Well, I just came over from the New Comers section. I started officially dating after I got my divorce (my ex-wife and I had been separated for 2.5 years, so this was not a rebound or anything), but have since run into heart-breaking situation.
My ex-gf and I met 4 months ago through church. To say we hit it off right away would be an understatement. We could talk for 4-5 hours everyday without a dull moment, we understood each other, our jokes, our religious philosophies, she and I had all the visual cues that we were attracted to each other, friends commented on how our faces light up when we see each other, etc.
We wanted to do it the right away and be right with God, so we waited till I was officially divorced at the end of October before we started dating. In the meantime, we remained "friends with potential" as we jokingly referred to each other.
So we started dating and it was amazing; we had loads of fun and again, there never was a dull moment. We enjoyed each other's company and respected each other greatly. A week later, however, just as I was sensing that she was keeping me at arm's length and the cold shoulder, she broke up with me, citing that if we got married, she did not want to deal with the stresses of my ex-wife being in the picture. I practiced some DB/DRing and made very minimal contact with her. A week later, we reconciled after we talked about her concern a little more. Since the beginning of our relationship, I reassured her I will try my darnest to protect her and buffer her from the stresses of living a life with an ex. It may not always be the case, but I told her I understood the fear and great dedication needed to date a guy with an ex-wife.
The following week, we celebrated Thanksgiving dinner with my family. A few days after that, I started sensing the same distance from her again. Then she wanted to meet upon Saturday to talk. When we met up, she said that she was still struggling with this and wanted to stay her choice to never date a guy with baggage (apparently she came to this decision after she dated a divorced man 3 years ago). Did that prior decision stop her from her attraction to me, to flirt with me, to want to date me? No! And so it really blew me mind and saddened me intensely that she went with her head rather than her heart. What's going here?
That evening after the break up, I made a conscious decision to maintain contact with her, even though a few hours earlier I had said to her that I would be lying to myself, her and God by being her friend; my feelings for her are deeper than that.
So that night I texted her the following:
"Hey, hope you're doing okay. I just want you to know how much I've enjoyed our relationship, and how much I've learned and that I still love you to bits. Even though we're not together, I'll always be available to race you around a digital racetrack (we enjoyed hitting the arcades), discuss mundane nerd factoids, Trekkie trivia (we're not fans, but loved joking about Trek fans. No offense), the awesomeness of God, and possibly Schnooki and JWOWW (we made fun of them to no end; and Schnooki also became my ex-gf's nickname). Hope you have a good night, S."
She responded 8 minutes later, "Thank you Alamo I hope you have a good night too"
I texted my ex-gf another time the next day (Monday) which became a short conversation about her new boss at school and work, with an occasional smiley face by her. She didn't not ask about me or anything, though. In one of her last messages that day, she said, "Ya, I still have my job so thats a good start for me :)" And I decided to chance it and threw out a compliment (and I meant every word of it), "Indeed! I'm happy He keeps us blessed with work. And it would be an absolute crime if your school, for some insane reason, decided not to keep one of its best, most hardworking and dedicated teachers I know."
She responded "Thank you, that is kind of you to say"
So the million dollar question is: is it "safe" to actively (but cautiously) pursue her? Besides the very occasional texts, I'm hoping to drop by her workplace and leave some origami cats (she's a cat person) on her car with a funny note (because we love to joke). I'm not sure if she'll see that as stalking or as something subtlely romantic. And then there's Xmas and Valentine's....
Anyway, how can she completely turn off her feelings just like that, or is it? How did, as a woman, her head won over her heart? Aside from this, I truly believe we could've made an amazing couple. For those familiar with my situation, meeting S was truly God-sent. That's why I made the choice to keep wooing her.
Do you remember any of the lessons learned from DB? Give her space and GAL.
"How did, as a woman, her head won over her heart? "
That's how it's supposed to be. That's what we often hoped our WAS would do in terms of thinking rationally. Your XGF is smart enough to know what she wants or doesn't want from prior experience.
Your hope is that you left enough of a lasting impression that she would want to come back because it's not like you can get rid of your "baggage".
Right now she's thinking of all that so give her space.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The reasons she is telling she does not want to see you .....are not important in the big picture here.
She has broken it off with you...twice in a month. She is trying to be nice.
You are pursuing her and my opinion is....if I broke it off with a guy for whatever reason..and he came to my work to leave origami cats on my car....it would kinda freak me out.
You need to back off. Plus...you were only dating a month and your saying "I love you" To much, to fast, to soon.
Stop pursing her...her follow up text in your own words "she did not ask about me or anything"
I know it is difficult but you must step back.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Hey Mr. Bond, nice to see you again! And thanks Sandycay for dropping in too!
I wholeheartedly agree with you guys about backing off. But (and you knew there's a but) what's confounding to me about my ex-gf is when she broke up with me the first time, she also initiated the reconciliation. She came to ME to ask if we could reconnect, etc.
Is she undecided? Fickle? Or has some commitment phobia?
I also need to clarify that the origami cats is just an idea. I was debating on giving a home made gift to her personally/impersonally (somewhere she'll see it or via mail). A gift that, not at face value at least, doesn't point to our relationship per se, but more towards something she likes and enjoys.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Your XGF is smart enough to know what she wants or doesn't want from prior experience.
This is another thing that boggles me, if she knew what she wanted due to prior experience, why did she choose to see/date/flirt with me in the first place? Again, I go back to my question, is she undecided?
"why did she choose to see/date/flirt with me in the first place?"
Because as we all know, fantasy and reality are two different things. She was interested (as all people are in the beginning), then the longer you were together, there were more "real life" situations that come up and the veil of fantasy slowly starts to disappear. That's when she decided to really think if this is what she wanted long-term.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And another thing that boggles me to no end, is the fact there wasn't anything wrong with us. The only obstacle for my ex-gf was my ex-wife. Our chemistry/attraction was (I'm very certain) mutual and definitely not fake.
I have to also add that (for those who doubt) by practicing DB/DRing during the first break up, she came back on her own volition.
This time, for some reason, I feel less resolute in maintaining no contact. I guess it's because (a) there was nothing wrong with us, (b) we separated on rather good terms (no anger, no resentment, no critisms).
Sandycay, I forgot to answer your point about saying "I love you". Well, S always knew how I felt about her (because the new Alamo is more emotionally available and expressive!), though I never said love at any time. She knew that I was falling for her and that's it.
I decided to say "I love you to bits" is after some introspection after the break up, I thought that I needed to at least be honest with her and myself.
Oh and possibly another important note is that during the break up conversation, she couldn't stop blushing every time I recounted a good memory or gave her a compliment.
When asked if she had an issue with me, she couldn't answer. When asked if she and I both experienced the feelings we did, she couldn't look me in the eye, and kept saying "I'm sorry, Alamo."
To top it off, she decided not to stay at our church anymore.
I know, I know - she seemed perfect, it all seemed like just what you were looking for - yada yada yada.
But seriously - if it was all that great, and she's running already? Either:
A) It wasn't really all that great for her,she's just a good faker, or B) She's got intimacy issues and runs when it gets close, or C) She's too much of a weenie to tell you the truth which is that her old boyfriend came back or some such
Let it go. The fantasy was nice but there's something very wrong here with the reality. Don't waste any more of your time.
I hope you have a good night too"