The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[Soul.Searching]

Okay, I'm doing everything all wrong and for selfish reasons. I don't know if this will backfire on me or not. I possibly need lots of 2x4's ?

So H called the other day asking to have the children for three weeks straight in the Christmas holidays. I said no, if he wanted them for half of the holidays, it will be a week on a week off. He asked why, ummm i thought it was kinda self explanatory.

Anyway I knew he knew I was a little upset about it. ( damn you tone of voice, still working on that one.) so I texted him and thanked him for still being in the kids lives.

Well, that was maybe three days ago now? He has been calling several times a day and texting too. He is thinking about taking the kids on a holiday and said maybe I could go too.
Well the place he is talking about is another state, that I have always wanted to take them, they have wanted to go there for a long time too. I also have never been.
I also have a few family members there, that I would love to see again.
I won't be able to afford to take them myself this year and really want to be there for their first time.
He also caught up with child support and even paid extra.
So I have been calling him back, not right away but we have been talking.

He wants to come and put the Christmas light up for the kids on Saturday and they want him to as well. He asked me of he could stay the night so he can get it done early and leave before it gets hot. I told him he could sleep on the lounge if he wanted. This was about three days ago.

So lastnight he called once again, asking me for laptop advice. He said he didn't know if he will stay on Friday because although it would be a lot easier, he didn't know if he felt comfortable with it. I also told him, I didn't know if I was comfortable with it either. He changed the subject.

Apparently now he has decided that we will be doing Christmas Day seperate.
He will be coming here today because we are talking S8 to his semi final.

He also called lastnight to ask me for the doctors phone number. He then asked if I could make an appointment for him. I told him he would be better off doing it. When the conversation ended, he thanked me for making an appointment for him, which I never said I would do. That was one way he used to control me. Well I just texted him the number and said he would be better off doing it.

I must admit that my first thought was that he was maybe getting checked for STDs. I had told him he should when he told me he had been having s.e.x with OW. He said he wore a condom, I told him they don't protect against all of them plus condoms have broken before. This was back weeks ago.

He says his back is really sore and that's why he is going. I told him not to worry about the lights then because being on the roof won't help.
He still wants to do them. I really doubt his back is the reason he is going.
He did go to the doctors maybe five, six years ago because of his back and that is the last time I remember him going. His only ever been a handful of times in the 13 plus years we were together.

So basically I have no expectations. None at all but I have picked the rope back up again. I'm still not instating anything. I have been more firm than I have been in a long time. I'm doing this for selfish reasons. One because I could use the extra money he is sending and two, I'd love to go on that holiday if it happens. Not for him but for my kids. I'd love to share that with my kids. Yeah as I said selfish.

I honestly do not even know if I would take H back. He would have to jump through hoops of fire for me to even concider it.

I think it may also be making the holiday season a little more easier on me.
Honestly I'm still thinking I will drop the rope for good after the holidays. Yep, selfish. Lol

Honestly I'm not usually selfish but right now, I feel it but I think oh well.

The problem is I don't know if I am ultimately making things harder.
I'm pretty detached. I still have a long way to go but I have also come so far already.

Yes, I know I'm letting him have his cake and eat it too but in a weird way, that's also what I'm doing too.

MIL found out about me transferring money back to him. That was the first time I have ever seen her angry at me and man was she pissed.
She told me I need to strengthen up and stop being a door mat.
She did make a lot of sense though. I did do it for the kids but ultimately, it's not up to me to fix his issues with the kids.
That will probably be one of my hardest lesions to learn. Sitting back watching my kids fall and just picking up the pieces.

So basically I'm being a doormat but I'm kinda using him as one too. That feels kinda evil. So any advice would be appreciated.