heeeeelllllppp!!

[25yearsmlc]

Do you read my/our posts? Pay more attention.
Almost all of what happened in this post of yours (below) is the opposite of DBing and the opposite of what WE have been advising...DO NOT Blame DBing.

strange day.

So last night decide to try to make dinner and it ended up being a disaster.


The DINNER preparation was not a disaster. YOUR conversation and pursuit

and constant need for reassurance are the problem.


My wife comes home from work and I says "What's up, buttercup?" It's something I always used to say to her an it just kinda slipped out. I was trying so hard.
she looked confused, then hurt.

STOP MINDREADING...just drop it. It was NOT a big deal.


I thought to apologize for saying that then I decided that I didn't really have anything to apologize for. It was a slip of the tongue.

Okay I'll buy that it was a slip of the tongue. But then you HAD to talk some more...you made comments that were uncalled for and got you nowhere.


I just said, "I didn't mean to misspeak I know our relationship is is not at that level anymore. It won't happen again." Then I added stupidly, "until things are better."

WTH? To put it bluntly, and I think I have to, Learn to Shut the he11 up. This is you wanting HER to fulfill YOUR NEED to be reassured, which she clearly is NOT up for doing now. Stop pushing for her to meet your needs.



She just looked at me and said "Really? I'm not doing this."
I sooooooo wanted to asks her what she meant by that, but I resisted. I claimed I had forgotten something in the car and went out side. I wanted to compose myself and not react.

She probably felt like you were 1) faking happy marriage and then 2) wanting her to reassure you, again...in front of the kids...and she's not interested in that now. She wants HER needs met for awhile.

Not a lot of mystery here. You are just making things between you and your wife a lot worse.

Again, learn to just hold your tongue a lot more.



after dinner, I noticed that she wasn't wearing her ring. I thought about getting the kids to ask in a round about way, but decided that was mighty stupid. so I excused myself.


Since I cannot even relate to the urge to involve the CHILDREN in this type of issue, I'm almost too stunned to react to your selfish neediness & fears...

Why would you EVER involve your children in this?

Get a grip!

Take some medications b/c in my humble opinion, the idea that you would CONSIDER involving them, is so unhealthy you need to do whatever it takes to stop acting like a clingy needy weakling, which is how you are coming across.

NOT good for the kids...


I looked all over the house, until I found the ring in the shelf in the shower.

1) this ^^^ is obsessive unhealthy behavior.

2) and like MANY of us, we take our rings off if we're using soap (b/c soap and shampoo dull the stones and make it slippery) b/c we worry about it going down the drain.

Ironically, finding it in the shower is about the BEST place you could have found it

but YOU managed to mind read, NEGATIVELY (of course) and now it's a big bad thing...

Hey, this is a self inflicted wound of yours, again. LEARN.


It looks like she just doesn't want to wear it anymore.



1) no it doesn't! And even if it did, 2) so what if it does?

You know she's not happy right now BUT it's NOT the signal for adultery YOU think it is. I took mine off and put it back on at least 10 times...I never slept with OM.

Stop spiraling out of control with the obsessing. Get A Life asap b/c you are making yourself nuts.


I'm not cool with it, but I can't change it. I was forced to go into my car a gain to compose myself. I hate having to do that.

Look at your wording...you were "Forced" inth your car to get yourself together b/c you found your wife's wedding ring in the shower...

Do you have a diagnosis? If not, please see a doctor asap. SERIOUSLY...

Work this "stinking thinking" out of your system with cognitive therapy and or medication, b/c you are really not acting healthy or rational.

Get a grip and get on some medication so you don't keep blowing it. If I sound like I'm "pro drug" that is not really the case.

But they do serve a purpose and one purpose is to keep you from blowing things. You are making your situation worse. A LOT WORSE and it is YOU who is doing that.

I played with the kids some and made my son do his homework. She got kinda mad at me but never said anything because I was a little strict with him. He wanted to watch tv and i had to keep reminding him to be on task. I wasn't mean to him or anything. sheeeese.

Unless SHE SAID something to you, I have no idea if any of your concerns are valid at all.

