New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[AnotherStander]

But agan, it's hard because I don't see him in turmoil, I see him cool, calm and happy with his decision.

That is exactly how my W has been for the nearly 6 months since BD. Cool, calm, confident in her decision. But last weekend we had a talk and I was surprised to hear that she is still very confused about what she wants. She actually started crying about it, the first emotion I've seen from her since BD. So you never know what's going on inside.

Well, she wanted it and I made it happen. Our house looks nice I think. I wonder if he'll notice.

Good job! Great GAL and "acting as if" move.

I'm still not sure what I want as far as relationship. I fear people will think of me as a fool if I want our marriage intact.

Don't worry about what others think. Most of them WILL think the M is not worth the effort, that's just the way our world is today, M is disposable. But I doubt anyone would think less of you for putting forth an effort.

So here's my game plan ... LESS contact.(Only when needed and I'm not jumping to his text unless it benefits me), working on me, making me better, doing daily devotions, reading DR, When the Vow Breaks (self help books) and when H is coming over, I put on clothes, put on make-up, etc... I'm not going to talk to him about OW, not going to talk about relationship, I'm going to do what he is doing and think of nobody but myself (and DD of course - since he isn't!)

Excellent game plan! That's all great DB'ing. Make it your long-term plan

[AnotherStander]

Another: just quick update. Took your suggestion to heart. H sent me a text telling me he would leave me a check in morning. I ask if he finished mulching job. He answered nope, got to go back in morning. I just said, don't forget your cell # is released and you have truck insurance info. I'd shop around if it was me. Was that a nice reminder - I wasn't telling him what to do and wasn't telling him I was cutting him off. Just reminding him it was there to do.

Good, now don't mention it again. You've informed him and it's up to him to take responsibility for it. If he doesn't, well you're not his mother, he needs to do grown-up stuff on his own now

[brokenheart71]

Originally Posted By: notsurewhat2do

But agan, it's hard because I don't see him in turmoil, I see him cool, calm and happy with his decision.

I just wanted to say that this, like many things in our lives right now, is a no win proposition. On days when my H does seem troubled by his current choices I feel "was life so bad with me that you would rather be living like this?" And if he seems happy I just get mad and wonder how he can just move on so easily. And when I asked him about Christmas gifts for his family he said he would buy them. I was hurt and mad, he has never bought gifts. But if he wanted me to do it I also would have been mad, thinking he still took me for granted. As hard as it is, I really think you (we) have to work on not even thinking about H - any thought of him will end up negative. As many wise people here say - focus on YOU and yor D.
I am sorry you're going through this. I hope you can enjoy the holidays with your D. I would ask her what traditions she wants to continue with just you and maybe come up with some new ones together.

[notsurewhat2do]

H left signed deed last night, but also left papers for me to sign to take me off the checking accounts he used. I didn't sign them. It just didn't feel right. I know he signed the deed of the house to me, but he agreed to that. And it doesn't matter, right now we are still legally married and if something happended to me, he would get it by default (unless my parents faught it - but he would get sole custody of DD and they probably wouldn't make her leave the house). So anyways, I'm bracing myself for his question of why I didn't sign it. I have no idea. I just didn't want too. I guess I could give him the answer he keeps giving me, "I'm sorry and I don't know".

AND if anyone is a Christian a going through this and having much conflict, I recommend the daily devotions called "divorce care 365 daily devotions" by steve grissom and kathy leonard. It is really good. I read more than 1 a day, but probably shouldn't. Anyways, my biggest conviction is my view of marriage through Christ. I may have said this before, but I feel that I am married till God releases me (please no flaming my post, each of us believe something a little differently). But I've just started the chapter in the book called "What does the owner manual says" And it explains the biblical view of marriage and how we (those who didn't get to make the decision) feel about what has been done in the eyes of the Lord. Really good stuff. It made me write a 2 page entry in my journal last night, along with a prayer to the Lord. Good stuff! Highly recommended. I do admit though, I skipped ahead to the section on dating and not sure I completely agree with everything. It says stastically you should wait 1 year for every 4 that you were married before getting into another relationship ... that would be 5 years for me! Eeekk ... I don't see myself single that long, not that I'm ready to jump now, but I was thinking more a long the lines of 3 years.....

[notsurewhat2do]

Thanks Another for the feedback - always comforting to know you are moving in the right direction. I don't always feel like it!
And Thanks BrokenHeart, looks like our timelines are very similar. I hate it for all of us!

[notsurewhat2do]

So, H left me a check with explanation. $600 for C/S, $200 he borrowed, $700 for Christmas. He told me when he started process to withdrawal 401K that he would half it with me. I KNOW $700 is not half. In his last statement there was a little over $28,000 in the account. So at best, I would guess after paying taxes he should have approximately $10,000 and thats allowing him to lose $8,000 and 50% taxes. I don't want to push to hard, since he didn't mention my 401K or retirement in our divorce settlement, but it really hurts that he is lying. Why even tell me he would half it with me when he wasn't planning on it the whole time? I just want the lying to stop!!!!! I did screw up again and send him a text when I saw the check .... it said "So you only got $1400 from your 401K?" I haven't heard from him and that was at 9:20pm CST and it is now 8:33am CST. Of course, he'll say he didn't get the text. Which seems to be a pattern with him. He says he doesn't get all my text, or he does and sometimes it will be days later. Reminds me of selective hearing....

