son he has). He does not have the ability to pay for her for anything.

So now today is Friday night, and my mother in law offered to take the baby for the night because she is trying to help me save my marriage. I told me wife I wanted to make dinner because I am an awesome cook and she loves that about me. The OM is not at all domestic i have discovered. So I am trying to show my strengths and contrast them with his weaknesses ....I can cook he cant. I am smart and me and her like to talk politics and he really doesnt know anything about politics and would rather play video games all night...lame.

Am I going too far? Should be backing off? I know my wife has always felt she got into a relationship too early because she was in high school, so i think she suffers from the grass is greener syndrome. She will realize at some point it is not, but i cant wait! i want my wife back. I want my family back. I can't stand that this guy is getting so much attention from my life partner!

What do i do?