He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

More specifically now:

Has he told you what taking responsibility for your extra marital Rs would look like to him?

He hasn't really said that, because I don't think he knows. What's he's said is that he expects contrition, he expects me to live with his hurt and "act accordingly." Since I don't wallow and I'm more of a doer/fixer, I find this impossible to achieve. He wants to "feel" that I feel his hurt. I am unable to live in this space for more than a matter of a few minutes though. The frustrating thing is that he refuses to engage with me so we can work through it together. He thinks therapy should be enough. This is very narrow minded as I see it.

Did you drill down at all into the lack of autonomy he feels?

Not too much. I asked him for an example and tried to come up with a few that weren't really accurate. The one thing he did come up with was a time when he was making risotto and stirring it with a teaspoon. Me telling him he should use a wooden spoon was invading his autonomy. Maybe I said it in a nasty tone but it was a while ago so who knows.

Maybe he doesn't want loving and responsive from you at the moment. Maybe he thinks he wants to be left alone to feel sorry for himself and justify his anger.

That seems to be quite true.

You had your extra marital Rs because your needs weren't being met. Does he understand this?

IMO, he is resisting understanding it, because then it would mean he'd have to take ownership. Spartan said, "I know from my own history I was hurting because our trust was broken but also because I felt like I was to blame for a lot of it. I think that's one reason many people don't get over them because it's easier to be angry and just check out rather then look in the mirror and accept what they did to cause the S to have the A". I see this to be true in my sitch too.

Does he see that he too needs to change?

What he sees is that our R is not working. He doesn't see that he needs to change; what he sees is that he might have better luck with someone who's more similar to him. He even resists working on communication skills.

One other thing that he said last night that I didn't get to because I was so tired: He said that he's always felt inadequate in the R. That we did talk about a little bit. He said he always felt that he never did anything to my satisfaction.

Now I am the first to admit that I grew up with a very critical mother, and she grew up with a very critical mother, so I learned also to be very critical. It is not an endearing habit. My grandfather was pretty meek and my grandmother railroaded all over him (though I never observed that). My mother is a total b!tch sometimes towards her boyfriend. It's really appalling, actually. But growing up with that, you don't learn any differently. So I've had to work hard to undo that tendency. I know there were times when I didn't treat him well or fairly.

That said, my H has all of these mother issues and I believe his feelings of inadequacy stem from his fundamental insecurities around women. He also said (based on his own IC) that he has an image of me as a "perfect" person and who can measure up to that. These feelings of inadequacy are largely self-imposed. Certainly, we never worked on that together or discussed it, just as we never really worked on any of the problems.

It just feels like every time we go into therapy a new problem crops up, something that I did wrong that's offended him in some way (but that he never told me about).

Also about him being supportive: I can't see him being able to be supportive until he learns to love himself. This may never happen. Maybe I am asking too much from him, but the fact is, I really need emotional support. I suppose I didn't realize that when I got married, or maybe I was getting more of it back then. But emotional intimacy has always been a problem for us.

That was the draw and danger of OM1. We effortlessly connected on that level, and I can't imagine what that R might have been like if it had been allowed to develop. I suppose it is good that it got squashed when it did, or I may have reached the point of no return.