[notsurewhat2do]

Today, I feel .....
I guess after getting the check from H and trying to decide what to do, I feel very sad and weepy ....
I really try to keep my emotions in check when DD is around. Last night I felt this overwhelming urge to find our printed wedding vows and I can't find them. I started look in our wedding album and of course got emotional looking at pix and listening to our cake topper (it was a music box). DD came down and caught me, she put her arms around me and loved on me. I jumped up and kept looking for vows (still can't find). She went upstairs. I went to her room and hugged and kissed her and thanked for her taking care of me and told her I was sorry, this all [censored]. She said she was sorry. But I told her I was sorry it has effected her life so much also.
But then I was just weepy the rest of the night, thinking about how much H has lied to us. What I need to do and what I don't want to do. I very much don't want to be divorced, but right now I don't see any other way around it. But then part of me says, if you aren't ready, then there is no rush (I think someone else has said that too me) at this point, whats the hurry. He is already living with OW and choosing her over us, so what is the rush.
So part of me wants to say file the darn papers and give him what he wants, to be free of us. Part of me what to fight really hard, but I'm honestly not sure it will matter... why fight when I think he feels like he's done something so unforgivable, I may never want him back. And some of me agrees. I hate not knowing what to do ... so I'm not doing anything right now.

I do need advice, though. Since he promised 1/2 of payout, do I push it, or just go with the flow. Honestly, I was hoping for more so I could pay off a looming personal loan I have.. paying it off will give me $150 more a month for living expenses (actually savings). But I don't want to nag ... and he still hasn't answered my text ... and I still haven't signed his bank papers to take me off account... again, what is the rush? Unless he doesn't want me to have access to know how much he got and how much he spends. I really don't care and I've never looked untill I got suspicious he was lying (which looking proved).
I know DR means no nagging, no contact, etc .. so I'm thinking no more asking about it. Just take what he gives me.... right?

[notsurewhat2do]

Haha ... it the censored d*rn .... the clean slang of d*mn! HAHA

[notsurewhat2do]

Two whole days of NC from H. I'm sure DD has talked to him, actually I'm pretty sure she has, he wanted to see her last night, but she chose boyfriend over him ... kinda funny, now he knows how it feels.

This morning he must be working on getting his last few bills transfered over to his own name and out of the joint account. Cell phone and insurance. He's asked me several questions. I've answered but no other chat.

Tonight I'm having "OUR" friends over for dessert party. Every year at Christmas we've gone to dinner with friends for Christmas. I actually think H and I are "founding" friends and probably suggested the tradition. For about 10 years we coordinated it, but I got tired of it and now just whoever does it. But it's tonight and I knew it would be too hard to go without H, so I invited everyone over for dessert after their dinner. It will be my way of still seeing our friends, but in a different setting. I'm moving on .... my guess is that H isn't communicating with any of the friends because they will tell him how stupid he is ... is loss!

Actually I did contact an old high school friend of H that was in our wedding. I told him the situation and then asked him if he would contact H just to talk. I figured because he doesn't live in our small town and doesn't socialize with us, that he might be a good netural person for H to talk to. His high school friend is divorced and has dated several people since the divorce. I want him to encourage H to do the same thing (as he did me - he told me not to rush into anything) But I know H needs someone to talk to that is neutral and I think his friend will have his feelings on the OW, but he will also listen to H. Anyways, still worried about him and I really think he needs to talk to someone ....

I've had a good two days, still certain things tear me up a little, but for the most part, I'm feeling stronger. I KNOW I can't control H's decisions, but I have some control myself. I know not signing his bank papers might seems childish, but it's a little bit of control for me and right now I need that. I took H's money, deposited most and it feels good to pay bills without robbing Peter to pay Paul so to speak. Now, if he just keeps it up (paying on time) it will take a load of stress off me!

I still hate that he is lying to me about EVERYTHING, but again, I know I can't control it. So, moving on ....

[notsurewhat2do]

Oh yea, Tuesday, getting hair cut and some grooming done. AND I've had several people tell me that they have "great" guys to fix me up with when I'm ready. That's is calming, since that is one of my fears. I don't want to be alone forever. I don't see myself doing anything for several, several years, but I don't want to sit at home and be a hermit either and so many of my friends are married, my single friend circle is very small! Anyways, again, moving on with my life. Making a few changes and after the first of the year (like everyone else) going back on Weight Watchers (I lost about 40lbs 2 years ago and then when our money got tight I let it go. Probably need to lose about 20 now).