The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[Soul.Searching]

Every time I start to think H may just be a WAS and not in MLC, Bang, he goes and shows me more MLC signs. At least I think they are. Snodderly or any other vets, I would really appreciate your input. I'm on the fence about if I should just close the door already. If its a MLC, then I don't know,.,,
He came today for S8's semi final, He got here about an hour early and I couldn't find S8's shorts! He had to have them. H sat in the lounge for over an hour on his phone, while I pulled the house apart. I ended up finding them, they had fallen down behind his draws, I pulled the draw out and there they were.

He is totally addicted to his phone now. Even while S8's outage game was on he had to check and use his phone every couple of minutes.
He rubbed my head at one point. He also asked me if I can put all our photos on to a hard drive for him, He asked me to make sure I put our wedding photos on there too. Hmmm.

Anyway S8's team lost but they played really well. H tagged me and two mutual friends on a team photo on FB.
His still talking about that motorbike he wants. Apparently that will be early next year. Well he said his back was killing him. ( he definitely did not show it,) I asked him if he made that doctors appointment. He said he forgot. I said " We'll it can't be that bad if you forgot." Then his story changed to "No it was killing me but I didn't have time." Hmm, he had time to call me three times and then when I called him back an hour or so later, he had time to talk.

Oh yeah, when we were driving there he was in the passenger seat of my car and he opened my glove box and started looking through it. There's nothing much in there anyway but I said "excuse me" H said " What, I'm allowed" I said " Oh you are?" He closed it and said sorry.

So when he was going he had this huge coughing fit. He was bend over coughing and coughing. I told him that it didn't sound too good. He said "No, it's not. I'm not doing very good at the moment" I asked him why and he said that he is just not.
Then he left. Oh he did give me a long cuddle before he went. I gave him a one armed cuddle back. He didn't seem to want to let go.

He choose this, so I don't get the mixed signals. All they tell me now is that he is lost. He may even be more lost than I am.
It still hurts sometimes but I really don't expect anything at all from him anymore. Well except the money he legally has to pay.

I find when I'm around him now, I don't really feel much at all, except Maybe to show him what he has lost. I'm sure he still loves me very much. The pull of the "dark side" was just too much for him.
I now view him as a weak, sad human being.

The man I fell in love with is no more. For the first four years, until I fell pregnant with D9, he was so sweet, strong, caring and romantic. He used to write me love letters and buy or pick flowers for me. That man would have done anything for me. He would have jumped through hoops of fire for me and then some.
I remember not long before I fell pregnant, I started having panic attacks. I never understood them, so he would have had no idea.
He was there for me every step of the way. He didn't even look at other girls. He wanted to be around me all the time.

The sorry son of a Bi**h who is now living in my H's body is a coward. He is a person with very little morals. Someone who thinks they are cool because they drove home drunk. He is a sneaky, lying arse face.

Sorry for the ramble. I always do that here. I come to post a little and once I start, I can't stop. It goes totally off topic. I guess maybe its showing me it's still effecting me more than I would like it to be.