He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

Bug, I'm slowly getting to the place where I have to accept that this R might end. My dad keeps reminding me of the progress I've made (which is not insignificant), but what I'm not seeing is any willingness on H's part to accept his part in this or to do any ACTUAL work to right the situation. This is unacceptable. I am not going to be in a marriage where I'm not loved or wanted.

So where does that leave me? I'm certainly not leaving my children and moving out again. I don't have a full time job, although I could get one and support myself just fine, and I suppose that is what I'm going to have to do. I don't want to though, and I think that's part of my hesitation in all of this. Working part time has been great for me and great for the boys.

So yes, there's fear there - a lot of fear. It's not the fear of being alone, it's the fear of the unknown and the sadness I would have to face to get there. Fear of failure too. I just had to deal with this with regards to my job - having to walk away from that bad relationship in a sense. A lot of fear.

I totally agree that I've been focusing way too much on H and not enough on myself. This is probably part of the problem - that I'm willing to put my own needs on hold in order to maintain the status quo.

Right now, H has me in a position where if I express my own needs or wishes, a) they are not valid and b) they are not 'respecting his needs'. Aside from asking for basic respect, he feels I'm not "entitled" to much. Sleeping in my own bed is a great example. If I want to sleep in my own bed, it is not 'respecting his need' to be alone. A rational person would say, "Well, let him sleep in the guest room if he wants to be alone." I didn't push him because I thought it would push him over the edge. Now I'm getting more ready to do that, because I'm caring less if he walks. When I moved back into my house in Sept, I took the bull by the horns and I may have to do it again. Most of you here have been encouraging me to do that. But even if I start sleeping in the bed again, I can't make him love me.

I also know that I have to try something different. I've tried 180s and beginner's mind and cheeseless tunnels. It's worked to this point - we're eating together, riding in the car together, doing family things. But now we're back to where we were when all of this started - we're in an emotionally barren situation where he's shutting me out.

So, MWD would say it's time to go dim. Let me just say how hard it is to do that when living together. Nearly impossible. Plus I'm so emotional about it right now because I'm angry at him for not compromising or taking any of my needs into account.

But still and all, I know I have to focus on myself now. Self-love, self-care. I haven't done that in a very long time and honestly when I think about doing that I feel guilty.