Don't go anywhere Snodderly! Please. I'd like to get your input on the most recent communication before I respond.
I told my mother that she could not do that to me, jokingly of course, no real feelings let out. and then I left it at that. I am resolved that they will do whatever they need to. I am a little experienced in the need to go home to die situation. As I get older I feel the need to go where I belong and that seems to be in Canada. At least that's what I think I feel - don't think I'm going to die anytime soon though.
The question I ask myself is what kind of love do I need to satisfy me or make me feel wanted/part of something. You know it seems that is the underlying theme, the need to belong, to feel wanted to be respected and loved. What we have/had I'm sure is love but something is obviously missing and I am not sure what it is. Maybe it's just that time in my life where I question everything and every answer is wrong. I don't know. You know that I feel very comfortable with you, and I think it is more than just 20 years of being together. The most comfortable aspect though may be that you love me unconditionally and that I am in control. If you were more confrontational I am not sure I would feel so comfortable. I pull that thought from the times we have argued about whatever and I get instant desires to pull out. So what is the solution for me, for us, who knows. I think I need to find a line of work that I can be happy at, that is challenging of my creativity. I think that is why I like to gamble so much, it is constant change and strategy and makes me get creative. Also, each hand is a new chance to win and you know I like to win.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
WOW! Is your h from Canada? If so, he's telling you he needs to go back to where it all began and find out why he feels the way he does. He also is very much aware of his mortality right now and the need go "home" in part is the depression talking. He may have moments of feeling really depressed and feels like he might die. This is very normal for those severely depressed and in crisis. Could he take a short trip to Canada, back to the place where it all began?
He's being very honest w/you about something missing. He feels like he needs to find a purpose in life and a place to belong and be respected. Obviously, he didn't feel he got those as a child or young adult from his parents. Well, he's got the timing right about re-evaluating his life. He does recognize that you do love him unconditionally, but there's something missing and only he can find that missing part because it is within himself.
Validate the fact that he needs to find a job that challenges him and provides him w/satisfaction and creativity.
What I find interesting is that he's not talking about actually leaving you. If you notice, he's actually diagnosed his own condition. Now, he needs to find solutions and we can only hope that w/gentle prodding he can heal himself.
Go gently w/your response. He's openned himself up to you and he could very well shut down if he feels you aren't validating him.
This is simply amazing and I'm glad the visit to his parents came about now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He's in Canada. "Short trips" - yes, all the time. That's where he goes to gamble. I told him months ago that I figured once the twins were out of HS we would prob move to Canada (this would be assuming his folks were still there...) When he lost his job I told him at least now he would have more time to visit his folks.
"Feels like he's going to die" H more or less wants to. Not as in actively suicidal but more like scanning the skies for meteorites - so as to run under them.
Quote:
The most comfortable aspect though may be that you love me unconditionally and that I am in control. If you were more confrontational I am not sure I would feel so comfortable.
"Unconditional love" IDK if this is me. The OW thing is a deal breaker for me. I don't want to hurt H, but I'm not up for getting hurt anymore either. And that control thing.... (see, I wasn't making that up! Somebody postulated that H thinks I am controlling.... lol...as if!) Here he says its what he appreciates, other times he tells me he wants me to be more "feisty" like wife X or Y or Z on X Y or Z sitcom. (Once in a moment of rebellion I did respond that well then he could be more like husband XYZ - for instance, see how he hugs her? "That isn't realistic" H says)
Validate the job thing. I do this, I have ALWAYS done this - even H would say this. I don't even discourage the gambling. (Although, to be honest, it doesn't thrill me - especially now because of the EA and trust issues.)
And no, I don't think he does want to leave right now. But I think he feels he can have OW in some capacity, and me too. And he's wrong there. Its just a matter of when/how I let him know that.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I think you will be getting more answers as he continues to post. He's really sharing some of his thoughts/feelings w/you. The announcement of the parents possibly moving and the holiday season in full swing, it's got to be a tough emotional time for him.
I think you are doing a great job of listening. Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am very glad you are sharing these things with me. I know this isn't easy for you to do and I want you to really really get that I appreciate it.
It seems to me that you are in a maelstrom of emotion right now. There is so much going on around you and within you that "questioning everything" is probably natural and normal.
This is a HUGELY transitional time for you right now, and many things that are changing are things you have no control over. Not being in control is not something you like.
Our marriage is also in transition. I think of marriages as living, growing things - and that they go through stages just as any other living thing does.
You definitely, most assuredly, absolutely need to find rewarding work. The good thing about gambling is that even if you have to get a "day job" gambling can be fit in with it.
Hope today is a better day for you.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
H has emailed that he is in terrific emotional pain re: his parents. Apparently he snooped (hah!) and found some sort of "Accounting of H's father's time with his children" (H and his 3 sisters... unless there's some skeletons I don't know about. Which wouldn't surprise me.) BTW, the documents in question are in H's inbox... I haven't opened them. TEMPTED but I feel this is uber-private, and because it doesn't really concern ME I don't even have a shred of excuse to snoop here. TEMPTED though...
I said I was sorry to hear about his pain and asked for a "hint" of what he read. I do recall a letter FIL sent to H years ago wherein he stated that "H isn't FIL's "kind" of person". Not too warm and cuddly; if the "accounting" is more of that vein I can only imagine H's pain.
H's father is worse than H, and really really old school. Regarding infidelity, for instance, FIL feels its a man's right.
Sigh. I'm NOT having a good time. Not as bad a time as H obviously, but still, NOT a good time.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Your h is definitely having a difficult time of things right now. He's had to re-evaluate his life rather quickly while visiting w/his parents.
I thought your last posting to him was very good. He should feel safe enough to continue sharing his thoughts w/you on paper.
I hope your day gets better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just dropping in. Wow on the homefront. I guess you are not having a good time!
I recall reading on one of the resource threads that sometimes another "crisis" triggers movement in MLC. (AmyC's threads, maybe?)so maybe that is what is going on here.
When ex-SO began describing some of his emotions (not any more) I can recall just standing there with my mouth hanging open. I have never been a great listener (something I am trying to change)and now you get to practice for real!
Whether you stay in the M or decide to leave is always your choice. I think you are being amazingly strong.
Not too good of a time, but that's the majority here on DB I suppose
I'll check into AmyC's thread.
I see you refer to SO as X...
I can listen, but some times I don't want to hear...
RE: my "choice" - yeah... I am really undecided about it. When my 1st marriage ended (my choice there) I knew absolutely that I was DONE with him. (There was infidelity there too.) And I knew it was done because I just didn't care anymore. Now, I can't tell if I care still because of the kids, the finances, or if I still just stupidly care.
I feel like some sort of monster for not caring "more". I know H is in pain and I do feel badly for him, but I have ducked and run for cover in some way. A part of me is just waiting for him to get on better, more solid ground before saying, "sorry, can't do this".
It is amusing to me that this option is totally off H's radar. LOL, he thinks its all up to him. But this is also where I feel like a monster because H feels I'm the only person in the world he can depend on. (Which, may well be true.) So what sort of awful person does it make me to also jump ship on him?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
