He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

Well dinner went fine. H is very numb all of the time. He doesn't smile, he doesn't laugh, he doesn't engage. I think this is actually just with me. He's very lovey dovey/kissy kissy with the boys and I think he does it to piss me off (subconsciously - he would never admit that). We did somewhat share a dessert, but I doubt that means much.

He did tell me during this dinner that he's got a business trip to London at the end of January and he's thinking of going to Italy with his dad after (his dad owns property there and I guess they have to do some paperwork or something). Isn't that fab? H gets to go to Italy while I'm here with the boys. After I asked him how he planned to pay for that, I just said, "Have fun."

I think I did ok on being dim today, but then he let me know he was going to watch another episode of this show The Hour that we've been watching. I asked him if that was an invitation, so he rephrased to "I'm watching The Hour, would you like to join me?" We did watch that together. I suppose that is some progress.

I'm so angry at him though for refusing to budge that it's very hard to keep my cool, but I am really trying to do it for the sake of DB. If and when there comes a point when I'm past angry and just don't care anymore, then I know it's over. But, I'm still angry, there's emotion there so I guess I got some fight left in me. I don't know how to be patient and the lack of communication hurts because that's how things get in the darkest times between us.

Rubytuesday asked me why I feel I need to be in an R. Well, I've been in one for the last 20 years, and like Hopeful, this is my second significant R. I had a boyfriend for about 5 years before H, and when we broke up, H came along within a few months. The first BF was not a great R either and it went on way too long.

I suppose that I don't know how to be an adult on my own. Not that I'm not independent - I am. But I like to have someone around to share stuff with, and, as I said, I have this need for validation. The thing is, I think H is kind of dragging me down at this point - like an anchor - and I'm not getting any of my needs fulfilled with him. Going to try to focus on just "cutting him out" so that I can learn to live without him . Self fulfilling prophecy for him I guess.