Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

I cannot understand myself sometimes. I really am a roller coaster of emotions within myself. I have such great weeks and weekends and then whoosh...a wave of sadness comes over and it has lasted many days now.

I have tried to pinpoint what has caused it..like I said in an earlier post...whether its the text he sent being nice or maybe his upcoming trip to Mexico that has been in a tizzy that he may be going with OW. He claims to my kids he is going with his uncle and their family, which makes sense, but I dont put anything by him right now. I can honestly say I would be heartbroken if he took OW on a trip right now. Regardless of who he is taking...its just another sign of his pure selfishness and total disregard for my kids and I.

Im sooo busy this weekend with lots of plans and fun stuff to do and I cannot understand why Im feeling so sad? I would think that the weekends that I have nothing to do would be harder but it seems to be the other way around. Maybe because I fantasize about him being with me at all these Holiday outings and parties.

I was sooo close to texting him today for the first time since OCt and telling him I missed him....but I didnt. It took every bit of my will power to not text him. I just want him to know sometimes that I miss him and still care deeply about him...maybe he knows? Maybe he thinks I have moved on emotionally since I have been every distant since Oct?

Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it and have fun tonight??

I just cannot get over the OW and that he chose her over his family:(