Our meeting was uneventful (note to self, listen to snodderly!). I don't know what gave me that feeling of foreboding but she actually suggested that we go out to dinner since I hadn't made anything and she was hungry. Sometimes, the more normal the meeting, the stranger it seems. We had zero R talk and instead just chatted and ate. It is almost like getting into a time machine and going back to before all of this happened, only to have that shattered when she gets in her car and drives away (often with the dog as well).
We had couples therapy last night and both agreed that it wasn't particularly productive (felt like we got sidetracked) but I'm trying to trust the therapist and hope that she knows something I don't. In general, I'm trying to be more open and trusting that god won't give me more than I can handle and that I'll be okay regardless of whats happening right now. We are paying by the month (out of network = out of pocket = expensive!) and W paid her half for this month without even flinching, which is a pretty big change from when she said she wasn't sure she wanted to continue with therapy a month ago.
In some ways, it has felt like being on a rollercoaster with a drivers wheel. You can turn the wheel but in the end it doesn't change what the rollercoaster is doing. I think I was really worried about turning the drivers wheel up until a week or two ago. Every time, trying to find some correlation between turning the wheel and what the rollercoaster does. But now I've really let go of that drivers wheel. There is NOTHING I can do that will change her. I have to just let go and focus on me.
She wants to have dinner out again tonight to give me back the dog. I've been seriously getting a life - going to holiday parties, etc. I'm finding that it is incredibly helpful to have a platonic friend who knows what you are going through, especially in social situations. It feels good to get out but there is still that painful moment whenever I get the "where is _____?" question. I actually got fed up and answered "I have no idea" to someone last night and couldn't believe it came out of my mouth.
Things feel like they are calming down but I worry that she is trying to move our relationship into "friend mode". I just don't think I have the emotional fortitude to stay friends with her and watch her engage in other relationships. I guess right now the goal is to keep one of her feet in the door so that the marriage at least has a remote chance of surviving. ____________________________ Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids EA:9/24, S:9/24 EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now
