Welcome to catch-22

[Grateful]

I remember thinking when my D was younger that if W wanted to go out, I was the babysitter. I didn't see it as spending time with D's; I considered it babysitting. That is what I am reading in your posts about son as well. I know you haven't said those specific words. I am just putting what I see in context. I hope I am wrong.

[theUF]

Hi Bruce.

Our S are about the same age. Our milage may vary, but I want to give you a look at my situation.

I worked a lot and my X took care of S. I took time of from work and arranged for shorter days her and there, but my X was always the one doing the bigger half of the work in regards to S.

Now, I was far from perfect, but I still :
-changed diapers
-fed him
-bathed him
-played with him
-took him on walks
-put him to bed
-stayed up at nights if he was sick, even though I had long days at work ahead of me
-got two months+ off from work to spend time with S while she could work
-etc

and STILL :
when I asked for more time with S after BD she asked why I suddenly started caring about spending time with S when I didn't before.

If I can do all of that and my X still thinks I didn't care, then imagine what your W might(!) think when you haven't even changed a diaper.

The only positive thing I see about BD is that I now really see just how much I appreciate time with S alone. I enjoy every aspect of it.
If you get to spend time with S alone, maybe you will start to relax and enjoy it even more.

[Big Bruce]

Good evening,
To explain things a little, it's not that I didn't want to help, but my W was really taking all the room. Being super actively concerned with the baby.
And it was intimidating because she was breastfeeding him, right, so I didn't know how it works and all.
Then I was aware of the low sex-drive, hormones, the vagina that needed healing and stuff, so I didn't want to create problems and let things as they were and did not interfere and impose myself between W and the baby.
It has nothing to do with my love or not for him. You would be most kind to grant me the benefit of the doubt for once.

Now, I will have to get to work with him anyway, because I chose to continue with the procedure for having more time with him, and I have informed W of my intention with an email.

So far, she has responded an email with indications for tomorrow's visit, so she is not blind mad either. At least she hasn't cut communication.
Tomorrow, I won't bring the subject up, but if she does, my response will be the same thing as in the email, i.e. the visitation time is insufficient and it is a huge regret of mine. A boy needs his father and the duty is mine. I want to help raise this young man.
I will de-relate my fatherhood from her willingness or not, to work things out. These things are not mutually exclusive.

I have listened to all your advice and it has worked so far. I am aware of my past wrongs, I am not a victim but I am a changed person, and I need to keep digging deeper to keep these positive changes going on.

This week, I am trying to not get carried away by the toddler steps I am seeing in our R.

Will keep posting,
Until then,
B.

[MrBond]

"And it was intimidating because she was breastfeeding him, right, so I didn't know how it works and all."

Didn't you take birthing classes before your son was born? All of this would have been explained to you so it's not such a "mystery".

And besides, you act as if your son is still a newborn. He's 2.

"A boy needs his father and the duty is mine."

Don't be so arrogant. A boy needs a "responsible" father. So have you learned how to change him yet? How about if he's allergic to anything or what he likes to eat. How about what his favorite toy is? Do you know that? Can't be making demands when you don't even know how to take care of him.

[Mach1]

I am not a victim but I am a changed person, and I need to keep digging deeper to keep these positive changes going on.

I'm having a hard time believing this...


I have been reading along, and I agree with most of what has been said....by others

I think you are VERY adept at being the victim....

By proclaiming that you aren't a victim...makes you a victim. By TELLING everyone that you have changed instead of letting your actions speak for you....allows you to be a victim.

By defending yourself, you are being a victim.

Let me ask you this.....

Do you still think that your Wife is doing this TO you ?

Bruce, I don't think that you are at fault for some things, yet I see you playing that victim card at every possible convenience.

You have taken ZERO responsibility for the care of your Son, and you are comfortable sitting back and saying that your Wife did this, or your Wife did that, to justify YOU not being involved. Everything that you have described as a hurdle, is easily overcome by you wanting to be involved.


Changing a diaper ? Really ? Not that difficult....

Breastfeeding ? Yea, well you are at a disadvantage, if you really want to not be involved. There are pumps, and bottles, and you can sit with them, rub her feet, read to him, and many things you could have found to do.

Yet you CHOSE ( yes, it was a choice) to not do those things.

