H2BM, unfortunately when they get like this, EVERYTHING is your fault. Things you really did do, things you didn't do -- even the Great Depression and Stock Market Crash of 1929 was probably your fault.
All you can do is learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries, ESPECIALLY ones like "I won't allow us to use this kind of language in front of our daughter. If you can't discuss this in private with me, civilly, then this conversation is over."
I've always had real problems in my life in this area, and still really struggle with it. The definitive book on boundaries is "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend.
