We did talk about it in person. I told him in an email my concerns and we talked last night. He tried talking to D15 and she wouldn't talk but he didn't keep trying.
We talked about him bringing up the past and AS I did say some of the things you mentioned and we argued a little because he said he's not doing this, but he is. Anyway, I repeated that I have come to a good place in my life and I didn't feel like he is ready to move forward, he says he is. We will talk again before he would move back. Since we were talking face to face I did get a better idea about how he "really" feels. We always have talked face to face until in the email I told him I was concerned and I wanted to talk. We did go out last night with other people but we met there since we aren't living together.
Today we have our MC appointment to see where we are. I'm sure that will be interesting. Broken, this has been going on a long time with us. We have been in MC which seems like forever and I didn't think it has worked until I did DB. We have done stuff with the kids this whole time and some stuff separately. I do feel like some dates would help.
I really think what is said today in MC will tell alot. Eventhough I don't feel like we have gotten anywhere with MC I do think I will get a better idea if he is ready.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
The situation with your 15 year old is between her and her Dad. Let her know that you are there to listen but he has to do the work here.
Actions! Listen to his actions not his words. Just as now you should let your actions speak for you. He isn't ready to come home, he hasn't realized the full gravity of what he has done to get him to see the work that he needs to do. He doesn't need to her you tell him what he needs to do. He needs to figure that out for himself.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
Yes actually it was productive I guess since I was expecting nothing. The MC pointed out to him how he is criticizing when he talks to me. He said "I guess I need help on learning how to communicate without criticizing. He did it several times in our session so i'm glad she said something.
One thing we talked about is if we could rewrite our marriage contract what would it say. One of the things he said was to have a 2-way street. I found that funny because he still doesn't see that he did things I didn't agree with. When it was my turn I said this and the MC said that often in these situations we forget everything else and focus on what has been done to you. So at least we are getting better and we both laughed which is very important. I also talked about the 5LL. Of course she knew what I was talking about but he didn't. She tried explaining it to him. I said that I thought that is why he didn't think I loved or appreciated him. I said I probably didn't say it in your language. I think after she explained some things to him about things I was reading, he understood some of what I was trying to explain such as I never knew he was so unhappy.
He also admitted having a good time when we have been together lately which is one reason he said he has thought about moving back. But at the end of the session he also said that NO he hadn't truly gotten past all of his issues but that he was working on it and he felt like he had made some progress.
As far as a MC session, this is the best one we have ever had. I know it kind of sounds like she was on my side but in the session she really just facilitated. She just pointed out when one of us was doing something that the other could take wrong. She is a big john Gottman person. So when me and H were "discussing" something that we didn't particularly agree with each other and she had mentioned something in the 7 principles book, I mentioned that x% of fights do not have a right or wrong answer. He found that interesting.
I think that he sees how much i am trying to change that I am trying to read and get information to help me understand him. In the past he just thought I didn't care.
How are you doing Ed? I hope you're going good.
Like everyone else on here you get to reading other people's stories and wonder how they're doing, especially when something good happens to you. I have been going through this for so long, and without knowing they were "180's", I tried not to do things he didn't like. But, it was not until I read the book and got on here and was really conscious of what I was doing did I really see improvement in both of us. I have to admit that it did not seem like moving on with your life and not telling them you love them etc would work, but it really does. Not to mention I feel like I am a better person too.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
That sounded like a Very productive session today. I used to look so forward to sessions that were not just blaming sessions back in the beginning of 2010 for the 6 months we went.
I do not even get any opportunities to talk with my W anymore because she has distanced herself so much from both myself and our son, probably due to her looking forward so much to her next night out drinking.
She is heading downhill and now driving her car after the bar closes, so she is getting deeper into her alcoholism.
With your sessions, still expect some backslides to occur, just so you don't get caught off guard.
Well done today.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
I went out of town with D15 over the weekend. Didn't have much contact with H except for to inform him of games. H put up Christmas lights and stayed at house while we were gone. I helped him a little when I got home. He made a fire in the outdoor fireplace and we sat out there and talked a little, nothing in particular.
So he left early. I asked him if he wanted to make candy tonight, something we have been doing for years at Christmas, and he said he didn't know what was going on. I still get the feeling he doesn't want to spend time together. In one breath he talks about having a good time when we're together and thinks he wants to work on M, but then doesn't seem to want to stick around when he comes over.
I don't know what to make of this. At this point, since we have talked about reconciling, I don't know if I should still be keeping distance and not initiating or if I should be showing him that I do care about him.
I don't want to scare him away, but I do want him to realize that if he is going to move back I would like to do things together and I want to feel loved. I don't know if it is appropriate to talk about feelings yet or wait since there has been no solid plans made on moving back.
He kisses me goodbye when he leaves but that's about it. It is a little awkward. I'm never sure how it is going to be when he leaves, whether he will give me a kiss or not. I always get the feeling either he is waiting for me to say something or he is thinking of saying something. There is just that awkward moment.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
I still get the feeling he doesn't want to spend time together. In one breath he talks about having a good time when we're together and thinks he wants to work on M, but then doesn't seem to want to stick around when he comes over.
He's not there yet, he needs more time. Just pull back and leave him to his thoughts. Nothing you can do will speed the process.
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At this point, since we have talked about reconciling, I don't know if I should still be keeping distance and not initiating or if I should be showing him that I do care about him.
DEFINITELY keep your distance. Do you know the squirrel analogy?
If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally take the nut from you.
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I don't know if it is appropriate to talk about feelings yet or wait since there has been no solid plans made on moving back.
I don't think he's ready for that yet.
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I always get the feeling either he is waiting for me to say something or he is thinking of saying something. There is just that awkward moment.
Just act "as if" everything is fine, that your life is fine with or without him. Likewise, you are fine whether he kisses you or not. It's fine to kiss him if he initiates, just don't act like you're sitting there waiting for him to do it (I hope that makes sense).
There is no need to rush things, if you want to get it right, that is. Keep that focus on you and your girls. He will have to decide if he wants to be part of that life you have created for yourselves.
I know how hard it is to be patient. I made all sorts of mistakes on my end. I begged, pleaded, cried and tried to guilt him to want his family. I suppose I just made it miserable to be home. However I will say he is none too happy that the 5 of us make a very close and happy family. He made his choice and I have made mine. I choose to have a happy life and I don't need a guy to do that.
Kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
That is exactly what I am doing. One comment he did say to me last night was "no one ever comes to visit me." He is living at his parents house. I told him that I was giving him space and it would be a little awkward for everyone involved to visit him there. D15 still is not talking to him and I told him he needed to keep trying. Not coming over or calling is not trying too hard and I think she sees that.
I do not initiate kissing him goodbye. He has the last couple of times so I return but that's it. I know he is not ready yet.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