And even if they are, get a thicker skin. If you were NOT rough with your son, then don't worry about it b/c it's not true and all you are reacting to is your mind reading of her facial expressions. Since I KNOW you mind read too much and you are not accurate with it, I'm inclined to think you are creating this whole NON event.

IF you WERE TOO rough or hard on him, take in her "feedback" (Which we are not sure she gave...) and maybe consider changing your approach. Yeah, maybe YOU Could do that...

What if she was concerned that you were too harsh and therefore making homework a nasty ordeal instead of a decent bonding experience? What then?

Are you so defensive and ready to pounce (or hide in the car) that you cannot handle some valid feedback?

That's not adult behavior on your end. That has nothing to do with your wife. This is about YOU.

Make your son the priority in this scenario, not your hyper sensitive feelings and easily brusied ego.


So then I'm getting ready for bed and I remember I needed something in our old room. I go up to the room and knock on the door. i don't hear anything so I open the door and when I come in she stops texting and slams down the phone. what was she doing????!!!


Who knows? Who cares? At least she wasn't doing it in front of you.

Read the post I JUST SENT YOU on Detachment...take it in or I'm going to stop posting b/c I now wonder if there is any point in this.

you do not listen to us. You just spiral out of control w/fear, and it's like you are covering your ears & closing your eyes, b/c you don't want to hear what ANYONE has to say to you

unless we all agree that you are a victim...a powerless victim...

and I reject that. You are creating your own mess. Til you see that, you will stay stuck in your "Victimville: population YOU".



Then I decide to ask if I can give her a foot rub because she looked really tired and beat. She said yes, then it led to us being intimate. I've had a number of girlfriends and it felt like goodbye sex.

Wow, you do NOT listen. SIGH...

1)...you overtly pursued, so that was needy and against DBing.

Then, b/c she let you rub her feet you felt you 2) HAD to have sex (which I believe was your real goal & it's why you pursued her)

and 3) THEN you decided to mind read about sex and turn it into a negative by reading into things and determining it was "goodbye sex"...

NOT healthy behavior...


I told her how much I missed us and how beautiful she was and

excuse me for being blunt, again, but learn to hold your tongue. When you say things like that, it's clear you want her to reciprocate. If you felt the sex had NOT been good, why say these things? My guess is the sex was fine but b/c you said those things and she did not reciprocate, you spun this into a totally negative event, which you also created.

Why do you pretend this "happened" as if you were not an active participant?


she wasnt emotionally invested. Did SHE SAY this or is it MORE mind reading? Or do you mean she did not say romantic things back to you?

Can't you see how much damage YOU DO by instigating these events, then having expecations AND THEN negatively interpreting so much? You are like a walking self fulfilling prophecy.

I don't know why I did it other than it had been a couple of weeks.

so you were horny and could not control yourself? That's what "other than it had been a couple of weeks" means to me.

That is not attractive or mature. It's not helping you reconcile, is it?

I don't know why she initiated or why I caved in. I wish I was stronger than that. But I am a guy after all. does this happen with a spouse who wants to separate? I think DB says it's up to the couple if they want to do it.


Um, who said SHE inititated it? I'd say YOU Did, b/c you sought out the physical contact by asking her if you could give her a foot rub. Then she reciprocated in some way...

Second, "I am a guy after all" is an absurd thing to say as if it justifies making a weak choice.

I served in the first Gulf War. That type of comment is what men in the middle east use as their excuse for raping women who show their wrists or ankles, as if being a man means not being able to control yourself.

To me, that is the opposite of what a man is. A real man is in control of himself and not trying to control another person.
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As for what DBing advises, it's intensely personal but their advice is that

It depends! 1) how does ML make you feel AFTERWARDS? (If you feel used or weak, it's not healthy).

2) IF physical touch and sex were HER love languages, OR If it makes you feel more connected to the other person, then maybe it's good.

YOU clearly do not feel good about it AND you don't feel you two reconnected, so LEARN FROM THAT. Your reasons for ML were physical and emotional. And now you feel worse.

Again, learn...which means taking in NEW information and changing how you react to the next similar situation.




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After,it was over I said, "I guess I'll be headed to my room." kinda hinting that I wanted to say in OUR bed. she just said. "Okay."

I was down. Lesson learned.