RegretfulLA - Your husbands comments struck a chord with me because I understand where he is coming from because much of what he said has come out of my own IC sessions years ago.
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
He said that he's always felt inadequate in the R. That we did talk about a little bit. He said he always felt that he never did anything to my satisfaction.
Sounds like his LL is Words of Affirmation and it sounds like that one is difficult for you to convey since you didn't grow up with that. Maybe a 180 you can slowly start doing is showing encouragement (tell him he looks good, thank him more often, etc...). Sounds like nothing but my W has just recently started saying thanks to me for doing things I've always done and it has helped me keep on the DB track. I can't imagine what I'll do if she comments on how I'm looking now (others have started to but not the same).
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
That said, my H has all of these mother issues and I believe his feelings of inadequacy stem from his fundamental insecurities around women. He also said (based on his own IC) that he has an image of me as a "perfect" person and who can measure up to that. These feelings of inadequacy are largely self-imposed. Certainly, we never worked on that together or discussed it, just as we never really worked on any of the problems.
Another one for me, I have insecurity issues (not necessarily with women but in general trusting people and thinking I'm good enough) and my wife is a perfectionist. Those 2 things don't usually work well together and it wore me down. I used to have her on a pedestal and was stupidly one of reasons I was mean in past. I was subconsciously trying to beat her down to get her to my level. Not sure if that makes sense but it was a crappy way to live and treat her. I was longing to get words of affirmation for the things I did to bring me up and when I didn't get them I ended up being nasty and tried to bring her down. She could do 9 good things and 1 bad thing and I would only discuss the bad thing.
I just finished 5LL book and have learned it's very difficult for any emotional intimacy if your love tanks are empty.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
