Separation at 17.5 months

[keep_going]

Ad,

I know you have been having some very rough days lately and I usually just post to offer support and empathy. You stated in an earlier post that you don't necessarily just always want people to sugar coat it (I honestly don't remember your exact words), but that you want to be challenged when needed.

I want to challenge you a bit today... Your last post re. how nasty and angry your H was when he came back last night just made me so sad. I felt so bad both for you and your kids.

You are clearly aware that it is wrong and abusive - you have verbalized it here. My question to you is - what are you going to do to stop it? I see that you ended up taking the blame for something just so your H would stop yelling. You also tried to fairly give your H a chance to do something nice towards your S by returning the money he took away. Yet instead, he returned it and inflicted yet another barrage of critical comments about the mess your son had in his room.

My challenge and question to you is - are you doing everything you can to protect them from this abusive behavior? I know we always say we cannot control our H's actions, yet in this instance he is abusing your kids who desperately try to defend themselves and difuse your H's anger to no avail. Have you established any boundaries to protect them from this? IDK what the answer is, but a simple thing would be to talk to your kids and agree that any time your H becomes angry and abusive towards any of you, you will all just walk out. Go to another room, get in the car and go for some ice cream, anything. You have a family meeting and you forewarn your H that this is what you and the kids will do any time he behaves like that and then you follow through. You all instantly drop everything, get up and leave your husband talking to himself.

My question here is - what are you doing to empower your sons and teach them to establish and enforce healthy boundaries to protect themselves?

You are with them now, but when your H leaves and they spend time with him alone at his new place, he will continue abusing them - perhaps even worse if you are not there. How will they be able to deal with it? You have an opportunity to teach them NOW how to protect themselves.

Ad, you know I sincerely care for you and it really hurts to read your posts. I just want to bring a closer focus on something that for me is imperative to deal with right away - your sons' emotional health now and into the future.

((((((Ad)))))))