Sweetbriar, today? Sunday? Does fair oaks have a starbucks?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
NHMom, thank you for writing in. Your thoughts are helpful. I don't know what's in H's head at all really about why he won't tell the kids. I knew why I didn't want to. But he wants out, has wanted out since the beginning of 2011, and has never wavered according to him.
Knowing that he is more passive than I ever could have guessed, I think that he just would really like this to be done TO him instead of BY him.
He wants to feel like a good guy victimized by a sorry situation. He likes to be a hero, a good guy, different from his father.
If he can just be miserable long enough, be mean enough, make us uncomfortable enough, maybe I'll kick him out and file for divorce.
OR maybe this is painful for him too and he just can't bring himself to take action even though he wants to.
He sure doesn't act like the way things are is making him happy.
His only enjoyment seems to be being at the beck and call of his one friend, and doing favors for others. He's driving to Maryland to walk the dog of a friend since the dog is staying with the friend's mother while the friend is on vacation for 10 days. He's changing tires for people and driving people to the airport, and dropping everything to go out to bars with his friend when the text message comes in to summon him. He's traded a codependent relationship with me, with a codependent relationship with his high school buddy. Blech.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
AD, Have I or anyone else ever explained “but” statements to you?
When you say something, and follow it with a but, you are negating everything that came before the but. You are riddled with buts, qualifications, and explanations.
Hi Adinva.
This is in no way to offend you and mind you I haven't read up on your thread. I will later though. I just want to throw something out there before I forget.
I don't know if "but" statements really are a problem for you. Dig deep down and reflect on it though. Even if it isn't a problem, avoid it as much as you can.
Here is what "but" statements is translated to in my mind: I'm sorry(etc) = Yadayada but = here is why I can behave like that/why I'm right and why you should accept it.
You're saying one thing, only to follow up with a totally contradictive statement. What comes before the "but" just feels like a method to shut the person up so you can hurry up and justify yourself.
Many people do it, h3ck I probably do it a lot more than I'm aware of. I think however, by avoiding it as much as possible the communication becomes more healthy.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Thanks UF, that is good input. It's worth exploring. Sometimes but is just a conjunction that is necessary in a sentence where the second part is an exception from the first part. You can't expel it from your language wholesale without having to do some weird verbal gymnastics.
I like skiing but my husband doesn't.
But - you're right. I'm sorry but, is another way of saying I'm not really sorry that much.
There is so much that turns up in the sitches I read here, mine included, where the lack of honest clear communication starts problems, makes them worse, and keeps us in denial about them.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sometimes but is just a conjunction that is necessary in a sentence where the second part is an exception from the first part. You can't expel it from your language wholesale without having to do some weird verbal gymnastics.
I am going to start with this because you are right sometimes a but is simply a necessary part of a sentence.
For me, buts were huge. For most of us they actually are and we don't realize it until we start paying real attention to it. Getting called on it every time you turn around. LOL.
Verbal gymnastics to avoid them, feel like that at first. Eventually, you find ways to not use buts at all. And it becomes natural. And then, when you find yourself wanting to use it, you look at why.
I will rephrase what you wrote about the skiing...
Originally Posted By: Ad
I like skiing but my husband doesn't.
I like skiing. My husband does not.
No need for the but. Just two simple facts being stated separatly from one another.
Usually when the but is inserted as you did, it is followed by something like "so I don't go do it." Which then turns it into an excuse of sorts.
And a dangerous one at that, because it lays the blame squarely on the shoulders of someone else. Whereas the statement with out the but does not unless it is followed with something that is clearly a blaming statement like...
"I like skiing. My husband does not. Because of that, I don't go."
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I like skiing. My husband does not. So I go skiing without him.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I'm not very good at it but I have a lot of fun anyway.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I know you have been having some very rough days lately and I usually just post to offer support and empathy. You stated in an earlier post that you don't necessarily just always want people to sugar coat it (I honestly don't remember your exact words), but that you want to be challenged when needed.
I want to challenge you a bit today... Your last post re. how nasty and angry your H was when he came back last night just made me so sad. I felt so bad both for you and your kids.
You are clearly aware that it is wrong and abusive - you have verbalized it here. My question to you is - what are you going to do to stop it? I see that you ended up taking the blame for something just so your H would stop yelling. You also tried to fairly give your H a chance to do something nice towards your S by returning the money he took away. Yet instead, he returned it and inflicted yet another barrage of critical comments about the mess your son had in his room.
My challenge and question to you is - are you doing everything you can to protect them from this abusive behavior? I know we always say we cannot control our H's actions, yet in this instance he is abusing your kids who desperately try to defend themselves and difuse your H's anger to no avail. Have you established any boundaries to protect them from this? IDK what the answer is, but a simple thing would be to talk to your kids and agree that any time your H becomes angry and abusive towards any of you, you will all just walk out. Go to another room, get in the car and go for some ice cream, anything. You have a family meeting and you forewarn your H that this is what you and the kids will do any time he behaves like that and then you follow through. You all instantly drop everything, get up and leave your husband talking to himself.
My question here is - what are you doing to empower your sons and teach them to establish and enforce healthy boundaries to protect themselves?
You are with them now, but when your H leaves and they spend time with him alone at his new place, he will continue abusing them - perhaps even worse if you are not there. How will they be able to deal with it? You have an opportunity to teach them NOW how to protect themselves.
Ad, you know I sincerely care for you and it really hurts to read your posts. I just want to bring a closer focus on something that for me is imperative to deal with right away - your sons' emotional health now and into the future.
((((((Ad)))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
A lot of us are remedial here in communication skills and relationship skills, so I get that fixating on a rule helps you become more aware of what you may be inadvertently doing.
I will give it a try.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
