It's None of my Business

[BeingMe]

A reason he may have been stalling is the for tax purposes. I had to dig it out of him (as in all cases) but he hasn't submitted in 3 years --- he's paid our taxes (small business owner). So, once again, I have to fix things. This is why he doesn't include me in financial affairs --- 'cause he doesn't want me to know when he f#cks up. As I said to him, "scr#w your pride ... this is my life too." So I went to a CA to get all of this sorted out. It's cost me $2000, so far, but I can't get a D until this is settled. My lawyer is aware of this, and knows I have to wait.

I'm not angry right now, just disappointed. This could've been the best marriage, but he was not an inclusive H. I was living half my life, not knowing what was going on in the other half. I am a little resentful of that right now, but I'll get over it once I'm divorced and moving on and living MY life. This will never happen again. I am not in the mind to get married again, to have some idiot run my life. Huge lesson learned. Love doesn't make things right - trust does, and I don't trust my H at all, and probably never will again. Too much water has not only flowed under the bridge, but has flooded the bridge, knocked it's foundation, and the water has burst the banks of the river, and ... you get the gist. I want out so badly, I can taste it, feel it, measure it, yet here is another "roadblock" that he has put up. I guess because of "the flood ahead." I fear what else he has in store for me to uncover. I'm expecting everything and anything ... nothing is impossible where my H is concerned. He hides things very well, and only reveals when he has to.

Slowly, my love has been trickling out these past few months. As does so, my view of him becomes clearer. Respect and trust is all but gone. He still gives the facade of a "good guy" but I'm finding out the true man, and it ain't pretty. He's not evil, mind you, just self absorbed, too proud in that puffed up way, and a scared little boy. Oh, how I used to think so differently of him before, years ago.

Well, that's muh thoughts for the day. I have to rewrite my lib. studies essay and have astronomy exams next week. So, busy, busy, busy.