Sorry I wasn't clear.. I'll TRY to explain better.
I guess what I meant to say is that in some ways you are acting like you have been with ex-gf for 8 yrs like you have your w.. but maybe I'm reading it wrong.
It's not that you shouldn't DB her. I think you should. I think we should DB every relationship...
I think at first - the Newcomers see DBing as tactics... or perhaps bettering our chances at getting our spouses back.
When in reality - it's just how we should love people in general. It's about reaching across the table and understanding how another person feels and learning to respect their feelings.
And to look inwards to see how we contribute to those feelings and if there is anything we need to change.
We change what we can Let go of what we can't And do our best to know the difference.
You shouldn't send her a text because she doesn't want contact with you in the same way as before. If you say you love her, love her enough to respect her wishes for space.
And if she says that she doesn't want a relationship with you for WHATEVER reason, love her enough to say okay, and let her go.
Right now, YOU initiate contact so YOU can make sure that she knows how much YOU care about her. You think you are loving her by doing this but in fact, your motivated selfishly (see all the "You"s) by your own fear.
Because she already knows you care... and if she doesn't.. you keep showing her not by texts, but through patience, compassion, kindness.. (remember 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Alamo - That's all you can do. Do you best to love as Christ loves...
We are not God. We cannot control all situations nor are we supposed to.
If you love her well (and I don't mean pursue the crap out of her) she may not understand that. There are all kinds of love - and there are times when people just don't like the love we are giving.
And that's okay. Although it is important that people know you loved them.. it is not AS important that you love them no matter what...
... no matter if she sees it or not... ... no matter if she believes it to be true or not.... ... no matter if she chooses to be with YOU or not...
I chose to love my xw everyday. I do this by not talking sh!t on her, not blaming her for my own faults, or still being kind in the very rare times we have communication....
..and by respecting the fact that she doesn't want contact with me.. and that it would be unloving to not let her try to figure it out on her own.
I do that KNOWING SHE IS NOT COMING BACK. And knowing that she does not see my struggles to take the high road and may never understand or appreciate my love for her.
I don't do it because she deserves or has earned it. I do because I am loved.. and therefore I should love.
See where I'm going here?
Because lets just say that she does believe you don't care because you didn't want to "Fight" for her.
If you respected her wishes for space or whatever, then it's on her!
You wanting to hold yourself responsible for her feelings and trying to make sure she doesn't get those feelings is a codependent behavior. It's called caretaking.
And that's what I was getting to when it comes to patterns. It wasn't about your ex-gf vs. xw... it was about you and how your actions are the same. Still fear motivated.
Fear of what? Only you can say.
But whilst there is fear in your heart, it is very difficult to love.
I hope I explained it a tad better. I'm sorry that you are hurting Alamo..
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
