Dating Issues - Seeking ladies (and men's) advice

[Valeska19]

Whoa, whoa...okay, I've opened a can of worms here. This is an open forum, isn't it? That's why I'm here throwing out my ideas and options. If I were actually self-absorbed, I would have gone ahead with my "plans" on my own, and NOT have come here, or seek advice from friends/family (I currently still am).

I don't think you opened a can of worms. I don't think anyone of us called you self absorbed.. where did you get this from?

Do you feel like we are attacking you? I'm asking sincerely.

- How would your ex know that you're still available in the future, if they chose to do so? We assume that they will if they're ready and/or want to, but are we forgetting that there's such a thing as shame or embarrassment? Not everyone in the world has gone through DB/DR, so it's quite possible and natural for your ex (when they've come to their senses) chooses NOT to contact you because they're ashamed of initiating contact with you in the first place. So both of you go on with life, and let a golden opportunity slip you by, no thanks to a simple ego flaw!

I dont forget there is shame and embarrassment... but I also feel it is their responsibilities to overcome their issues....

... not that you can't assist in that.. but if you have never closed the door - and they still don't come in... well that's all you can really do right?

Can't you see how much you are trying to control the outcome? How you think if you do x, she will do y?

I get being analytical.. I am too.. but becareful when it comes to using it as an excuse.

Look up caretaking vs. caregiving. You might have your mind blown.

- Why are we saying that the standard reaction from the ex would be to pull away if we even try to do SOMETHING? Do psychological/behavioral studies support this unanimously? That's why I brought up in one of my previous posts asking if there's also a difference in reaction between married couples, dating couples, long-term or short-term. And yes, I believe it does matter, which brings me to my next question...

I dont think it does. I've recently had my best friend tell me that he has started to develop feelings from me. We've been friends for 2 yrs.

I don't feel the same.. so because of this new info I know perceive everything different. Every time he txts, i think it's pursuit. I have no idea if it's actually true.. but I instantly want to put distance between us.

I find it unattractive, I find it needy.

I fight this because it was not so long ago that I was on the other side... so I know that its my perception and mind-reading of the interactions....

... and that for all I know he could still just being friendly.

But I do believe that interactions that make us uncomfortably, we tend to run away from vs. deal with.

- Are you advising me (or anyone else) no contact, no nothing, because it's just easier to say no? Is this fear-based reasoning? I mean, we are told "Don't drink and drive." The underlying message is if you drink and drive and get in an accident you'll die or kill others. But yet, in certain circumstances it's okay to do so, e.g. drinking a tiny sip of wine, or depending on our alcohol tolerance (that's why we only get in trouble if we fail the breathalyzer test, which also has a certain limit), etc. "No" is to keep us safe, to keep us out of trouble. It's used because it's assumed that we're immature and irresponsible.

I agree with Mr. Bond's answer...

except what do you mean "easier" to say no..

I don't think letting someone go lovingly is easy at all. Staying focused on our own needs is easier... and that's NOT calling you self-absorbed.

I don't believe NC has to be forever (although in some cases it happens). It's meant to give space, allow emotions to settle, heal.. etc.

But you know all this right??