Separation at 17.5 months

[adinva]

Cat04 it was nice of you to respond, and I was hoping you would. I feel mad when I think someone is putting me down here rather than providing something constructive. This time you gave me more specifically what you were looking for.

I also appreciate you balancing constructive criticism with some words of affirmation. That reduces my defensiveness a lot.

I question whether I've really changed too. But I think and respond and feel differently. My world is less egocentric than it was. My eyes have been opened to a lot of other perspectives, starting with H's and my kids' and extending to people I work with and interact with elsewhere. However, I won't ever say I'm satisfied with my changes and am all done.

Every time I am forced to think about what's different in me now than earlier in my marriage, it reinforces my learning and cements it.

I know about myself that I'm uncomfortable when I don't feel a sense of control over events in my life. But I do not control my H. I control what I'm going to say and do in relation to him. His response, actions, feelings are up to him. I hope he understands that someday.

I could have flown to the moon and painted it purple, and if I read in a book that it would save my marriage, I would have done it. But my H and I both went a certain distance away from each other. I could have thrown dishes at him and screamed and cried some more, and it would have made the end of my marriage more certain and quick. All I could do was come back to the center point and see if H would meet me there. I accept that I'm disappointed that he did not. I did what I could and feel better because of it.

When I get closer to the raw emotions of this sitch, my brain wants to help me out by assigning blame outside of me and hurling insults around. You should have heard what it was saying before I revised my post to you. Although this forum is anonymous, there's still a censor in me that stops me from saying things that I can't feel good about myself having said.

In my posts here and in my small FB group I have challenged my H's manhood, honor, sexuality, sanity, and common sense in my fits of rage. But in the end he's going to do what he has to and I've got to pick up the pieces and go on. There's a lot I keep bottled up because I feel such responsibility for the health of my kids. If there hadn't been kids I might have told him 10 years ago to hit the road when he strayed the first time.

I live by the principle that I do what is the greatest good and do what it takes to make that be what I want to do. My dad was a big influence and integrity and cheerfulness in duty were huge to him as they are to me. I watch him smile at my mom while taking her to the 1,000th doctor's appointment this week and patiently explain to her three times in a row who's coming for dinner tomorrow night, tell her what she likes to order at Friendly's. The love and trust that shines back at him from her eyes is so sweet. He does not do what might be easier for him, he wants to do what is right and it's impossible to tell if he wanted it first or if it was right first.

I live like that too. I don't think that's a bad thing. If it was I don't think I would like the alternative.

My sitch has deteriorated from trying to save my marriage to trying to make sure I don't get cheated and my kids don't get abused. My H and his problems and sadness are no longer my primary concern at the moment. He's on his own to figure them out and I am setting boundaries to ensure that my kids and I are given common decency and respect in our home.

I love him and sympathize with the struggle he's experiencing, and at the same time I know he's not getting any better dragging this out. He really needs to go, and he really needs to find out what he wants in life and start taking steps to get it for himself.

I went through all that "he is WRONG" and what I wish people would think cr*p to try to exorcise it from myself. I feel like that sometimes, and it's ugly. When I get it out and look at it I don't like it; it's not who I want to be.

I get really annoyed when I see people get feedback that's harsh and they reply with immediate excuses about how they're all better now and that was then and blah blah blah but I'm doing it myself a bit. In between what we say back and forth the message seeps in gradually and behind the scenes.

Is it good or bad that I went out with a good friend in town for dinner and she told me she hadn't asked to stay at our house because she was afraid she'd smother H in the night with a pillow. I burst out laughing and told her I loved her for saying that. It's easier to be Mother Teresa if there's someone ready in your corner with a pillow.