And then, you got your tail caught in the rocking chair, And only then....do you NOW see where you went wrong.... or could have made better choices...


You know what ? A lot of people posting to you, have done the same thing....

The difference is, that you are still playing the victim card, and don't want to man up, and just admit... that up until now....you have been a crappy Father...

The truth has to start, before you can move forward.

Let me ask you some questions ????

How much of it (child care) did you REALLY want to do ?

How much of the time, were you relieved that she did the childcare ?

How much of the time, did you think that it was woman's work, and bail out ??

How much of the time, did you use the excuse that YOU were too tired at the end of the day, and just wanted to relax ?

How much of the time did you realize that she did the care for the entire day, and would like a break ?

None of this says that you are a bad person, none of this says that you are incapable of change.



I have said this many times....

You aren't gonna talk your way out of something that you acted your way into....

Real change is for you, and you alone.

You change because YOU are ready to be different.

You change because YOU want a different ending to your story, with your son.....

You change because the memories that your Son will have of you tomorrow, are the actions that you take today.


While we are at it....

I have seen here before, that cultural differences have played a part in defining certain roles within Marriages....

Not having too much insight into the French culture...

What are the views of traditional French child rearing ?

The role of the French man inside of a Marriage?

The French woman inside of a Marriage???


How would YOU describe those roles within the expectations that you had during your marriage ???

With raising your Son ???

What did you see growing up ?

You say that you have a great relationship with your Father now??

What was it like when you were younger ?

What is your relationship with your Mother like ???




Bruce...

Are you really ready to change lifelong patterns of behavior ???

Or are you blowing smoke, because you feel guilty over past, poor behavioral patterns ???


Are you really ready to not be a victim ??

Or are you gonna post some things on a Divorce busting website, make a few subtle behavioral tweaks, and really not do anything different...

And then, when it all falls apart, you can once again....


BE THE VICTIM.....


Are you really ready to change that ???

Actions Bruce.....actions, not words....

[25yearsmlc]

Bruce,

First, a technical note. You may need to start a new thread soon, btw. Try to keep the title of it easy to find (a sequel?) Usually 10 or so pages and they ask you to begin a new one. Not sure why but it is what it is.

Second you have the benefit of several veterans here. Take in their questions and the sage words.

As Mach said, also, no one arrived here as a perfect spouse. Understand that we understand the need for growth and introspection. It's not easy but it's not complicated. We had to simply stay focussed ON OUR WORK... and many of us were where you are now.

Or could have been quite easily. I say "there but for the Grace of God, go I", on nearly a daily basis about a number of things.

Take in the gifts of these posts. They may save your life, emotionally speaking. You'll be a better man for it.

Be a man only a fool would leave.

Know that what YOU valued in a husband, was NOT what she valued.

What she needs is what matters.

[eyesopen]

Bruce,

I don't post to much on other threads but I feel I have to on yours.

First of all you have been given some great advice, use it. Secondly you have a great oppurtunity in front of you. There are many of us here that have really had to look deep to figure out what went wrong and even then there isn't much to go on. So all we can do is work on the things that we don't like about ourselves, because our spouses haven't given us much info.

It sounds to me that all you have to do is start acting like a man. Did you want to have children when you got married? If yes, why haven't you done anything to show that. If no, too bad. Sleep in the bed you made and make the most out it. If you can't do it for yourself, at least do it so your son doesn't end up making the same mistakes.

[Big Bruce]

Hello All,
Last post for this thread.

Thank you all for your support in times of hardship, when the compass goes whirling..

Rest assured that I take all your comments very seriously, and I know that I don't know much.

Yes, I wanted my son, he was "planned", and yes I still love my Wife, and yes I will do anything to restore my family. I'm earnest and mean business with it.

I see now that things will be slower than expected. But I have to be patient, and more than writing nice emails and letters, I have to act.

Finally, although the Court procedure is still on and I haven't been officially granted 50% custody of my son, I have asked my wife to have him for a full day on several days before Christmas. Not sure what the response will be, but it shows I'm serious about it.

She has been acting strangely nice lately, but I'm aware that she may not withdraw her divorce petition. Too bad. She still wants the money, that's ok.

I think you will recognize the tittle of my next thread, see you there my friends.

B.