Separation at 17.5 months

[adinva]

All is well with my soul. I like that quote. But all is not well in my house.

H went out again with his friend last night. I had plans to see a friend from out of town so I came home to greet the kids, cleaned the kitchen, fixed dinner and got homework started, met H and told him I was headed out and that a sleepover friend was coming over soon. He said he'd be home for a little while but was going out.

He got home about 10 and came in hollering. First it was that S12 had accidentally locked the office door and we don't know where the key is. What'd you do that for, why do you lock the door, where is the key, why don't you know, who took the key, why does everyone always leave things where they don't belong, all at top decibel. Then there was the back and forth with S14 and his friend in the kitchen saying S12 did it and S12 saying S14 did it and on and on. Stomach upset.

H could have been the hero by unlocking the door but he turned it into a huge blame session and extrapolated it to a universal truth of the laziness and incompetence of everyone in the house but him.

He took all of S12's money, saying that he'd have to pay a locksmith. S12 was upset and came to ask H why he even asks S12 if he's just going to listen only to S14 anyway. S12 said he doesn't feel heard. H said you're not because I'm not listening to you. I know it was your fault. Ugh.

I asked if once we got the door opened could he please take the lock off it to prevent any future mistakes? He put both a key-lock doorknob and a sliding bolt on that door years ago when he got fed up that kids would play in there during Cub Scout meetings and there would be a mess. Rather than try to get the kids to pick up he just locked the toyroom anytime there were any friends over. That room was converted to an office over 2 years ago but there's still a lock. The key kept falling off because H tied it to the bolt with red yarn and the yard got old and broke off. I can visualize the key sitting somewhere but I can't remember. H gets just livid when I can't remember where something is.

Then he spied the screwdriver on the kitchen table between s14 and his friend. Who got that out, why is it out, why can't anyone remember taking it out, what is wrong with you people, someone tell me who got it out, at high decibel. S14 said S12, S12 said S14, no one remembered getting it out. I cleaned the kitchen yesterday and again this afternoon and feel pretty sure it wasn't on the table, but when H is yelling my brain gets fuzzy and I can't remember things either.

I couldn't take it anymore so I said, "ok. I don't remember but let's just say I got it out." H said well you should have put it away, and I said, OK I will next time. Ahhh. It was over.

There were a few more things H found to holler about before he went to bed. I was feeling bad that H is now acting toward the kids exactly how he used to act toward me. Come in, find everything to criticize, and then go to bed. Not a single moment of valuing them, caring about them, knowing what they did today or anything. I used to be so upset when he did that to me.

Unless you're living in it, you cannot imagine how impossible it is to clean enough, put away enough, remember enough, or anticipate enough what might set him off. You can think of 100 of them but he'll walk in and find the 101st, and only that. So you stop caring about the first 100 too....

This morning I woke up still feeling sad about the night before. I asked H how much money he took from S12, and he said $8 but you can give it back to him since I got the door fixed without having to pay anything. I asked him if he could give it to S12 himself. I was still in bed, H was up and ready to go, and it was time to wake up S12 anyway, but also I feel like it's undermining H to let him be the big meanie and then I'm the one who makes it better. I wanted to just stay in bed. So H took the $8 down the hall and said, Wake up, here's your money, what is this mess on the floor, get up, pick this up, pick that up, why do you leave stuff on the floor, this is a complete mess. And then he left for work. Sigh.

Last night when i was out with my friend she asked why we hadn't told the kids yet, and for me part of it has always been that we might turn this around. Her jaw hit the floor and she asked did I really think that was going to happen? Would I even want it to happen? He needs to go, she said. I am starting to realize how delusional I sound when I talk about this divorce not happening.

Here's my life now. Working on some songs with the guitar group I started, took them out to hear live music recently and it was fun, plan to do that again. Thinking of going to a concert in Richmond later this month. Meeting with L, financial advisor, and bank to work on our separation agreement terms. Busy time of year at work, hanging in there. Enjoying Christmas. Talking with my sisters often. The occasional beauty treatment or massage. Fun memories of our recent cruise vacation. Back in Weight Watchers. Tapering off A/Ds. Reading and biweekly IC. Plans for a few voice lessons in the new year. Bikram yoga every day, because I got a gift that helped me afford it for a month. Busy but mostly good.