Oh Muddy, I find myself in a bit of a low point right now. I miss the crap out of my husband, just want him to come home, but he's obviously just 'done' and moving on. He's still seeing OW. Last week he cashed out part of his 401(k) from his last job of 16 years to pay our debt. I didn't know, I just happened to look at our account and a $40,000 deposit had been made. I put 2x2 together and ran down to the bank and had $10,000 of it transferred to my account. He lost his mind. Accused me of stealing, wanted me to put it back..etc. He just wanted to pay off the HUGE debt we had. Fine. I ended up putting it back, and yes, he did pay a lot of the debt. He was so upset that we ended up getting back into the blame game. Some of the things he said were UNBELIEVABLE. So hurtful. I am convinced that he feels a lot of what he's saying, but how much of it is about me?? He denies any wrongdoing, denies lying, denies cheating, denies, denies denies. Keeps saying if he'd stayed with me he would have done harm to himself (this is the part that really affects me are his constant reminders that he felt suicidal - and b/c of me/our marriage) but now since he's left he's 'happy' and not feeling suicidal anymore, feels like he's climbed out of the dark hole. Seriously!!! I had no idea he was miserable! This is so painful.
Here are a couple samples:
[i]I'm sorry things went the way they did, but they did. I had to leave or else I was going to do some serious harm to myself. I was miserable for a long long time, and I had to not be miserable any more. I understand you are hurting and I understand I may not have handled things greatly, and I apologize. I can't take any of it back and I can't change what has happened. All I can do is try to be good and calm and deal with things as they come.
Sorry, it WAS you that was making me miserable. Not just me. The fact that you can't or won't accept any responsibility says a lot. Not full responsibility, but some. You say you were a "loving wife" but it sure didn't feel like that to me. Far from it. If you really loved me you had a funny way of showing it by making me feel shitty every day. I am happy now. I don't think about killing myself any more. I dug my way out of that hole. I'm sorry I hurt you, I really am, but I did what I needed to do to survive. You can try to make me feel guilty about it, and I do sometimes, until I remember just how dark I was feeling.
I don't know why I'm arguing this over email. You will never see any side but your own. That's how you are with me and everyone else. Your way or the highway. Never anywhere in between.
Here are a couple questions....
His birthday is coming up (as is Thanksgiving and Christmas - this is going to be a tough holiday season) - should I send him a card or keep up with the NC? He wants us to separate our joint account to separate accounts. He said he will pay the mortgage if I pay the bills...is there anything I should be doing to protect myself? I've heard through the grapevine that we wants to keep the house...
Yes, if you haven't already done so you need to see a good, hard-nosed family law attorney AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Your husband is wayward, acting entitled (sorry if that's redundant ), and has already made significant financial moves of family assets. HE IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED in his current mindset.
Nettie, it sounds like he has depression or midlife crisis that is not necessarily your fault - but he is trying to make you feel as if you are to blame. if you can afford to see an individual counsellor, I highly recommend it. the purpose of the counselling is to give you encouragement so you will not feel guilty for things that are *not* your fault.
if you can't afford counselling, post here with more details about your marriage, history, etc, and we will help you with encouragement and suggestions.
I don't have a clue what to do, but I wanted you to know that your situation sounds exactly like mine. I do think my H is depressed and with good reason - you can check my story in newcomers. He has also cashed out his 401K, but is giving me 1/2. We've already signed D papers, only because I wanted something in writing as to what he is agreeing to give me. H has moved OW in with him and I've devestated! I am not ready to give up on my marriage yet, so I've not had anything filed in the courts yet. I have started counseling, it is good. But expensive. I agree, if you can afford it do it OR try a support group through a local church. Just knowing that you aren't alone helps too.
Me: 41 H: 43 M: 21 yrs DD: 15
1st bombshell: 2002 - 6 months 2nd bombshell/moved out: 10/03/2012 OW: 10/12/2012 Signed MDA & PP: 11/20/12; but not submitting Confirmed OW living with H: 11/21/12
), and has already made significant financial moves of family assets. HE IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED in his current mindset.