Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

I admit, Accuray, that yes, I do have a habit of assigning meaning to mostly meaningless things and getting myself upset. Maybe not really upset, but just makes me start thinking about things. I do, in fact, have a full plate and I feel like that plate is getting fuller and fuller by the day. I ask God everyday when things will get easier? I just dont think that H will ever realize the mistake he is making...or when he does, it will be too late.

Subguy...I know how awful it sounds that I do want H to struggle. Its not my normal thought process...to wish hardship on someone...especially someone I care about. Some days are just so hard for me and I find myself struggling to be the perfect mom to my teenage girls and then be healthy and happy mom to my unborn baby. I just feel like the world is on my shoulders a lot and that he just got the easy way out...so when I hear that things go his way and that things are moving in the right direction for him, I get sad:( I hope this is normal??

I wish I could have a beer:):) I miss a cold beer on my back deck to relax! 3 more months and I can have that occasional luxury back! Gotta get this precious baby born happy and healthy first! Im telling you, its been a hard road but even harder being pregnant! I didnt get to mask my emotions like H did when he left and drank and partied. I got to be the mom that I needed to be to my kids and maybe that was Gods plan all along. They needed one sane parent, right? (Not to imply that Im a drinker or partyer anyway...just social!)

I have read so many self help books and that is that is the part that [censored] is I feel like I have a good idea of my wrong doings as well as his and its too late:( If only I had read these all before he left...maybe It could have changed things? I cant think that way though, because I really believe that he was on a mission to leave and be with OW since he met her, so I dont know that anything I could have done would have changed that.

Now that I have next to NC with H, its hard not to analyze anything that DOES happen. Example is yesterday morning...I receive a random text from him. (BTW..he has my text number now...he got it off of D's old phone that is now his since she got a new one....took me an hour to figure out how he got my new number and that is what I came up with??) His text said:

H: "I was thinking about you and the baby..Hope you are feeling well...sorry I didn't get a chance to mail support check this weekend...I will give it to you when I pick up the girls tonight"

I wanted to be happy that at least I still cross his mind sometimes but realize its probably because I'm pregnant. I just responded, "that's perfect". Its hard for me to not want to think that he still cares about me when I receive texts like that, but then he took the kids out last night and defended OW when they asked about her.

Apparently, my kids asked H if he was with the "whore" this weekend. ( I dont approve of them talking like this ever...but I guess they do what they want with him). After they asked him this he started crying...tears running down his face and said to them that they are so mean to him and that he looks forward to Wed nights when he gets to see them and that its his favorite time of the week and they treat him so badly. My D14 asked him if he realizes that he only sees them about 8 hours a month and he said he wishes it could be different. Here I go...analyzing...but I just don't get the crying? Is he crying because of them calling her a whore or crying because he is realizing his kids are so angry at him? who knows...but I thought it was weird??

They apparently continued to call her a whore the whole night if anything got brought up...like when H asked what they wanted to do with him this weekend and they both said they didn't want to see him. (its his weekend..but they have a choice to go or not) and he complained that its his weekend. They said that they don't want to come. He then asked about Sunday and they asked him if he was going to miss watching football with the whore if he sees them? He then defended her and said she wasn't a whore. I just cant imagine these conversations....my kids just don't talk that way around me. They have no respect for him.

The kids advised that we (the 3 of us) are going to the movies on Sunday and then said to him that he could join us and the 4 of us could go. He rolled his eyes and said that he doesn't like that idea. (BTW...I would not got to the movies as a family right now either...) but this made me sad because I have never, since all this happened, heard my girls even want to do something with all of us together.

I must admit I was sad for him when they told me all of this...sad that he doesn't know his kids anymore...sad that he is still crying...sad that I just don't think he knows what he wants...

I will say that I had a talk with my girls and told them that its best that they don't bring OW up at all with dad and especially by calling her a whore. I feel like this just brings attention to her while they are hanging out with him and their visits should be about them...especially since he doesnt hardly see them.

I think I just keep thinking that I will see some sign that he is curious about us....and when he texts that he was thinking of me I was a tad hopeful, but then I realize after what the kids said when they got home that it was nothing more than a meaningless text.

Do you think there are situations when maybe the WAS wants to engage and try to talk and come back but doesnt know how to do it or make the first move toward it? Im not saying this is my H now, but if he ever got there would I know he was trying? What if he is scared that Im done and moving on?