I have some things coming up this weekend that is starting to cause anxiety for me.
I guess to start. I'm not a "shoot from the hip girl". My whole career is about foresight.. seeing potential problems and outcomes and having gameplans for everything.
It makes me d@mn good at my job.. it sometimes makes me a stressball in life. I'm learning how to let go and just roll with the punches but when you have spent so much time living in fear, you become avoidant vs. confident.
Anyway. I think it's going to be a challenging weekend. Here's why.
Friday: I've been invited to a birthday party this evening. X was invited as well. I am not fearful that she will be there. It would be highly unlikely as this guy was technically my friend. Seriously, if she came... I would almost guarantee this would be to see if I came.
.. but it will be the first time that I will be spending quality time with old friends. I still kept some of my old friends from when I was married.. but I have created ALOT of new friendships...
I don't believe I have distanced myself purposefully.. only that life has distanced us.
I'm not worried about the questions or whatever.. I've always spoken highly/kindly of x....
... but I am worried about the pain. The awkwardness of dipping back into an old life.
Saturday: I'm officially a bridesmaid! First time ever.. and tomorrow we are looking for dresses. That's one's pretty self explanatory.
Sunday: My 2nd annual fundraiser. I started this fundraiser last year as a GAL activity for the holidays. My x asked to be involved last year - but backed out. (She introduced me to the organization and us adopting a family was probably one of our most joyous memories together).
It's not so much that I will be reminded of that memory.. it's actually more that I struggle with the NC part of it. We've already hit 30 kids and more donations are coming in.
There is a part of me that would love to call her and say "I wanted to share this with you.. and say thanks for planting a seed in me for this.. look at what that seed has become".
But I'm not ready yet.. not detached enough.
Sometimes I wonder though if we continue this dance because that is how x's are suppose to dance with one another.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just do it.. and deal with the consequences later.. lol.
But I've grown a little bit.. and as much this hurts.. I continue to hope the NC is best for my personal healing.
So that's what I'm worried about. I'm still gonna do it all and GAL my weekend. My mindset/plan of attack is simple.....
... sometimes.. it's not all about me! And I need to keep that in the foreground of my mind.
This weekend is about people I love... no matter if they are old friends or new friends.. or organizations.
Plus someone that I am interested in is coming to the fundraiser... and I have bought a fantastic outfit to dress to impress.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
