Stronger

[mishka422]

I've done the counseling, therapy, visualization exercises, etc. etc. etc.....trust me, I'm just too broken.

There's no money to get from him and I wouldn't want to do that even if there was. We have a very good relationship, it's just weird. There is no direction or stability to it and that feeds my own instability.

Honestly, what is 'LIVING' supposed to be? We move from one day to the next, doing what needs to be done to get to the next one. That's it. That's living. Ok, so I do that. I don't believe there really is more. I think that we tell ourselves there is more and then go about clawing our way up and creating more and more that we believe will make us happy but then it's all a bunch of bunk in the end.

I had a brief moment where I thought there must be a better life. Real life showed me otherwise. It said, 'stop your stupid dreaming, get back to work and realize this is as good as it gets. It could be worse!'

Boy, don't I know it could be worse. I've seen the worse. There are no complaints from me that life is 'too hard' or 'unfair'. I have it really good compared to a large percentage of this world. Just because I'm a depressed mess doesn't give me any right or reason to boo hoo my way through my days. Suck it up and shut up because I have it really good. I have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, and my beautiful son. That's more than a lot of people can say.

What does 'existing' do for my son? I'm there for him every day. That's all he needs from me. He is 18 and has his own life. He practically ignores me most days. I'm glad though. That is one more step toward independence which is something I used to think he would never acheive.

So, yes, I'm a broken mess and things aren't the way I want them to be but it hasn't stopped me dead in my tracks yet. I will get to tomorrow and the next day and the next because I have to. People are counting on me to. I stopped dreaming a LONG time ago and woke up to reality.