oiyyyyyy!!!!! what a joke this is here. so much for me being "quiet". this a.m. we had a "go round" for awhile. i swear- it makes me exhausted. i'm lousy at it - i should shut up and stay that way- it just [censored] me in sometimes and then alllll my hard work (i thnk) is down the toilet.
not that i beg him to stay or anything like that- it's this damn no response to everything or anything i say (usually something small- computer problem related - ) and finally i ask if he's either hearing, has heard - has a comment- etc . his response was that it's soooooo obvious what i mean and am saying- there is no response from him required !!!???
what the hell do you do with someone like that???? cold &* hard in an argument. (maybe just across the board forever - who the heck can make this call???)
anyway- we've been going along rather peacefully- i find christmas season emotional since my dad died. don't kow why- wound isn't new- just notice that i'm too darn nostalgic about everything- and that is tht. i remain calm and am not wailing- but it's there. sappy commercials and shows make me cry- death counts on the news, etc.
oh well - shoot me huh?
ANYWAY- SO WE MANAGED to wrangle around- end without gunplay- but of course- his take is that I'm unreasonable and i can't let go in an artument and he is wonderful and i suck. pretty much- i'm distilling it.
every gripe he has about me- i can see and i say i do see it- and it's a valid gripe and i'll tryu. any comment i have about him- he lectures and agrues a bit about how it's not accurate - but we won't even go there. i just feel pretty like it's useless anymore. that being said- on way to airport he said two positive things- on purpose because one of the things i said to him is that not one thing out of his mouth EVER is positive. he feels compelled to share every singlt thing he finds wrong (and it's alot man) yet he cannot even bring himself to utter a neutral or positive word. (or so it feels). he even acknowledged that on a daily basis he knows there's alot of hard feelings bubbling below the surface.
well- thank you sooooo much. how sad that i even felt kind of grateful to just even know that one tiny bit he is AWARE of what the heck i'm "going thru" - here. that's me giving him a hell of alot of credit here also tho- im'not sure. BUT - it was a revelation that he is even aware i am a human being with feelings. (whether or not i'm entitled to be who i am and feel what i feeel- another matter. but hey, i'm not asking for the moon & stars here.
i'll write later- i've got to g0 see about my mother's car at repair place- mine is fixed, but it's darn cold out and her window won't go all the way u-p - always something isn't it??
anyway- for beter or worse- alone for next two weeks. woo hoo- what a festive season - alone- oh well. i'll just keep reminding myself at least no one is watching every move i make with an eye toward what's WRONG about it and me and so on. i'll be back later.
hope your day is okay- wow - 12 days and i sure feel your pain when you say it used to be such a happy time. i can still remember it too- even tho it was probably all my own delusion- oh well-
later scarlet.
xxoo ((( ))) keep decorating and trying to find the happiness in the teeny things- i'm working on that too. determined to make some wonderful and beautiful ornaments if it kills me. look t pinterest- wow- wonderful christmas ideas to die for... i'm soooo addicted to it-
